Stillers 31, PoeBirds 27 ……. Dec. 25, 2016…………Game # 15
Stillers-Ratbirds Postgame Analysis and Grades
The 9-5 Stillers hosted the hated 8-6 PoeBirds in what amounted to the AFC North title. The Stillers pissed and farted around for 3 quarters, before coming alive in the 4Q and taking the lead. Sure as shit, of course, the Softee Defense allowed a 14-play, 75 yard TD march to give Balt the lead with only 1:18 remaining. Miraculously, Ben led a late-game drive, with AB capping it off with a miraculous reach of the pig over the plane for a TD with only 9 secs left.
QB: Good TD strike to Grimble. Good deep ball to AB, late 1Q, which was grabbed but negated by AB’s silly shove. Poor deep out to Bell, 2Q, after having all day in the pocket. Nearly INTd by Moore on the very next play. Timid 1H, going 6 of 9 for 60 yards.
Started the 2H with a completely DOGSHIT pass, which was INTd and returned to the PIT 20. Completely VOMIT of a pass, which was well high and wide of Johnson. Failed to hit AB on a key 3d & 2 lob to the EZ, passing the ball about 2 feet too long. Instead of tying the score at 14, the Stillers settled for a piss-ass FG.
Not pleased with this urine-guzzling game he was having, Ben promptly threw yet another SHIT-ASS INT, late 3Q, from the PIT 29, which was returned to the PIT 11. Two KILLER INTs, both deep in PIT territory, both in the 3Q.
Ben came alive in the 4Q. Stellar mini-scramble, and dumped it to Bell for a 7-yard TD pass, mid 4Q. Stellar QBing on the late-game TD drive. Still, it was a dogshit effort for 3 quarters of the game, with the 2 killer TDs. C-
DeAngelo – Did not play any O snaps.
Bell - strong 10 yard run, first carry o’ the game. Bowled over a defender in the process. Had 6 rushes for 39 yards on the stellar, 87 yard opening march for a TD. Committed a silly-assed, no-brained false start on 3d & 4, mid 1Q. Ran for a TD on a cut-back run from right to left to make it a 3-point game, early 4Q. Gained 23 yards on a 4Q carry, but could have had 2 or 3 more, easily…..but he meekly stepped OOB. Sorry, it’s the 4Q of a must-win fuking ball game, with the Stillers down by 3. Stellar effort, with 20 rushes for 122, and 3 grabs for 15. A
D. Johnson, Nix - Nix had some solid lead blocks in the 1H.
Brownie – flagged for OPI, negating 68-yard catch and run, 1Q. It was the right call, but maddening for AB to commit the shove when the DB was off balance, had no clue where the ball was, and had ZERO chance to bust up the deep ball. Had just 1 grab in the 1H, for 7 yards. Big RAC to gain 21 yards, 4Q. On the very next play, looked like he was shot out of a cannon on a quick slant, which gained 26. Made an unbelievably gutsy, hard-nosed effort to stay upright and stretch the pigskin over the goal line for the game-winning TD. Had 10 grabs for 96. The moronic OPI hampers the overall grade. A
Coates - had a ham injury, so did not dress.
Rogers - clutch grab on 3d & 2, deep in PIT territory, in the 2Q as the offense had been sputtering and wheezing. Big catch n’ run of 39 yards, 3Q. Failed to haul in a high slant, 4Q. Ultra-clutch, outstanding pluck of a high pass off a Ben scramble, late 4Q, good for 20 yards down to the Balt 19 at 50 seconds left in the game. This is the play that put the Stillers in position to go for the win rather than settling for the tying FG. Had 4 grabs for 84. A
Hamilton - had 1 grab for 6 yards late in the 4Q, on a play in which I’d have soon he swatted the ball to the ground, in order to save the third TO.
Ayers - drew a PI flag on a deep ball, 4Q. Grabbed a pass, late in 4Q, and smartly got OOB. A-
Heyward-Gay – no PT on O.
