The GilDong Report (Oct. 24th)

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong�s 11 sacks in �98 --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I devoted considerable time last season to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '00, I'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he is.

Due to The GilDong Report gaining some media attention for the 2nd consecutive season, I'd like to briefly explain the work that goes into The GilDong Report. During each Stiller satellite broadcast, I take copious notes on each and every play. This isn't a case where I'm carousing around a crowded sports bar, with a beer in one hand and a waitress in the other. (That's typically only on Friday nites�yuk yuk) The day following the Stiller game, I re-watch the entire game on videotape, usually beating the hell out of my VCR remote by watching most plays 3 or 4 times, & again taking some more notes. Aside from coaching staffs of NFL teams other than the Stillers, there's simply not many people in the country who study a team so closely, nor study one player for this kind of regular, comprehensive analysis.

Playing a weak, ravaged Browns team, Gildon picked up where he left off in his half-hearted effort against Cinci, and despite the fawning by Mark May and Ian Idiot, Gildon had another meek effort.

On the Browns first possession, Prentice bounced a gut play to the outside, and a free Gildon was waiting there for what should have been an easy stuff for a loss, or at best, no gain. Instead, Prentice slipped through a pitifully weak arm tackle by Gildon, and gained 2. I know, some people will mutter, "What's 2 yards?" See me when we're playing a legitimate team, and hanging on for dear life, and a running back garners for 2 yards on a key 4th quarter 3rd-and-2, rather than being dumped well short of the sticks.

On the next Clev. possession, Prentice ran up a massive hole up right tackle, which was created when rookie TE Aaron Shea simply manhandled Gildon by shoving him way to the outside. Gildon responded with what is becoming his favorite ploy -- the 1-arm flail-- which Prentice easily busted as he cruised by for the 9-yard gainer. A couple plays later, Porter lined up at LOLB, and Gildon at LDE. Porter made a swooping speed rush around the RT, which flushed Pederson from the pocket. Gildon, who was doing little more than playing pocket pool with the offensive guard, was standing in a convenient spot to corral Pederson after a 2-yard gain.

Later in the 1st quarter, at 5:16, Gildon made a play identical to a meat-licking play he made last year in Rich Stadium versus the Bills. On a routine pass play, Gildon -- unlike what the Pittsburgh media keeps gushing about -- was unblocked by ANY offensive lineman. The Browns chose to have their RB pick up Gildon. Jason came in and met the RB, and like an imbecile allowed himself to be pushed to the INSIDE. Pederson then spotted the acre of room available to the right, and Pederson rolled right and then hit Northcutt for a 10-yard gain. There is no excuse whatsoever for a left OLB, on a routine QB drop, to meet a solo-blocking RB and get blocked over TOWARDS where the right DE is located. NONE. This isn't as dumbassed as Burress spiking the ball against Jax, but it's awfully close.

A couple plays later, Clev. tried a TE screen. Gildon -- again totally unblocked -- managed to throw up a paw, and the short pass nipped his hand, and Kirk got the INT. While it was nice that Gildon got a rare pass-deflection, given the nature of a TE screen and where the TE was set up and Gildon being untouched, this was hardly an all-star play.

Near the end of the first half, Gildon -- on the WLR (Wide Loop Rush) -- appeared to get pretty close to Pederson's release of a duck-like pass that fluttered incomplete. I studied this play several times, and it did not appear that Gildon got any part of his hand on the ball. Rather, it looked as though the bumbling Pederson merely threw a Graham-like wounded quail, and/or the ball slipped from his hand as he was releasing it.

At 13:50 of the 3rd quarter, Gildon missed a fairly easy sack, and Kirkland made the stuff of a 1-yard gain.

Later, at 6:51 of the 3rd quarter, Big Jason got his 5th sack of the season. Unlike the Pittsburgh's media's bullshit claim that Gildong is being "double-teamed", the Browns once again chose to use their RT to help block the Stiller interior line. RB Prentice was supposed to solo-block Gildong, but the young rookie appeared to momentarily forget his blocking assignment. By the time he remembered it, he was way too late to even get a hand on the untouched GilDong, who came in and took down Pederson for the sack. Obviously, this was a Dong Sack. In fact, it was this very kind of common slop sack by Gildon, that helped spur the official creation of the Dong Sack™ statistic after the '98 season.

Finally, at 11:37 of the 4th quarter, Pederson completed a 2-yard dumpoff to his TE. Gildon was playing in a short zone on this play, and came up and made the simple tackle of the stationary TE. On a scale of difficulty, from 1-10, this stop rated about a 1.2.

So�let's recap this game Jason had. He was credited with 4 solos and no assists. The 4 solos were:

• Barely touch-blocked on a run designed to go up the gut (but is bounced wide after no hole is open), Gildon allows a RB that should have been stuffed, to slip thru a weak tackle for a 2-yard gain.
• Joey Porter flushed the QB, and the standing-around Gildon stops the flushed Pederson for a 2-yard gain.
• Gildon gets a Dong Sack when nobody blocks him or touches him.
• Gildon stops a stationary TE after a 2-yard dumpoff.

Wowww. Excuse me if I don't gush and fawn all over Jason --- a la Ron Cook and Mark May --- over a day's work that was no more extraordinary than an Eskimo making a snowball. Jason also deflected a pass, but as we have seen, Jason was unblocked on the play and had only 2 choices --- raise his arms in the air, or wax his carrot --- in terms of what to do with his hands.

I keep hearing this cock & bull about "how much Jason Gildon has improved this year", and "how well Jason Gildon has played", yadda yaddy yadda. Frankly, aside from a decent Titan game in which the Titans CHOSE to not block him, Jason has done only two things well this season --- Jack and Squat. Otherwise, all I keep seeing on the film, is the SOS --- same old slop -- from Jason Gildong.

Season to date totals for Jason, in 7 games:

Earned Sacks: 2
Dong Sacks™: 3
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1