An off-season wish list
from the Still Diesel:
1. With the 27th pick in
the first round, the Pittsburgh Stillers select Troy Polamula, safety, USC.
2. Kevin Colbert
announces the signing of Kwammie Lassiter, UFA Free Safety from the Arizona Cardinals.
Colbert states in a press release following the signing that he will still be
using a first round pick on a Safety because 2 good coverage DB's are needed to
improve this defense.
3. On June 2, 2003 Kevin
Colbert announces the release of TE Mark Bruener, CB Hank Poteat and FS Brent
Alexander. Ron Cook in a state of shock predicts the upcoming season will be a
complete failure due to the loss of "the best blocking tight end in
football."
4. The Stillers trade
their 2nd and 4th round pick and 2004 3rd round pick to the Oakland Raiders for
CB Charles Woodson. (A definite pipe dream, but this is a wish list)
5. In a shocking
development, Jason Gildong decides to become a Buddhist monk and give up all
worldly possessions. In a stunning display of selflessness, he pays the
Stillers back $5 million of the original signing bonus so they have the cap
room to find a suitable replacement.
6. Coach Cowher tracks
down Jason Gildong and pleads with him not to take all his talents and the
dreaded bull rush off to some monastery. By the end of the conversation, Cowher
shaves his head and decides to join the monastery to learn the secret art of
the bull rush.
7. After hearing of the
loss of Gildong and Cowher, Ron Cook says this will be the worst season in Stiller
history. In a state of anguish, he writes that this will be his final article
ever on the black and gold.
8. Mike Mularkey gladly
accepts the head coaching job and promotes Tom Clements to offensive
coordinator.
9. Jerome Bettis reports
to camp at 255 pounds and agrees to a substantial paycut. He openly endorses
Amoz as the starter and just wants to help off the bench. States this will be
his last year and he wants to retire a Stiller. (Call me sentimental, but if
everything else I have wished for comes true and the Stillers win the big one,
I would like to see the fatback get a ring.)
10. In mini camp Marvel
Smith seems to be taking to left tackle like a fish to water. Mathias Nkwienti
has his best mini camp ever as Russ Grimm is astounded by his improvement in
footwork and overall football understanding.
11. In a gallup poll
done to determine the most worthless organization in the United States of
America today, the Cincinnati Bengals finish a distant second to ANSWER.