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Stillers-Chefs Postgame Analysis and Grades (Wild Card)

January 17, 2022 by Still Mill

Chefs 42, Stillers 21...... Jan 16, 2022 ………Wild Card


Stillers-Chefs Postgame Analysis and Grades


The 9-7-1 Stillers mosied out to KC for the 2nd time in 4 weeks to face the 12-5 Chefs.   The 1Q ended in a scoreless tie, which was a huge victory, in and of itself, for the Stillers, who are quite used to being down by 10 or 14 after the 1Q. 


The Stillers hopped to a 7-0 lead, but KC quickly tied it.    It seemed like this might be a close game heading into halftime, but then KC blew the game wide open with 2 TDs late in the 2Q, making it a 21-7 drubbing that never got closer.  




QB:   Ben had a shoddy evening in his last NFL game.

Had a bevy of hideous misfires on 3rd down, 1Q,.   Threw a deep post to Carpool, 2Q, which was an underthrown lollipop.   A shitty-assed pass at its worst. 


Threw another deep ball to Carpool, late 2Q, which was a babyfied lollipop that was woefully underthrown.   Was 5 of 14 for 24 yards at the half. 


The 2nd half was marginally better, with lots of STAT PADDING due to KC playing a softee scheme with e comfy lead on the scoreboard.   If this game revealed anything, it’s that it’s high time for Big Ben to retire.  C



Harris  –  had a costly fumble, his first of the season, on the first play from scrimmage of the 2H by the PIT offense.   Had 12 rushes for 29 before the idiot coaching staff finally pulled him from the game to prevent needless injury.     B-


McFarl – again inactive.   


Snell –   Had 2 carries for 15, and 2 grabs, pretty much all in garbage time.   This may have been his final game with PIT.    


Ballage – good, north-south line plunge, 1Q, for 5 yards.  Saw some other work. 


FB:    Watt, as usual, playing sparingly on offense.  At an enormous cap hit, this was likely his last game as a Stiller.       



Wash -   Stellar downfield combat catch by James Wash in the 3Q.   Then replicated that with a sterling combat catch for a TD in the 4Q.  Heyyy….good thing this fellow ROTTED the past 6 weeks behind RayRay McStink.      A    


Dionte -  dropped a short slant pass, 1Q.  The committed a false start on the very next play.  Dropped a slant on 3d & 2, 2Q.   Grabbed a TD pass to make it 35-14.     C+ 


Claypool –  ignited the 3Q TD drive with a good grab on a skinny slant.     Had 3 grabs for 25, to end a fairly miserable season.       B-        


Schuster – snared a pass and dove for the 1st down, 1Q.  Dropped a short pass, 4Q.   Had 5 grabs for 26, which was meager impact.    Good effort to be avail for this game.  


GayRay McClod – Had 2 grabs in garbage time.   Pray that these are his final 2 catches, ever, in the PIT uniform.



Pat FryBoy – Had 4 grabs for 25.    


Gentry – Had 4 grabs for 33, mostly in garbage time. 


OL:  JC Ass-an-hour got the start at C.   LeGlue started at OG.   Moore returned at LT.  Fat Trai started at RG, with Okorafor at RT.  


Fat Trai Turner didn’t block ANYONE, with the NT coming in scot free for a sack, 1Q.  Moore was flagged for a hold, 4Q. 


The run blocking was wanting tonite.   The pass pro was mostly okay.       C+ 



Heyward – The $65M Man had his typically meager, soft playoff game, with a piddly 2 solos and 2 As.  


(13:17 - 1st) (Shotgun) J.McKinnon up the middle to KC 48 for 6 yards (C.Heyward)     Impressive solo on a line plunge that gained SIX yards.  


Helped jar the ball loose on the Sitter Watt scoop n’ score.   Of course, had the KC players not juggled the initial handoff like a circus clown, Scam would have never been part of this play. 


(9:22 - 2nd) (Shotgun) P.Mahomes pass short left to J.McKinnon pushed ob at PIT 40 for 14 yards (C.Heyward).   Here, The Scammer lumbered after the screen pass, slow as whale manure, and got a slop solo after a hefty 14 yard gainer.  


A couple plays later, Scam took himself OUT of the play on a QB drop and scramble up the gut, with Mahomes gaining 23 yards. 


(12:32 - 3rd) (Shotgun) P.Mahomes pass short left to T.Kelce to PIT 28 for 8 yards (C.Heyward).    Another slop solo for The Big Scam ! !  


In all, a weak, underwhelming game by The Scammer.    Yeah, he got a FF ….on a BOTCHED play in which a non-QB botched the handoff and the ball got fumbled.   Gee, what value, at $65M !!    C-


Tuitt – another vaunted DE who again sat, due to Fat Wallet Disease.   What a fatass.    F-minus


Wormley – did little.  


Loudermilk –  ditto


Henry Mondon’t – ditto


Adams – chipped in a bit.   Needs to drop 15 pounds in the offseason.  



Bush – got a Dong INT, 1Q, off a batted pass by Watt.  That was it.   Had ONE solo the entire game.   What a steaming pilo manure.   D-


Schobert – also had just 1 solo.     C


Watt – batted the pass that Bush INT, 1Q.    Flagged for a blatant, obvious facemask, 2Q.   On the next play, he scooped up a loose ball and ran it into the EZ for a TD.    At the half, Derek Watt has as many solos tackles (1) as Big TJ Watt.  


Hilarious TD scored by the KC RT, early 3Q.  The KC RT began the play by rag-dolling Big TJ Watt and throwing his ass onto the ground, and then grabbing the short TD pass.   


