The GilDong Report (Game #3, @ Cinci)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason
Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable
time the past 4 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason
Gildon.� (Click here to read the 2002 season-in-review
GilDong Report)� Big Jason
has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are
incorporating this into their point systems.)�
Again in '03, we'll take time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for
the fraud that he truly is.
Jason, known around the league as The Paper Tiger
for his ability to compile paper statistics, had yet another weak-assed,
low-impact effort in the win over Cinci.�
Jason The Gimcrack finished with a feeble 1 solo and no assists, in what
was yet another soft, meek efforts by a player who mans the glory-boy spot in
the 3-4 defense.����
�
{Speaking of stats, last year we expanded our "Dong
stats" and will do so for the 2003 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally accepted dong
principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're added a few
more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking of Jason
GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.�
These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.�
Jason, the renown master of the Flop & Flail, has done this
with such frequency and adroitness that this stat is a surefire addition to the
NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include
the infamous Flop & Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then
feebly flails, as well as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted
flails against ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL
tackler who actually knows something about technique, balance, and
hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.�
1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense
to chew clock, win field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an
egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and
forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.�
Obviously, the bottom line in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a
TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are required to even come close to
atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a recap of Big Jason's game versus
Cinci:
1.� 1-15-CIN 15�� 8:41 1Q. ��At the snap,
Jason is engaged by the TE, Reggie Kelly, and no one else.� Despite this, all Jason does is paw and play
pattycakes with Kelly, and never once tries to shed the block.� RB Corey Dillon slammed up RT for an
adequate 3-yard gain, while Jason -- as is all too customary -- stood and
watched.�
2.� 3-4-CIN 26��
7:28 1Q.� QB Jon Kitna fades back
to pass, while The Bullrushing Behemoth, Big Jason GilDong, rushes against one,
and only one, blocker, RT Willie Anderson�.
��� 
�instead of doing his "big
bull rush", as he is so fond of bragging about, what does The Gimcrack
do?�� He loops waaaaayyy around the Horn
of Africa, to a point on the football field where he has no more usefulness
than the hot dog vendor over in the end zone bleachers�
��� 
�whoops!�� What happened to The Big Bullrusher?�� Obviously, he was ridden out of the play
like a lost kitten amidst a pack full of wolves.��
Kitna, thanks to Jason's imbecilic
WLR, scoots through a massive hole for 8 yards and the first down.� But, hey, for $6 Million bucks per
year, what more do ya want out of a big, he-man, "pro bowl"
linebacker?�
3.�
1-10-PIT 17� 5:16 1Q.� On this pass play, Kitna attempted a pass to
Warrick, which was adroitly broken up by Chad Scott.�� The ball was harshly deflected by Scotty as it arrived to the
intended receiver.� Meanwhile, Jason had
dropped into that piss-ant, little zone coverage in the left flat that he so
often does, as it's the only coverage the coaching staff can even think of
allowing him to perform without risk of 3rd degree burns and
embarrassment.� Jason dove and snared
the deflected ball for an INT.�� Here's
where Jason's astute football savvy, "leadership", and 10-years worth
of NFL experience -- which we hear trumpeted almost daily by the Pittsbugh
media -- took over.� Stumbling about
beneath the shadows of his own goal post and falling off-balance, Jason got the
bright idea to lateral the ball, despite a phalanx of Bungals in front of both
Jason and the intended "receiver", Joey Porter�.
��� 
�Jason, of course, assumes his
favorite position -- down on all fours �.
�and instead of fighting in the
scrum for the football, what did the "leader" Jason GilDong do?�� He gets up and plays
"referee".��
In all, this was an overly
fortuitous, extremely lucky INT that had absolutely NOTHING to do with
linebacking prowess or football skills.�
Then, Jason, ever the "team leader", had the brainy idea to
attempt a dumbassed lateral on his own 8-yard line in a 0-0 game.� And, lest we forget to mention, Jason tried
to jam Warrick on this play -- soon after the ball was snapped -- and as is his
norm -- Jason feebly flailed and missed in laughable fashion.
Of course, after the game, Jason, as is his nature, had the
gaul to gloat and brag about the INT, as though he just snared a ball intended
for Randy Moss at the end of a 65-yard bomb pass.� Said the stooges at Steeler Digest, "It was easy for Jason Gildon to be
in a good mood on Monday. He had a strong game against the Bengals; some even
saying it was one of his best games ever, picking off a Jon Kitna pass for his
second career interception.
