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The WoodenDong Report (Game #1, @ Ravens)

September 13, 2011 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report(Game #1, @ Ravens)


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)



Here in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is.

In the season opener against the team�s most bitter rival, Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with a listless, feeble, half-hearted performance.�� He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing.


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 3 solos, to include a sack.Sure enough, by virtue of recording a sack, there are media members and fans that will blindly nod and say, �Yup, Woodley had a solid game.��� In reality, he had anything but a solid game; in fact, he had a shit game.�� We�ll see what a cheesy day at the office The Big He-Man truly had.


Here were Big LaMarr�s 3 tackles:


1.On a 2d & 10 in the 2Q, Flacco hit Dennis Pitta, a backup TE, on a short crosser.Big LaMarr had dropped into a short coverage, and as Pitta moved into his zone and caught the 4-yard pass, The $61M Man moved like Doug Legursky as he waddled his fat ass after Pitta, who easily dashed right by and gained 16 yards and the 1st down.�� At the end of his hefty gainer, Big Lamarr got a little baby-shove of Pitta as Pitta was scooting OOB, and for that, The $61 Man was awarded a solo stop, also known as a slop stop.�� Pitta, a 2nd year man, had 1 NFL catch coming into this game....for ONE yard.��


2.On the 1st play of the 4Q, Big LaMarr was SOLO chip-blocked by a TE, Ed Dickson.�� Dickson then scooted aside and LaMarr barged by a RB, and after a good 4 seconds, Flacco took a coverage sack.��� For $61M, that kind of money can get you a coverage sack while being blocked by a TE.���


3.On a 3rd & 17 late in the blowout (2:26 4Q), Dickie Williams carried the ball up LG.Big LaMarr was left totally unblocked on the play, and he jogged over and made a slop stop after a 5-yard gain.��� (Quick....sign this guy for another $20M on top of the $61M.....and fast...!!)


That was it from Big LaMarr.... 2 slop stops and a Dong Sack.Big hits?NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� NONE.���� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� None.The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.He loafed and lollygagged the entire game, none more than on the Rice cutback run at 7:04 2Q, where he just gave up on the play and allowed Rice a hefty 9-yard gain.


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 1 game:


Earned Sacks: 0

Dong Sacks�: 1

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0

Flailing Whiffs: 0

First downs allowed:2

TDs allowed:0



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