Doncos 23, Stillers 16 ... Jan 17, 2016………AFC Div. Playoffs
Stillers-Doncos Postgame Analysis and Grades
The Stillers visited the Doncos in the AFC Div. playoffs, playing without DW and AB. The Stillers were in the thick of things, and had a lead going into the 4Q. As usual, of course, they pissed away the 4Q lead despite facing a decrepit, spaghetti-armed, scattershot QB.
Co-Goats of the Game – Pissfuk Marcus Wheaton, Jordan Cherry, and Fitz Toussaint. Pound for pound, though, given the NFL experience and PT in the game, the Chief Goat was none other than Pissass Markus.
QB:
Hideously over-threw a wide open Wheaton on the game’s first play, which should have been 6 points. Went 9 for 15 in the 1H for 132 yards. Would have had more, plus a TD pass, had Piss-ass Wheaton not allowed a TD pass to clang off his shoulder pads. Had an ok 2H, but couldn’t guide the O to a TD. He def missed his security blanket in AB. C+
RB:
DeAngelo – did not dress, due to the foot injury.
Touissaint – Bobbled an early dumpoff, and then was easily stopped for a 1-yard loss. Superb spinning run, with 2d effort, late in the 1Q to set up 1 & G at the 5 inch line. He then plunged it into the EZ on the next play. To my dismay, he then proceeded to do some faggott-like dance and jig. This, after a meager, cake-easy 1-foot plunge. Good 9 yard run, late 3Q. In the 4Q, ran the ball through a GAPING hole, and then had the ball poked out (cough, cough!), which Denver recovered at the Denv 35. A wretched fumble on a softie poke-in by a DB. Perhaps he shouldn’t have been preening and jigging so much after his 10-inch TD p,unge. Send this piss-ass back to Pissagan, where he belongs. D-
Todman – took a lil’ pitchout, 1st play of 4Q, and then danced and circled backwards, losing 5 yards in the process. Very poor. C
FB:
Will Johnson – no noticeable PT on offense.
WR:
Brownie – did not dress, due to last week’s concussion.
Pinkie Wheaton – grabbed a WR screen, 3rd play of game, and was easily stopped for a 2-yard loss. On a key 4th & 1 in the 1Q, allowed a sure TD pass to CLANG off his shoulder pads and fall harmlessly incomplete. A lazy play by a WR who, like Skillet-hands Martavis, has zero technique and a sloppy attempt to high-point the ball. Finally did something, busting a tackle after a 2-yard grab, 4Q, and then gaining about 13. Had his usual piss-ant production of 5 grabs for 30 yards. 6 YPC…..let’s sign this fellow to a 5-year extension. F
Bryant – Mr. Skillet-Hands dropped yet another pass, this in the 1Q Big run on a 1Q end-around, good for 40 yards. They tried the end-around to Bry on a key 3d & 2, 2Q, but Bryant danced far too much and was stopped well short of the sticks. Dropped a WR screen pass, early 3Q. On the very next play, was wide open on a dump off and ran for miles on the RAC, gaining 52 yards. Got out-muscled by Talib on a 3d down EZ pass, 9:36 3Q, which allowed Talib to bat the ball away. Made a rare (for him) hands catch, 3:00 4Q. Had 9 grabs for 154. B
Heyward-Bey – was left WIDE open on a 2Q 3d & 5, and with a big RAC, gained 58 yards. B
Coates – nice RAC after a curl pass, 1Q, good for a 37-yard gain. Grabbed a crosser and gained 24 yards, late 3Q. Drew a PI flag a few plays later. Had 2 grabs for 61. B
TE:
Miller – dropped a 3rd down pass that would have moved the chains, 2Q. Dropped a short pop pass, early 3Q. Had just 1 grab for 5, and spent a lot of time in pass pro. C+
Jesse James – Totally forgotten the past 5 weeks, he grabbed a slant, 4Q, and gained 22 yards.
Speath – grabbed a valve dump and was toppled as easy as pie after a measly 1 yards gain.
OL:
Villenueva – got tooled by Ware on the late 3rd down, causing severe harassment of the QB.
Foster – lazily got tooled by Wolfe for a 3rd down sack, 2Q.
Wallace – failed to peel off a needless double-team and got his QB mauled on a sack, 2Q.
DeCastro – Didn’t commit any major boners.
