The GilDong Report (Game #12, vs. Cinci)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason
Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable
time the past 4 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason
Gildon.� (Click here to read the 2002 season-in-review
GilDong Report)� Big Jason
has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are
incorporating this into their point systems.)�
Again in '03, we'll take time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for
the fraud that he truly is.
# 92 really
played a strong game on the left side of the defense.� He helped stuff the run, and he attacked the passer like a shark
after blood.� Only problem was, Duane
Clemons was playing for the Bengals, not the Stillers.� The Stillers' # 92 did absolutely nothing
the entire game.� Jason
GilDong, known around the league as The Paper Tiger for his
ability to rack up paper stats, had yet another weakassed game in which he hit
nobody, did nothing, and stole oxygen from players who could have used it.� Jason The Gimcrack was credited with 1 solo
and 2 assists, but as we shall see, Jason only had 3 feeble assists and no
solos.� And, as we shall see, Jason
spent the entire afternoon loop rushing waaay around the Horn of Africa, doing
absolutely nothing to harass, hurry, or disrupt the QB.�
{Speaking of stats, last year we
expanded our "Dong stats" and will do so for the 2003 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of the Flop
& Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness that this
stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop & Flail, in which
Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well as the numerous
varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against ballcarriers that are
otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually knows something
about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.� 1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at
a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the
ball into scoring range.� Personally
allowing a first down is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to
remain on the field and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line in football is
the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are
required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a recap of
Big Jason's game versus Cinci:
1. 2-10 PIT 39 14:00 1Q. RB Corey
Dillon takes the handoff up LG.� Big
Jason Gildon (red line, below), the he-man "pro bowler" is SOLO
blocked by the lead FB, Jeremi Johnson�
���� 
�Jason (red line) ran a designed
SLANT and had Dillon dead to rights, and should knock the piss out of this
ballcarrier�
��� 
�instead, The Flopper flops to his
knees like a crackwhore, and Dillon easily busts out of Jason's weak, girlish
tackle.
��� 
What should have been a 2-yard
loss was turned into a 2-yard GAIN, thanks to the weak, bumbling incompetence
of one Jason GilDong.�
2. 1-10 CIN 27 11:42 1Q. Dillon
takes the handoff, while Big Jason (red circle, below) is SOLO blocked by the
tight end��
��� 
�instead of manhandling or
forearm-shivering the TE, what does Jason do?�
He TURNS his back like a complete puss�.
��� 
�Dillon saunters by for an easy 6
yards, while the "team captain" is in his oft-favorite position of
the backward
sit-squat.�
But sure enough, in today's Post
Gazette, Jason babbled ad nauseum, "As a competitor, you never want to
just lay down and quit. Pride is definitely a factor."�� Pride is a factor for those who have
it.� Competitors don't lay down and
quit�.but lazy, half-assed STAT MONGERS like Jason GilDong quit at every
opportunity.
3. 2-6 CIN 46 9:41 1Q. Jason was
SOLO blocked by the TE, and got a SOFT ankle-grab of Rudi Johnson for a soft
& cheesy assist. No LB in the history of pro football has
accumulated a greater percentage of his tackles from weak ANKEL GRABS than Big
Jason GilDong.�
4. 3-3 CIN 49 9:08 1Q.
As Kitna faded back to pass, Big Jason was SOLO blocked by the RT, Anderson�.
��� 
� Jason did a HUUUUGE wide loop rush (WLR), which
allowed the oxen-slow Kitna to easily scramble right and then launch the
51-yard TD pass to Washinton.
���
�the "end zone" angle of
this play is below.�
��� 
�even as Kitna has STARTED to
scramble toward the right, Jason is STILL loop rushing with no sense of
purpose.��
��� 
Chad Scott got loads of damnation heaped upon himself after
this TD play.� Here's the root problem
that everyone overlooked:� the
dumbassed, bonehead "pro bowl" LB looped waaay around the Horn of
Africa, and ALLOWED the slow-footed Kitna to scramble and then launch the long
TD pass.� Any kind of AVERAGE, MEDIOCRE
linebacking would have shut down that 40-foot wide lane of Kitna and harassed
him into a throwaway or a sloppy pass.�
5. 2-5 CIN 25 4:30
1Q. Warrick caught a short crosser with Farrior in hot
pursuit.� Jason, who'd dropped back into
that piss-ant little zone coverage of his, dove at Warrick's legs and barely
bumped Warrick, who easily scampered away.�
The only thing that stopped Warrick was the white stripe of the field
that causes a player to be "out of bounds".� For this heroic effort, Jason picked up his 2nd garbage
assist.
6. Very next play, 3d & 1, Jason tittyfought with
a tight end�.
��� 
�then waved and FLAILED at Rudi as he ran by for 15 yards
and the critical first down.�
�� �
7. On the very next play, 1-10 CIN 44, Rudi took a
handoff around right end�
�
��� 
�ONCE AGAIN, The Big Puss, Jason GilDong, TURNED his back
!!!
��� 
8. On the very next play, NFL.com's play-by-play
states "pressure by Gildon". He didn't pressure jack
shit.
9. 1-10 PIT 35 2:09 1Q. As
Rudi takes a handoff up LT, Jason is engaged by TE Tony Stewart�
��� 
�Stewart mauls GilDong like a
mountain lion mauling a hapless donkey, and sure enough, Big Jason ends up in
his favorite position -- on all fours like a drag queen in heat.�
��� 
��� 
�the big, bad-assed, brawling
"pro bowler" is then bullied and raped by rookie wide receiver
Kareem Washington�.