�We were talking about that,� said Gildon. �That was my second interception,
both of them against Cincinnati, both against Kitna. I think he likes me.�
Actually, facts be told -- and we here at Stillers.com
analyze the facts, not bullshit -- Jason's only other NFL INT came
against Kitna and the Bungals in 2001, when Porter and KenBell slammed into
Kitna as he was getting ready to release a pass.� The impact caused the ball to shoot high into the air like a
wounded quail.� Jason, who was standing
around and doing nothing, just happened to be in the right place at the
right time when the wounded quail fluttered harmlessly to earth, and he dove
and grabbed it.� So, if a defender can
create a deflection and get the ball to plop harmlessly within a 5-foot radius
of a standing-around Jason GilDong, then, by golly, Jason's the man to have on
your defense.�
Jason was
asked if he regretted the move to try to get a few more yards.� �No, it looked good on tape. I regret
he didn�t catch it,� joked Gildon. �That�s about it."� Yep, that's about it -- a "defensive
captain" with the football brains of an imbecile and the "it wasn't
my fault" leadership skills of a 6-year old.� That's about it.� ��
4.� 1-10-PIT
44� 0:41 1Q.� Kitna fades back to pass, while Big Jason is solo-blocked
by a RB�.
��� 
�Jason does nothing but paw and
grope at the RB's chest�.
��� 
�Kitna takes off up the hole just
inside of Jason, while Big Jason jousts and tittyfights�.
�
�(below) see that oafish buffoon stumbling around at the 45-yard
line? That would be your $6M Dong, Jason GilDong.
�
Kitna gained an easy 6 yards on
the play.� With such demonic, he-man
play like this from Big Jason, why not throw in another $2M onto the guy's
salary, salary-cap be damned?�
5.� 1-10-CIN 20� 10:30
2Q.� At the snap, Jason is untouched and
unblocked on an obvious running play�.
�instead of doing things that a LB
should do -- ie, blasting, disrupting, knifing, forearm shivering, etc -- what
does the big "pro bowl" LB do?��
He pusses out; takes the play OFF; caves in; and turns his BACK to the
blocker, rookie FB Jeremi Johnson�.
�Johnson then simply mauls Jason
The Gimcrack�
��� 
�and Dillon runs through a massive
hole vacated by "the defensive captain" for an easy, healthy 6-yard
gain.�
��� 
Sure enough, of course, we'll hear
babble from The GilDong Apologists Association (GAA), "Oh, you don't know
what Jason's assignment was on the play", as though any team -- even one
coached by a dimbulb like Billy Cowher -- would ever have an
"assignment" for a LB that consisted of turning his back to a blocker
and getting CAVED IN.�
6.� Two plays later, Dillon again ran up RT, with Jason blocked by
the TE, Kelly, and only the TE�
��� 
�as usual, Jason does nothing but
joust and grope at the blocker's breasts�.
��� 
�the play is basically over, yet Jason
cannot resist the urge to continue with his playful titty-jousting.�� Why�?�
�Because as long as Jason looks reasonably employed -- no matter how absurdly far-fetched that "employment" may be -- there are thousands of blind simpletons who will continue to gush all over Jason and pronounce, "Jason had a strong game against the Bengals�"
�
7.� On the very next play --� 2-9-CIN 42� 8:43 2Q -- Kitna passed to TE R.Kelly down the sideline, "covered" by Big Jason GilDong.� Jason, of course, was easily beaten by Kelly, but the pass was underthrown.� Jason was flagged for a malicious, flagrant defensive Pass Interference penalty of 18 yards, enforced at the CIN 42.� Jason looks like a runaway windmill on this play.� Absolutely pathetic.�� But, hey, when you're taking $6 Mil to the vault per year, why do anything even slightly resembling NFL-caliber linebacking, when sub-par, shit-laden play will get you the big money?�
8.� On the very next
play -- 1-10-PIT 40� 8:35 2Q --
B.Bennett ran up left guard to PIT 39 for 1 yard.� Jason slanted in meekly and just pawed at the back, in weak,
girlish fashion.�
�
9.� 2-8-CIN 24� 14:16 3Q.�
Kitna attempted a pass to P.Warrick.�
Jason stunted to the inside, and after a small amount of push, jumped
& stuck up a paw and got a bat on the ball.� Quick -- call up Rooney!�
Jason got a batted pass!�� That's
gotta be worth another $100K, easy!�
10.� 1-10-PIT 25� 11:55 3Q. At the snap, Kitna handed off to backup
RB B.Bennett.� Meanwhile, the brawling,
ever-feared "pro bowl" LB, Jason GilDong, is left totally neglected
and unblocked as he does a designed slant�
�Jason has Bennett dead to rights.� Here's where a big, loud-mouthed "pro bowl" LB puts the
wood to a RB�
�instead, Jason feebly falls to his knees and makes a weak,
sissy tackle for his only tackle of the entire game�
��� 
Of course, sure enough, after the play, Jason has to prance,
dance, woof, and bark as though he'd just stopped Rickey Williams 1-on-1 at the
goal line in the 4Q of a tie game.