Gilbert – Fat Marcus got abused on a speed rush, late 3Q, on a 1st & 10 on the Denv 24. Then, adding insult to injury, he reached out and stupidly and blatantly grabbed the rusher’s mask to draw a 15 yard penalty. Then got totally abused on the late 4th down sack to seal the loss. He sucks, and he sucks ass. C-
DE:
Heyward – an incredibly quiet game. Did very little. Even held off the stat sheet. Unacceptable. D+
Tuitt – good stop of run play, 4:00 1Q. Completely bottled a ground play, early 2Q, which was stopped for a 1-yard loss. Solid game. B
McLendon – got buried on the Anderson 34-yard run, late 2Q. Very poor. Had a couple of slop stops. C
Fat Cam – fortunately, rarely played.
LB:
Timmons – solid game, although he over-pursued or got tied up Marriott woodon some good ground gains. B-
Shaz – Good stop short of the sticks, first drive, which forced a FG try. Good read and lick on Anderson on a plunge, late 2Q. Blistering tackle on a GL plunge, 4:00 4Q. Decent game. B+
Harrison – sniffed out decoy direct snap on 3d & 2, mid 2Q. Blistered Williams for a 1-yard loss, 3Q. Steamrolled CJ Anderson and sacked the QB, 4:00 3Q. Perhaps his best game of the season, in what might very well be his final game in a Stiller uni. A-
Jones – JarStiff helped stop 2 consecutive ground plays, 10:00 2Q. May have saved a 94-yard TD run by hustling downfield and hauling down Anderson after a 34-yard run. Good coverage on Daniels, 3Q, and busted up the pass. Actually chipped in a bit and resembled an NFL LB. B-
Dupree – good stop of run, 2nd play of 2H.
Moats – got nicked up, 1Q.
DB
Will Allen – good stop of TE dumpoff, mid 1Q. Blistered Woman-ing off a blitz, late 2Q. Whiffed on an untouched blitz of Manning in the 4Q, which enabled Manning, after slipping, to get up and fire a completion.
Mitchell – blasted Sanders on a key 4th & 3, mid 2Q, forcing Manny to drop the ball. Of course, like a complete jackass, Mitchell had to preen for like 14 seconds after the play. Whiffed on Anderson’s long run, late 2Q. Finished with a meager 1 solo. C
Golden – chipped in some here and there.
Gay – failed to bust up a curl to Sanders, 2Q, despite blanketed coverage. Flagged for PI, early 3Q. Made up for the boner by blowing up a WR screen on 3rd down a few plays later. Dropped an INT right in his NUMBERS, midway 4Q.
Blake – Gave Sanders a cushion of about 14 yards, allowing an easy 19 yard completion, 3Q. Beaten on 3d & 11 late in the 3Q, but Manning’s pass harmlessly sailed OOB to save his bacon. C
Sharko Thomas – Not permitted to play on D, because, as you know, Allen is such a studly safety and this secondary is just so dominant. I guess he might get some PT in 2017. Inc
Boykin – good stop of Anderson on 3rd down short of the sticks, mid 2Q. Failed to bust up a key 3rd & 12 pass, mid 4Q, which was snared and gained 31 yards. Failed to corral the RB on the short TD plunge, late 4Q. B-
Cockrell – tooled by D. Thomas for a deep curl, late 1Q. Was beaten for a TD by D. Thomas, first play of 2Q, but the pass was about 10 inches too far. Got stiff-armed by Sanders after a 0-step hitch, allowing a 1st down at 5:50 4Q. C-
Spec teams:
Berry – Jordan The Cherry booted a vomit-spewing 27-yard punt from his EZ, 1Q, which gave Denv golden FP at the PIT 31. Not quite satisfied with that effort, he shanked another 27-yarder in the 2Q, once again giving Denv golden FP. Finally booted a good punt, late 2Q, for 50 yards, which pinned Denv down on its own 5. Had a chance to pin the Doncos deep, early 4Q, but instead hit a booming punt that landed 7 yards into the EZ for a measly 14 yard net (not counting the intentional DOG flag that moved the ball back to the 39.) Complete, adulterating vomit. F-
Boswell – Booted 3 of 3 FGs. A
Wheaton – lazily and stupidly failed to at least nudge a punt coverage gunner, who then leapt into the EZ, batted the ball back, and got the ball downed at the 3 rather than a TB. Then, in the 3Q, he allowed a low punt to roll for like 15 yards, and by the time he fielded it, he was blasted by a gunner, forcing a fumble. Luckily, the ball squirted OOB. Punting from their own 38, this allowed Denv to flip the field and pin PIT on its 6 yard line. Skillet-hands Wheaton fielded a punt around his own 7, 11:33 4Q, and promptly muffed it as it CLANGED off his shoulder pads. Luckily, Cockrell recovered it just prior to the goal line, plus there was a motion flag on Denv. F
The punt team allowed a 42-yard return, 1Q.
OC:
As is usual with Haley, his offense sputtered like a bitch in the final quarter of the season.