Stop the presses....!   Sitter Watt just got his 2nd solo tackle of the game, with 4:50 left in the game, on a slop stop of a WR screen.    At that point, the fullback, Derek Watt, had as many solo tackles as The Sitter.     Big TJ then got a sack on the next play, coming in basically untouched.   So impressive!   Sitter finally got his first playoff sack, in garbage time, late in the game with the score 42-21.    The Sitter finished with a whopping THREE solo tackles, a batted pass, and recovered fumble when KC botched the handoff off a gimmick formation using a non-QB.    Oh, and a “big sack”, with 4-1/2 minutes left in a 42-21 blowout.     So impressive!       C-     


Highsmith – got a sack, late 2Q, to push KC outa FG range.  Didn’t do much else.      B- 


Spillane – got tooled by Kelce for a 31 yard grab n run, late 2Q.  Had 5 solos and at least seemed to try.    B


Marc Allen – did little. 


Tuscka – Nabbed a KC run for a 4 yard loss, 3Q.  Otherwise didn’t do much. 


Mel Ingram – Good thing Mike Asslin traded this fellow.    Asslin had no need for a capable veteran to serve as a backup OLB. 



Haden – got torched on a sluggo (slant n go) route for the TD just after the 2MW, 2Q.   Probably his final game as a Stiller.      C


Cam Sutton -   got thoroughly abused b y Hill for a longish TD, 3Q, to make the score 35-7.       C+


Norwood – stellar bust-up of a 3rd down pass, 1st series, to force the punt.    Got caught flat-footed on the HElce TD late in the 2Q.       B- 


Edmunds – never close to an aerial football, once again.  


Minkah -  superb lick and wrap of a WR on a 3d down, 1Q, which forced the punt.   Outstanding play.  Whiffed on a tackle attempt, 2Q.   Late giving help to Sutton on the Hill TD.     B-


Pierre – thankfully sat the bench on D. 


‘Spoon – wasn’t tooled, but didn’t do much.  


Maulet – saw reduced playing time.  


Spec teams:  

Harvin– finally stopped punting like a girlish lil’ beeyotch.   7 punts for a 49.7 average.   Bout fuking time.    B+


Boswell – In a rarity, he tried no FGs.


RayRay – fielded a KO, late 2Q, at the GL, and ran it alllll the way back… his own 15.   Brilliant !!  


48 yard punt return by KC, 1Q.    So much for the Stillers winning the ST battle. 


OC:  Matt Canada came out with an offense as bland as skim milk, with ZERO wrinkles, tweaks, or changes.  On the first series, it was 2 vanilla ling plunges, and a short pass, then punt.   Gee, how fuking poriginal !!


14 plays, gained 12 yards, in the 1Q.  What vomit.   Thru the 1st half, this stale, stagnant offense had the ball 7 times, and produced 7 punts.  Their longest “drive” was all of 20 yards.   Pure, hot garbage. 


The O stats might look half decent, but that’s only because KC, armed with a hefty lead, played soft and allowed dozens of yards in garbage time.     This offense sucked ass tonite.    F



Keith Assler managed to hold KC to a 0-0 tie after one quarter, which was a sheer miracle.  


Assler was given a 7-0 lead in the 2Q, but sure as a bear shits in the woods, Assler promptly allowed KC to march the length of the field for the tying TD.   Assler then quickly allowed the go-ahead TD. 


Then, on 3d & 20, ball near midfield, 20 second left in half....and somehow Keith Assler has some assaholic, SITBACK, Stand & Look Defense called, allowing a 48 yard catch & run TD.      This was the play that blew the game open, and it was unacceptable given the time and distance. 


In the 3Q, Buttler got gashed continuously, and KC opened up a huge lead.  This defense allowed TDs on SIX consecutive possessions, as Buttler stood around, all confused, with a thumb in his mouth and his other thumb up his ass.    F  


HC:  Mike Asslin said on Natl TV before the game:  “If yer a blinker, cut yer eyelids off”. 


Well, Asslin needs to cut his eyelids off.   The team BLINKED by playing a tepid, timid brand of football on both sides of the ball.     The defense was either soft, or entirely confused, or both, which the blame needs to fall on the vaunted HC who supposedly is a “defensive guru”    The offense was hot, fresh garbage all night long, doing nothing until KC had opened up a 35-7 lead.   The blame here also needs to land in Stoogelin’s lap, who learned exactly nothing from the prior loss to KC and didn’t change a single fuking tactic, technique, or strategy.  The team did NOTHING to throw off the Chefs, or keep them off-balance.   Absolutely nothing. 


Another playoff game…..and another humiliating asswhipping.  In their last three playoff games going back to 2017, the Stillers have trailed 28-7, 35-7, and 35-7.   In their last four playoff games — losses to the Patriots (2016), Jaguars (2017), Browns (2020) and Chiefs (2021) — Stiller foes have scored 171 points, an average of 42.75 per game.  Why, isn’t Michael The Almighty Tomlin supposed to be this vaunted “defensive guru”, “great gameday coach” and “great motivator”?    Why, then, does he get brutally spanked in playoff game after playoff game after playoff game?     Looks like it’s high time for Michael The Almighty to move on to his life’s work, and quickly.     F-


Synopsis:  A severe buttwhipping in all phases of the game, on night-time national TV, no less.   Quite embarrassing for Stiller fans, having Fat Andy Reid mop up the field with Michael Stoogelin.   Thus ends a ddrab, vastly mediocre season, in which the team feasted on beating the dregs and slouches (aside from DET, whom they tied), and mostly got boat-raced by the good teams on the schedule.   Up next, the 20th pick in the NFL draft.   And, a presumption that there’ll be loads of roster movement, with longtime players like Tuitt, Haden, AluAlu, James Wash, and Schuster moving on.



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