��� 
Never has a player in a Stiller uniform woofed and pranced
so much, yet has done so little, as has Jason GilDong.�
11.� 2 plays later,
Kitna fades back to pass, while Jason paws, tittyfights, and loop-rushes
against RT Willie Anderson�.
�Jason loops waaaaayyy behind Kitna, a good 5 yards�.and
then Bell gets the sack as Jason comes over�
��� 
�as is his cotinual ploy, Jason tries to lunge at the fallen
QB in order to obtain a cheezy half-sack, but in grande', pathetic fashion,
feebly whiffs on that attempt�.
��� 
�ever the Dong dabbler, Jason still tries to reach out and
paw at Kitna, all in hopes of fooling the statisticians and garnering a Dong
sack when, in fact, he did nothing.�
���
12.� 3-5-CIN 46� 12:48 4Q.�� Kitna attempted
a pass to C.Johnson.� Jason, rushing
from the RDE spot (rather than his normal LDE/LOLB� spot) got a paw on the ball for a bat.� Grab the cel phone and contact Rooney immediately!� Jason got another bat!�� My gawd, if this guy ain't the most underpaid
summabitch in the league, I don't know who is!�
13.� 1-10-PIT 47� 10:32 4Q.�
Kitna hits backup TE Tony Stewart on a short pass in front of
Jason and Chad Scott.� As you can see,
Jason is right there, in perfect position to hit Stewart and make the simple,
cake-easy play�
��� 
..instead, Jason once again flops to his knees and gropes at
Stewart as though the Bengal TE was an HIV-infected leper���
��� 
�Stewart shrugs off GilDong as though he was a toddler, and
once again, Jason is left lying empty-handed with his dick in the dirt.�
��� 
�Scott makes the stop, with help from Farrior, and all the
while, the "team captain" and "leader" is sitting on his
ass, doing absolutely NOTHING.�
���
Wonder why this defense is so soft and passive?�� Wonder why this D has lost its
identity?� One only needs to look at this
play, and see what the supposed "leader" and "defensive
captain" is doing.� Gee, what a
great display of "leading by example".� What an inspiration to his teammates!�� What a prime example of "what right looks like" to his
defensive mates and rookies.
14.� 4 plays later, Jason was flagged for holding, which allowed the Bungals to overcome an incomplete pass on 3rd down and receive the automatic 1st down.� 5 plays later, the Bungals scored to make it a 10-point ballgame.�
To summarize:� Jason had 1 solo the entire game: that came
when he ran a designed slant and was untouched and unblocked, and feebly
flopped to his knees and grabbed a backup RB for the stop.� He allowed 3 1st-downs during the game; was
flagged twice; and shamelessly turned his back to the FB on a simple
dive play that netted 6 yards.��
Sacks?� None.� Hurries created when he beat a blocker?� None.�
Hits on the QB after beating a blocker?�
None.� Forced turnovers?� None.�
Hard hits?� None.� Stuffed running plays?� None.�
Meaningful impact on the game, aside from almost giving the football
away on his own 8-yard line?� Absolutely
none.� Jason had a gratuitous INT,
wholly created by a teammate.���
Sure enough, we'll hear more
babble from Ron Cook and The GilDongites, "�but�but Jason
was back in coverage practically the whole game."� No, he was not. Counting plays with flags
and plays in which the QB ran, Jason dropped in coverage 10 times, while
rushing the QB 20 times.� He rushed
twice as much as he covered, yet didn't harass, hurry, or hit Kitna the entire
afternoon.� But sure enough, there's
bullshit babble from idiots like Teresa Varley that fawn all over Jason and
claim, "It was
easy for Jason Gildon to be in a good mood on Monday. He had a strong game
against the Bengals; some even saying it was one of his best games
ever."� Best game ever?� The man STOOD AROUND the entire game and,
aside from a fluke deflection that he INT'd, did absolutely NOTHING.���
"But Jason is being ganged
upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� But sure
enough, we'll hear experts like Ron Cook, who will tell you how badly Jason is
being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every
play.� It's balderdash.� The Bungals ignored Jason on most plays and
treated him with as much fear as if they were facing Justin Kurpeikis.�
It's high time the Pittsburgh
media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The Gimcrack for
what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little energy, does
nothing, and is actually inferior to 4th-year LB Clark Haggans.�
It's partially absurd that this
much analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still
scores of fans out there who think this phony is actually worth a rat's
ass.� He's not, and we'll continue to
expose him, week in and week out, this season.�
If anyone doubts the validity of
The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and compare
what you observe to what the report covers.�
Don't have the game on tape?�
Then make it a point to isolate on Big Jason, and only Big Jason, on
perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.�
Soon enough, you'll join the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter
truly is.�
Season to date totals for Jason, in 3 games:
Earned
Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�:� 0
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 2�
First downs allowed: 5
TDs allowed:� 1�
(Click
here to read the 2002 season-in-review GilDong Report�)
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only
nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately
predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)