Taking over in the 3Q on their own 6 and leading 13-9, Haley went completely Cro Magnon conservative, calling 3 straight runs that gained -1, 0, and 5 yards. Complete barf. Then, on a 1st & 25 to start the 4Q, Haley calls a lil’ pitchout to Todman that gains…..a minus 5 yards….! Genius !! I wasn’t too fond of the end around to Bryant on a key 3d & 2 in the 1H. The late “drive” at 3:00 4Q was hardly impressive, advancing from the 20 all the way to …….their own 43. D
DC:
Got to face a spaghetti-armed QB with zero mobility, yet struggled like a bitch in the 4Q and at the end of the 1H. Don’t fawn over Assler’s “holding of Denver in the 1st 3 quarters”. Fact is, Manning threw the ball like complete manure, being more scattershot than Clifford Stout. Beyond that, the Doncos dropped at least 7 cake-easy passes that were on target.
Had Denver pinned down on their own 4-yard line, late in the 1st half. Instead of, you know, making a stop and forcing a punt from the EZ, Assler allows a lengthy, 11-play march, which ended with a FG to make it a 1-point game. This is precisely how a team pisses away a road playoff game.
Sure, Toussaint fumbled, but Denver got the ball on its OWN 35 yard line. What does Assler do ? Stands around, with thumb up ass, and allows Spaghetti Man to direct a 13-play, 65 yard TD march. The appropriate ending to a hideous first season as a DC. D-
HC: Just another playoff egg-lay for Coach Stoogelin. Mike Dumblin oversaw his usual playoff timidity, tightness, spec teams slop, and overall lethargy. Big Mike always talks all kind of tough bravado, but then, come playoff time, he directs a meek, timid, chickenshit mentality that pervades the entire operation.
Faced with a 4th down, early 4Q, while clinging to a 1-point lead, Stoogelin eschewed a 51-yard FG attempt and instead sent Jordan Cherry out to punt. Cherry, ever the bag of vomit., promptly launched a booming punt that landed 7 yards into the EZ for a whopping net of 14 yards. Why in the hell would Stoogelin eschew his MOST reliable playoff performer this year (Boswell) and put the ball in the hands, er the foot, of the struggling Jordan Cherry?? Especially in Denver, where 51-yard FGs are as routine as a Tomlin playoff egg-lay?? And it’s hilarious…..Stoogelin trusted the strong-legged Bowell to boot a 47-yard FG, but not a 51-yard FG….? Typical Stoogelin -- he talks all kinds of macho bravado, but then gets all scared and chickenshit when crunch time occurs.
Let us not forget -- Stoogelin had 7 weeks at camp, plus SEVENTEEN weeks during the season, to groom and prepare an alternate punt returner. What did he end up doing? Why, absolutely nothing !! Back on punt returns, Wheaton looked like some short bus kid playing his first game of Pop Warner football. You could have lined up 10 random beer vendors, then blindly selected one, and that person could have fielded punts every bit as well as PissAss Markus. Complete barf. There are THREE phases of the game of football, to include SPEC TEAMS, and Michael Stoogelin, in his 9th season, is still completely oblivious to this fact.
Just to everyone understands how Big Michael's team finished out the season --
- Lost to a decrepit, woeful, injury-ravaged Balt team in a MUST win game.
- Scratched and clawed against a hapless, 3-win Clev. team, clinging to a flimsy 5-point lead in the 4th Qtr of a MUST win game. This, against a team whose coach was already publicly known to be getting fired right after the game.
- Surrendered a FIFTEEN point 4th Qtr lead against a rookie greenhorn QB, in a monsoon no less, and allowed Cinci to take a late lead. Only the gratuitous foolishness of Cinci enabled Stooggelin to win a game he clearly had lost.
- Faced a spaghetti-armed, decrepit, stone-footed QB and again urinated away a 4th Qtr lead.
Quick -- with all of this, Doltbert should be giving Stoogelin a 9-year contract extension...!
Many yinzers will lazily point to the injuries. As in, no other NFL team suffers any injuries, ever. And guess what -- if Michael The Almighty hadn’t pissed away the 15-point lead 4Q lead last week, AB doesn’t injured. Of course, Coach Teflon is always left off the hook by the sheep-like Pgh. media. St. Michael can do no wrong, and is never, ever responsible for the comedy of errors that permeate his playoff games. F
Synopsis: Another lackluster season comes to an end. Of course, this team would have been ass-whipped by New Eng had they slipped by Denver today. There’s no urgency for Mike Stoogelin, of course…..after all, he has lifetime employment. Plus, Big Ben will play till he’s, what, 55 years of age….! Off to the offseason, where an enormous amount of work must be done to re-tool this softee defense.
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)
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