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Stillers-Pats Postgame Analysis and Grades

September 11, 2015 by Still Mill

Pats 28, Stillers 21 ……. Sep 10, 2015…………Game # 1


Stillers-Pats Postgame Analysis and Grades


The Stillers went to Boston to face the hated Gaytriots.   The fought half-decently, but mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake……after more mistakes, eventually did them in.   In the end, they were out-classed by a much better prepared ballclub and whipped, 28-21.   (Ben tossed an entirely menaingless TD pass with like 2 secs left in the game.) 




QB:  Ben had an ok evening.  The stats are one thing, and he piled up a ton of slop stats.   Badly missed a WIDE open Miller on 2d & 8, 2Q.   Shit pass.   Threw a dogshit, foolish INT into double coverage on a deep ball, 7:00 4Q.   Very poor.   He took at least 1 needless sack where I felt he could have thrown the ball away or threw a valve dump to Williams, but he didn’t seem to trust Williams the way he does Bell.   He tacked on a completely meaningless TD pass to AB with just a few seconds left in the game.    B 



Bell -  Stutter Bell did not dress, due to the suspension.

DeAngelo – superb gain, 1st  play o game !!   18 yards.   Had a stellar evening, rushing for 127 yards on 21 rushes.   A+  


Archer:  Pee Pee Archer did nothing at RB.  Thankfully he never touched the ball.   



Will Johnson - Good TD plunge, 3Q. 



Brownie – held onto the ball forever in the pocket, 1stseries, on a gadget play, and took an asininely foolish 8 yard sack instead of throwing the ball away.   Stellar grab on 3d & 5, catching the ball off the Pats’ DB’s body.   Had a solid nite, with 9 grabs for 133.  The TD was a complete garbage time TD with only 2 seconds left in a 14-point game.    B+


Pinkie Wheaton – Did nothing at all the entire first 29 minutes of the half.  Then was a thrown a long lob late in the 1H, and although it was a tough try, he failed to haul in the tough catch.   Very poor.   Grabbed a 2-point slant, 3Q.  Made a rare, good catch for 26-yards long the s-line, late 3Q.   Feebly dropped a deep seamer late in the game, in an alligator-like attempt.    3 catches for 55 yards ain’t nowhere good enough for a guy who needs to step up big in the absence of Martavis.   C-


Archer:   Did nothing, as usual.


Bryant - did not dress, due to suspension.


Heyward-Gay – unbelievably caught a deep ball mid 2Q; stunned it didn’t clang off his hands.  Was WIDE open late in the 1H in the EZ for a CAKE EASY Td catch, but assaholically allowed his toe to scrape the sideline chalk, negating a sure, easy TD.  Complete azzhole.   There can’t be a clumsier, more unaware WR in the NFL.    D   




Miller – ok game, with several grabs, although some were in garbage time.  


Spaeth - dressed, and wasted oxygen, plus a scare spot on the 45-man game-day dress roster.  Rare, good block on Williams’ long run at 10:00 3Q. 



Beacham  -  Committed a mega-costly false start on 3d & goal at the 1-FOOT line, early 4Q.   Got totally mauled by Jabaal Sheard late in the game on two horrific plays.  


Gilbert -  FatAss Marcus helped blow up a promising first drive, with a silly-assed, needless hold on a running play.  


Foster – marginally ok. 


Cody Wallace –  Totally abused for a sack, late 1Q.   A lazy, shoddy, half-assed effort.   Given a ticky-tack holding flag on a Williams 12-yard run, late 2Q. 


DeCastro – half decent. 



Cam Thomas – Played little.   Waddled his fat ass to and fro.

McLendon -  An ok overall game, although nothing to crow about.  He faced a rookie undrafted center playing his first ever NFL game, and failed to dominate.   C

Heyward – Not as disruptive as he needed to be.   C

Tuitt – See above.      Did very little.    D



Timmons – Too quiet of a game.   Only 2 solos from an ILB in this defense, is unacceptable.    C+


Shaquier – slashed in for a 5-yard loss, early 2Q.   Had 5 solos and showed some promise.   B


Moats -  played little and did nothing.  


Harrison – very meager impact.  


Jones – stuffed a ground play, mid 2Q.  Got too many snaps to record 0 solos and 1 A.     C-


Dupree – Got a Dong Sack, first series.  Didn’t do much else.   



Will Allen – got the starting nod due to his supposed veteran savvy.   Then gets completely TOOLED by Gronk on a simple up route, allowing the 2d TD of the game.   A complete piece of shoit effort by a complete pile of shoit.   Was in a perfect spot to recover a critical fumble in the 4Q near the Stiller GL, but stood around, with thumb up ass, and was too feeble and too slow to spot the ball and corral it.   NE recovered, and scored a crushing TD a couple plays later to put the game away.    D- 


Mitchell – supposedly  a he-man tough-guy, he came over after Gronk’s longish reception, 4Q, and then feebly and pussily just fell to the turf instead of, ya know, trying to put a legitimate, NFL-caliber tackle attempt on the big TE.    What a blowhard and a fuktard.     Once again, did nothing – NOTHING – the entire game.    What’ll be his excuse this season ??     D  


Gay  -  Got abused quite a bit, and did little.   C


Blake – mostly played like a feeble, bumbling pansie.    C  


Golden – weak-assed tackle attempt of Gronk on the first TD.   A complete pussy.   C- 


Sharko Thomas – Not permitted to play on D, because, as you know, Will Allen is such a studly safety.  I guess he might get some PT in 2017.      Inc


