Flacco Sues Jacoby Jones for Potential Loss of Wages
Reporting by PalmerSucks
November 6, 2014
BALTIMORE (AP): Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco stunned the sports world today when he announced he would be filing a lawsuit against teammate Jacoby Jones. The charge: “potential loss of wages due to lack of occupational support.”
“It’s Sunday Night prime time, the time I disappear,” said Flacco. “Just like that game in Pittsburgh against Leftwich a couple years ago, and of course the Super Bowl.”
“That’s when it’s up to my boy Jacoby to run back kicks for scores and bail me out,” continued Flacco. “He did it in Pittsburgh, he did it in New Orleans just fine. So where was he THIS Sunday, when I needed him?”
When informed that Jones did indeed return a kickoff for a touchdown, Flacco responded, “ONE stinkin’ kick? Big deal. Did you see the way Ben was flingin’ it tonight? The dude was a freakin’ TD factory! I needed three or four kicks run back just to keep up with him. C’mon man! You kiddin’?”
“My client’s livelihood has always depended on Mr. Jones,” added Flacco’s attorney, Luke Warmwater. “That’s how Joe gets the big-money contracts. When Jacoby doesn’t come through with the plays that hide Joe’s no-show performances, and spare him from all accountability, Joe can’t earn top dollar. It’s that simple.”
“There’s a reason I got voted MVP,” Flacco concluded. “And it’s got nothing to do with my sheer, blinding mediocrity. I’ll leave it to you geniuses to figure it out.”
No court date has been set.