Due to Jason GilDong�s pitiful productivity and lack of
impact, combined with the avalanche of feeble excuses from the GilDong
Apologists Association (GAA); and the religious sect known as The
GilDongites (In Dong WeTrust); and the entire Pittsburgh media
corps, we here at Stillers.com felt compelled to compile these excuses into a
handy �top 10� list.� Herewith, for your
enjoyment, is the list:
Top 10 Lame Excuses for Jason GilDong:
#10.� The Steelers
are winning, so he can't be playing that bad.� This makes no sense whatsoever, but
nonetheless, it is bandied about with frequent zeal.� As if a team has never won a game in which an offensive player
has stunk like manure.� (see Kordell
Stewart.)� As if a team has never won
despite a defensive player getting tooled and abused.� (see Randy Fuller, Tim McKeyer, Donta Jones, et al.)� As if a deep, talented team can't win in
spite of a single, sorry player like Jason GilDong.� Utter folly, but as you'll see with the GAA and the GilDongites,
they'll grab at any lame excuse and then hang on to it for dear life, no matter
how imbecilic or asinine the excuse may be.�
#9.� Jason does
more than just pass rush.� This
feeble excuse is often used to explain Jason's pathetic total of 1 sack through
8 (eight) games. �The Apologists then
add that Jason "defends the run and the pass".� Sure�and the Soviet Union defended free
speech and personal liberties.� Take a
look at the solo tackles Jason has made this year (trust me, it won't take
long; there haven't been that many.)� A
vast majority have been made on cake-easy stops of little curls and hitches
right in front of Big Jason.� Run
support??� As nonexistent as a gun
control advocate at an NRA convention.�
QB pressure and harassment?�� As
nonexistent as a Republican conservative holding a key managerial job at a
major media network.� Pass
defense??� Not only has Jason not come
anywhere near an INT this season, but he's done jack shit in terms of breaking
up passes.� Jason covering passes is
like asking a blind, arthritic alcoholic to defuse a bomb�.you just pray
that the thing doesn't blow up in your face.�
#8.� He made the
Pro Bowl, so the players and coaches must know something.� No, they don't.� Players spend personal time on pro bowl voting, and as
such, quickly open the USA Today, peruse the league leaders, and finish their
ballots in 5 minutes or less.� And as we
know, Jason has been able to pad his stats with Dong Sacks, on
plays in which he was totally untouched or on pass plays in which the QB
finally ate the ball after 6-8 seconds of standing in the pocket.� In the past few years while in the bloated
AFC Central, the Stillers played 5 divisional opponents twice, meaning they
faced only 11 unique opponents all year. 11 teams of players faced the
Stillers, while the other 20 teams did not.�
Yet the players' vote -- remember, 2/3 of the league had never
faced the Stillers in combat on the gridiron in that particular year -- is
supposed to be meaningful because the players are so omnipotent and brimming
with knowledge and observation.�
Coaches?� Most routinely work
19-hour days�and you think they're going to devote SCARCE time to a ballot that
has absolutely no bearing on their livelihood or their ability to win the
upcoming game?�
�
#7. The coaches say he's playing well.� This lame-assed excuse is almost always
followed by, "And I tend to believe the coaches�"�� Yeah, right�as if in today's politically
correct environment, a coach is really going to come out and call a spade a
spade.� Like a coach is really going to
relish the ALL OUT MUTINY if he calls out a slacker in the press in today's
environment of guaranteed contracts.�
Coachspeak is alive and well, and nobody dishes out the bland,
nonsensical, noncommittal brand of coachspeak more often than Billy
Cowher.����
#6.� He's still a
leader in the locker room and on the field.� Unbelievably, this old saw is still getting an enormous workout
and is still being bantered about in discussions of The Gilded Dong.� The last time this worn-out, worthless
excuse was used with such fervor, it was in defense of Darren Perry, as
in, "He's a leader back in the secondary" (but can't cover a table
with a tarp), and "�a good guy in the locker room" (but a lousy guy
on the field) and� "He's still
looked up to�" (regarding questions on the NFL pension fund, but looked down
upon when it comes time to making a play on a deep pass).� Like Perry, Jason GilDong sucks ass on the
gridiron�so much so, that no player will openly admit that Gildon is loathed in
the locker room and on the field as a guy who is making mega-millions and yet
avoids contact as though opposing players were slathered with an AIDS-infested
fungus. "Jason is a great leader"�but couldn't lead a toddler out of
a phone booth.