C. Allen -  atrocious tackling late 1Q and early 2Q.   Complete pile o’ manure.  Flagged for a blatantly obvious PI in the 3Q, setting up NE with a 1st & goal at the 1.   Flagged for a hold, mid 4Q.  Showed exactly zero improvement from the dumpster fire of 2014.    F  


Boykin – despite being the best cover CB on the roster, this guy unbelievably ROTTED the bench the entire game while Blake and Queertez got tooled and abused.   Inc


Spec teams:  

Jordan Berry – punted ok in his first game as a Stiller.     B


Scobee – badly sliced his first FG, missing it about 19 feet wide to the right in a shit effort.  Not satisfied, he shanked a 46-yarder a bit wide right in the 2Q for his 2d miss.   He finally made a FG late in the 2Q, on a short, chippie FG.    Very piss poor.     D- 


Archer – Pee Pee returned a KO in the 2Q….all the way to his own 16.   What a stud !!   What a clever draft pick by Kevin Doltbert !! 


AB – stupid-assed FC of a punt on the 7 yard line, 1Q.   Very no-brained.


Sharko Thomas’s speed and athleticism drew an illegal block flag on Berry’s first punt.  Of course, with all that speed & athleticism, he never got on the field on defense. 



Haley struck soon enough.  Stillers were doing WHATEVER they wanted, opening drive.  They were gashing the Pats soft D.  Then assfuker Haley calls a needless, assfucked gadget play (attempted double-pass play) that loses 8 yards, to abort the drive.   Why ????     Why even call this play?  It was early in the game, and the Pats had not nearly been “set up” to be fooled on this play.    And as noted, the offense was gashing and dominating the Pats weak defense.  There was no need whatsoever to be grabbing into the Grab Bag for this assaholic playcall.  


Then, the Stillers had clawed back.   Early in the 4Q, they faced a 2d & goal on the 8.   What does Gayly call?    Why, a completely homo shovel play to Miller, which gained 2 or 3 yards.   Then, they took FOREVER to get the playcall and get lined up (surprise!), and then ran a faggott-fuk draw play on 3d & G from the 5 that gained little.    This was a completely  cowardly, gutless, ass-pumping playcall by a complete asspump.   I was so enraged I nearly kicked a hole through my flatscreen TV.  

I wasn’t all that fond of removing DeAngelo from the game and inserting plodding FB Will Johnson into the game as the RB.   Williams gives you the burst to take it outside if the edge isn’t sealed, something the plodding Johnson does not.  It makes the offense entirely too 1-eimensional, and this sorry RZ offense needs all the dimensions it can get.  


This game was classic Todd Haley -- loads of slop stats, and loads of yardage between the 20’s.   Then, in the red zone, the entire offense bogged down and pooped the bed.   C- 



Keith Assler had SIX months to prepare for NE.   What does he produce?   Why, nothing but rampant, fire-drill confusion.   This happened the very first off. play of the game for NE, and continued the entire nite.  On that first play, the ILBs were clearly confused, and then both outside secondary-men jumped on Gronk, leaving Edelman WIDE open for an easy 12-yard gain.   The first Gronk TD was the result of NO ONE covering…..Gronk…!    Go figure.   On one play in the 1H, only 10 men were on the field !!  Then there was the clever ploy of using scrub reserve INSIDE LB T. Garvin to cover Gronk, which was an easy NE TD.  This is junior varsity chaos…. orchestrated by a junior varsity dumbass.  

Brady – 15 of 17 in the 1H.  At one point he has 19 consecutive completions.    Not once did Assler get a hand in Lady’s face or get a defender to pop Lady in the chops, which is what needs to be done to disrupt The Inflator.

Assler also allowed Edelman to roam free with very, very little press coverage.  Instead, Assler played right into NE’s hands, giving Edelman softee cushion and allowing him to be wide open for the easy pitch n’ catch from Brady. 

The best cover corner on the team, Boykin, sits and rots the entire game.   The most athletic, explosive safety on the team, Thomas, sits and rots the entire game.   Yet there are daft fools absolving Assler because “he doesn’t have talent at his disposal”.  He does; but he’s too dull and ignorant to use it.  

The biggest, most dangerous weapon on the Pats…and Dumbass Assler has NO ONE covering him….??   Really?    Are yu fuking kidding me?? 

Keith Assler…..a complete pilo shoit.    When he was hired, my biggest concern was that he’d be a dull parrot of Dick’s tired, worn schemes.  Looks like those concerns were well founded.   F


HC:  Mike Dumblin is ultimately responsible for team preparation.   And the preparation clearly sucked ass. It all starts at the top, and Dumblin must bear responsibility for his defense looking more confused than a Pop Warner team during its first day of practice.   Dumblin and his merry crew had 6 months to prepare… an extra preseason game that no one else had….and the best they could do was this teaming pile o’ slop??      A complete embarrassment, on national TV, for an NFL club.  It’s becoming quite obvious that Dumblin’s gaudy success was based almost entirely on inheriting a Sup Bowl caliber roster, and little else.   F 



Synopsis:  It’s only 1 game, of course.  On the road, against a quality foe, I had low expectation of a win.   It annoys me that the team pissed away this game with a plethora of shoddy, schoolyard mistakes.     Rampant confusion on defense.  Softee coverage and tackling.   2 missed FGs.   A WR with years of NFL experience too ass=clumsy to secure a cake-easy grab in the EZ without scraping his toe on the chalk.  A goofy, no-brained gimmick play that served no purpose and halted an impressive first drive.    It all adds up to a shoddy loss.   It’s awfully hard to crawl out of an 0-2 hole, so next week’s game is fairly imperative. 


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1


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