��� 
�and Jason is thoroughly incapable of WARDING off this little blocker or even simply disengaging from him.
��� 
Rudi gained an easy 5 yards around The King of Outside
Contain, Jason GilDong.� But remember,
Jason isn't quitting.� No, Sirree.� That rookie receiver is just so big and
tough and brutal.�
11. 2-1 CIN 27. FB Jeremi Johnson took a
token handoff up the gut.� Hampton was
the first to make contact, and in the ensuing scrum no less than 5 Steelers
were grabbing at Johnson on this piss-ant 2 yard gain.� Somehow, though it all, Jason GilDong was
awarded yet another slop assist, his 3rd of the game.�
12. 3-14 CIN 35 6:18 2Q.
Kitna broke up the gut after eons in the pocket, and gained 15 yards on the
run. Where was the big sack-monging behemoth, Jason GilDong?� He was doing a� huuuuuuge WLR around Cape Horn.�
13. 1-10 50 5:37 2Q. Dillon takes the
handoff and heads around right end, while Big Jason is SOLO blocked by the FB,
Johnson�.�
��� 
�ONCE AGAIN, Jason TURNS HIS BACK
like a complete pansy.�� Dillon goes
untouched around end for an easy 9 yards.�
��� 
This was the THIRD time in the game that the big, brawling
"team leader" QUIT on a play by turning his back like a complete
coward.�
14. 2-4 PIT 4 2:00 2Q. Kitna
hit Johnson on the right side of the EZ for the TD. Jason weakly
paw-pawed with the FB and did absolutely nothing to hurry, disrupt, or harass
the QB.�
15. 2-11 50 10:11 3Q WR
screen to Warrick; Jason easily shielded by TE. What a demon of a
linebacker.�
16. 2-10 CIN 32 11:14 4Q.
Dillon took the HO up RT, while Jason (red line) was SOLO blocked by the FB,
Jeremi Johnson...
��� 
�.instead of FIGHTING thru the block,
or knocking Johnson away, Big Jason simply ACCEPTED the block like a complete
pansy, and then got mauled to the inside�
��� 
�Dillon gained 2 yards out of
nothing, thanks to the softee play of Jason "I would have handled it
differently" GilDong.�
���
17. On the game-winning TD Pass to Schobel, where was
the defensive team captain and vaunted pass rusher?� He was doing the exact same thing he did the ENTIRE game -- a
huuuugge WLR around the Caspian Sea.
��� 
To summarize:� Jason had 3 assists and ZERO solos the
entire game.� Every one of the assists
was a cheesy little add on that did little or nothing to supplement what the
initial hit did to the ballcarrier.� The
Flopper had 2 flailing whiffs and allowed a couple 1st-downs during the
game, and was at least partially responsible for ALL THREE touchdowns with
feeble, horse-shit pass rushing technique more befitting an 8th grader.� Jason also spent more time turning his back
than Mahatma Gandhi, turning his back to a blocker on THREE different
plays.� Hurries created when he beat a
blocker?� None.� Hits on the QB after beating a blocker?� None.�
Forced turnovers?� None.� Hard hits?�
None.� Meaningful impact on the
game?� None.���
Jason spent the entire game LOOP
RUSHING around the Horn of Africa.� Last
season, Jason claimed he "re-found the big bulrush".� Hold your laughter, but whatever became of
"the big bulrush"?� Looping 9
yards BEHIND the QB doesn't look like a bulrush to me.�
Sure enough, we'll hear more
babble from Ron Cook, Dale Lolleygag, Jim Waxall, and The GilDongites
("In Dong We Trust"), "�but�but Jason was back in
coverage practically the whole game."�
No, he was not. Counting plays with flags and plays in which the QB ran,
Jason dropped in coverage only 9 times, while rushing the QB 24 times.���
"But Jason is being ganged
upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� But sure
enough, we'll hear experts like Ron Cook, who will tell you how badly Jason is
being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every
play.� It's balderdash.� As shown repeatedly above, the Bengals
ignored Jason on most plays and treated him with as much fear as if they were
facing Justin Kurpeikis.�
Of course, simpletons like Ron
Cook and Dale Lolleygag, the executive vice presidents of the GilDong
Apologists Association, will continue to fawn and gush all over Jason
GilDong.� Jason may be in the Steeler
record book for sacks, but he's also in the same book for being the biggest
puss in boots to ever wear a Stiller uniform.�
He babbles ad nauseum about qutting�.the ONE defender who has QUIT this
entire season is #92, Jason GilDong.� We
know exactly who KenBell was referring to when he said this defense is
LAZY.�
It's high time the Pittsburgh media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The Gimcrack for what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little energy, does nothing, and is actually inferior to 4th-year LB Clark Haggans.�
It's partially absurd that this much
analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still scores
of fans out there who think this phony is actually worth a rat's ass.� He's not, and we'll continue to expose him,
week in and week out, this season.�
If anyone doubts the validity of
The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and compare
what you observe to what the report covers.�
Don't have the game on tape?�
Then make it a point to isolate on Big Jason, and only Big Jason, on
perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.�
Soon enough, you'll join the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter
truly is.�
Season to date totals for Jason, in 12 games:
Earned
Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�:� 5�
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1/2
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 11 (plus SL and Sea. game, TBD) �
First downs allowed: 20 (plus SL and Sea. game, TBD)���
TDs allowed:� 5 (plus Sea. game,
TBD)�
(Click
here to read the 2002 season-in-review GilDong Report�)
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only
nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately
predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)