#5.� Because of
Jason�s �reputation�, opponents are �keying� on him.�� Never mind, of course, that as far back as
1998, in the infamous Kordell crying spat in Tampa, some opponents were totally
ignoring GilDong by literally not assigning a blocker to him for nearly the
entire game.� Unlike the major media and
the Steeler �pom pom� web sites out there, we�ve watched tape of every
game.� Not only has no team �keyed� on
The Gilded Dong, but no team has paid the price for not keying on
GilDong.� Fact is, teams this season
have vastly ignored Jason, knowing that The Gimcrack is a harmless turd who
won�t maim or destroy anybody.�
#4.� Jason has to
contain.� This one isn�t
nearly as prevalent as the ever popular �Jason is always back in coverage� or
�Jason is being blocked by numerous blockers�, but this pathetic excuse is
gaining momentum and popularity.� It
appears to be gaining momentum and popularity for two reasons:� a.) We here at Stillers.com have already debunked,
with pure, raw numbers, the fallacy of �Jason is always back in coverage�, and
b.) It contains just good enough football babble that the average fan is
gullible enough to believe it.� The
truth of the matter, of course, is that claiming �Jason has to contain� is
about as applicable to the root problem as saying the Patriots lost Super Bowl
20 to the Bears, 46-10, because of the brand of athletic tape they used.� �Containment� is such a weak, pathetic,
quibble of an excuse that everyone who uses it ought to be banned from entering
an NFL game until they extract their heads from their posteriors.� Containment, contrary to popular belief,
does not mean an OLB has to be bullied and bulldozed all the way over to the
sideline.� Containment doesn�t mean an OLB
has to loop rush on an obvious running play, thereby taking himself out
of the play and allowing a running lade wide enough for a Ford Expedition to
rumble through.� Containment doesn�t
mean that an OLB has to sit fallow and do nothing but playfully tittyfight with
an opposing TE.� Jack Ham, Andy Russell,
Mike Merriweather, Greg Lloyd, Chad Brown, and others had to
"contain", yet none of them stood around with thumb up anus
like Jason GilDong has done all season.�
#3.� Jason is
being blocked by 2, 3, even 4 blockers on each and every play.� This is a longstanding favorite excuse of
the GAA.� See �Stillers.com Discovers
Plan for Containing Gildon�.� Then
watch any Steeler game, and unless you consume 10-plus beers during the game
like some faithful fans are prone to doing, then you, too, will see the sheer
fallacy of this weakling excuse.� Not
only are teams NOT using multiple players to block Big Jason, but when they do
solo-block him, they often just use a TE or a shrimpy RB and still Jason is
unable to do anything except paw and grope at the blocker�s breasts.�
#2.� Jason is
dropping into coverage practically the entire game.� Once again, pure balderdash that has
absolutely no factual basis whatsoever.�
Our staff has compiled the stats of Jason�s rushing versus coverage
responsibilities for every game this season (through the Ravens game).� Counting plays that had flags, Jason has
rushed the QB on 196 plays, while covering on only 115 plays.� This translates to a ratio of rush/coverage of
1.70, yet the GilDong Apologists Association continues to cry and sob
that �Jason is (sob) back in coverage (sob) nearly the entire game.��� The same flabby-mouth simpletons also claim
that the Apollo moon landing never occurred.�
A major anomaly that cannot be explained by the GilDong Apologists is
this:� If Big Jason is �being blocked by
2 blockers�, and if he�s �constantly back in back coverage�, how is that he�s
being blocked by those 2 blockers while he�s BACK in coverage?� Isn�t that called �illegal man
downfield�?� How could those 2 or 3
blockers be blocking Jason, who supposedly is back in coverage �all the
time�?� On top of that, The GilDongites
love to claim that the pass-rushing success of our other LBs is because 2-3
blockers are blocking Jason�..but how can 2-3 blockers be blocking Jason if The
Big Man is �constantly back in coverage�?�
Answer: Like all no-brained, pathetic excuses and feeble
rationalizations, there is absolutely no correlation nor logical thought.�� The GilDong Apologists don't watch
games�they're simply too busy formulating excuses as to why The Big Man plays
so little.
and #1.� Jason is
being asked to do different things this year.� This has rapidly become a favorite of the GAA and the
GilDongites.� It�s become so popular
that even the dunces announcing the Pit-Clev. game on TV uttered it after Jason
was involved in a rare play.� Truth be
told, there�s only so many things a LB in a 3-4 defense can be �asked� to
do.� Let�s see -- there�s tackling;
run-stuffing; rushing the passer, and pass defense/coverage.� That�s about it.� Sounds like tasks that nearly every OLB in the entire
National Football League is �asked� to do, but suddenly, for a NINE YEAR
veteran and defensive captain, this is a big deal and simply a matter of asking
for too much, akin to asking a 5th grade art student to paint an exact
replica of the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel.�
Shame of it is, of all of these "elaborate" things that Jason
is being asked to do -- tackling, run-stuffing, rushing, and covering --
there�s not a single task that Jason can do at a proficiency level above
mediocrity...and some tasks Jason has clearly been performing in a thoroughly
unsatisfactory manner.��
There you have it, folks.�
The official, Ron Cook/Ed Bouchette/Jerry DiPaola/Bob Labriola/Sam
Ross-approved Excuse List for Jason GilDong.� Print this off, and have it handy the next time you watch a game
with your buddies.� You, too, can
attempt to dazzle your buddies with football-babble and bullshit.� Just be prepared for the onslaught, however,
if they've actually watched some Stiller games this year�.