Jesse James - gained 20 on a catch and vault, early 4Q. Had 4 grabs for 49. A-
Grimble - excellent grab on a 20-yard seamer, holding on despite a big hit for a TD in the 1Q. Of course, wasn’t thrown a pass the entire rest of the game. A-
L. Green - did not dress due to last week’s concussion. Like I wrote last week, with his rapid recovery prowess, he won’t be ready until, oh, about mid August.
OL: Overall, the line gave Ben plenty of time, as Ben was never sacked, and opened up plenty of holes for Bell. A
Villeneueva - Soldi game.
Gilbert - FatAss Marcus made a shit blocking attempt on a key 3d & 2-1/2, 4:00 2Q.
Foster – Good overall effort.
Pouncey - Held his own against B. Williams.
DeCastro – Stunningly wasn’t flagged for his weekly hold AND false start.
Hargrave - Had a couple of solos. The D-line got gashed by the run in the 2H, which enraged me. C+
McCullers - totally useless on the 17 yard run, 2Q. Had 1 solo all game long. A complete oxygen thief. F
Walton - Had 2 solos and 1 A. Just not enough production or stuffing.
Matthews - stuffed a run, 1st series. This was his lone solo.
Tuitt – the vaunted DE did not dress, due to a knee he somehow sprained after facemasking Dalton early on last week’s game. How fuking sorry, and pathetic.
Timmons – good cover and stop of Smith, 3D, first series. Came in untouched and nailed Jacco for a sack, early 2Q. Had 8 solos and 2 As in a solid effort. B+
Shaquier – excellent stop of the FB on a short pass on 3d & 5, late 1Q. Unbelievably, he was called for a 15 yard flag on a “defenseless receiver” on this play, even though the receiver had CAUGHT and HELD ONTO the football, and then the receiver LOWERED his head as Shaz arrived for the stick. Got tooled by Pitta on a deep seamer that could have been a TD, 2nd play of 2Q, but Pitta failed to haul in the tough grab. Fortunately, this completely bullshit call didn’t cost the Stillers on the scoreboard, as the Rats botched a FG snap-hold a few plays later to keep the score at 7-3. Made a completely BARF play on a 1st down dumpoff to West, 2Q, in which he was timid and flatfooted, allowing West to gain 9 when only 5 or maybe 6 should have been gained. Made a LAZY, feeble-fuk attempt to cover Smith, just 3 plays into the 2H, allowing an 18 yard TD on a play where Shazier pussed out and fuking LOAFED on the entire fuking play. Whiffed on a tackle in the backfield on Dixon, 3Q, turning a 2 yard loss into a 2 yards gain. Had 5 solos and 5As in an up and down effort. C+
Moats - thankfully, did not play on D.
Harrison – Got bamboozled on an end around, late 1Q, for 21 yards. Nabbed West in the BF, last play of 1Q, for a 1 yard loss. Drew a hold by a TE on a pass play while rushing the QB, 2Q. Drilled Wally on a WR screen, 3Q. Was enormously active all game long, with a team-leading 9 solos and 2 As. A-
Jones – A surprise scratch. I reckon the team felt they needed to dress an extra D-lineman due to the uncertainty created by Tuitt not dressing, plus Matthews being nicked up.
Chickillo - not permitted to play on D.
Vinnie W. - not permitted to play on D.
Dupree – smothering coverage on Dixon, 3d & 11, 1Q, to force a FG. Got completely bamboozled on a bootleg, 1Q, which allowed Jacco to open the drive with a cake-easy completion for 11 yards. Got a Dong Sack after Jacco held the ball for like 6 secs, 2Q. Nearly INT’d a 3D pass in the 4Q; at least he busted up the pass to force a rare Balt punt. Had only 3 solos. B-
Golden – briefly came in for Bitchell, late 1Q.
Mitchell – PissAss Mike feebly flailed on Smith, directly after the Stillers had gone up 7-0, which turned a routine 12-yard completion into a 44-yard gainer, plus the 15 yards late hit flag placed on Cockrell. Busted up a very poor pass in the EZ, 2 plays later. Briefly left the game late 1Q due to a back. Got away with a helmet-leading hit on a defenseless receiver, 4:00 4Q. A stupid play by a stupid-assfuker….I have no idea why the flag was not thrown. Late in the game, The Big Tough-guy allowed the Balt FB to just rumble and bowl him over en route to a 10-yard TD that put Balt ahead with only 78 seconds left. A shit play by a dogshit player. C-
Gay - nabbed Smith on a dumpoff, 3Q. Had 5 solos. B
Cockrell - stupidly got flagged for shoving Smith after he was like 14 feet OOB, 1Q. (I felt the flag should’ve been on Burns.) Failed to bring down Smith, 10:00 2Q. Good tackle of Smith on 4 yard curl, 4Q. B-
Burns - Had 5 solos and 2 As. B
Davis - Came in completely UNTOUCHED on a blitz, late 2Q, but took an assaholically brainless, boneheaded angle, allowing the clumsy-assed Jacco to simply step forward like TOW inches and easily elude thw waiving Davis. Instead of a SACK for like a 9 yard loss, and forcing Balt to use a TO, the play results in a sideline completion of 13 yards and the stoppage of the clock. Stood flat-footed and just fuking stood there as Balt completed a cake-easy 2-point completion right in front of Dumbfuk Davis. Good solo stop of Dixon, 9:30 3Q. Made a stellar play to get his hand in and poke away a sure TD pass early in the 4Q, forcing Balt to settle for the FG. An up and down game. B-
Justin Gilbert - did not dress.
Sharko Thomas – placed on IR yesterday. May have played his last game as a Stiller.
Jordan Berry – punted ok. Had 55 yard punt, 1Q. Punted only 3 times.
Boswell – stupidly booted the opening KO OOB (out of bounds), giving Balt golden FP at their 40. Then, when the Stillers scored a TD to make it a 3-point deficit early in the 4Q, this shit-eating ass-licker, Crhis Piswell, AGAIN booted the KO OOB. Booted a 36-yard FG, 3Q. I was almost stunned, late in the game, when he kicked off and kept the fuking ball in bounds for a TB. C+
AB – no punt returns.
Vinnie delivered a thundering hit on KO coverage, 1Q, holding the runner to his own 19. The always-shitty coverage teams allowed a 14-yard punt return, 1Q. Then, the punt coverage allowed an 11-yard return late in the 2Q.
The FG block team was offsides on a made Balt FG late in the 2Q. Naturally, had the FG been no good, this would have given Balt a 2nd chance. Just fuking inexcusable for this kind of silly-assed mistake to be made on such a routine play.
Offense committed an illegal shift on a key 3D, 2Q, which enraged me at this point of the season when this kind of mindless, silly-assed shit shouldn’t be occurring on a team aspiring for the playoffs.
Since the 87 yard march to start the game, they mustered all of like 46 yards the rest of the 1H.
Another old bugaboo crept up, 3Q. After a 39-yard gain by Rogers, the offense lumbered and lurched to get ready, and sure as shit, had to burn a costly TO just 5 minutes into the 2d half. Just fuking brainless, and senseless. You can pretty much set your watch to this occurring every week, or every other week.
Then, down by 3, Ben hits James for 16 yards, and the offense AGAIN pisses away a TO with 59 secs left in the game. The play prior, AB had gotten OOB on a short pass, so, yes, there was plenty of opportunity to call, you know, TOW fuking plays in the huddle, which is something my high school team routinely did some 33+ years ago. And the late game TD by AB? If he doesn’t score, there’snot enough time to spike the ball and boot the tying FG. C
Keith Assler had his usual struggles against the Ratbirds.
On a 3d & 3 prior to the 2:00 warning, 2Q, Buttler decided to go faggott-fuk with a pansie-assed 3-man rush, which allowed Jacco ALL day to play pitch and catch for an easy 1D.
The tackling was fuking ATROCIOUS and HORRENDOUS this ENTIRE 1st half. Just fuking putrid. The primary cause ?? Defenders going in HIGH, for silly-assed KILL shots, instead of shooting for the WAIST and making the basic, routine TACKLE. Making matters worse, their angles were piss-poor and there was a complete lack of swarm and ganging on ballcarriers and RAC’ers.
The Stiller booted a FG to make it a 4-point deficit, 3Q. What does Assler do? He allows the Shitbirds to march….and march…and march. Balt rumbled for 4 straight 1Ds, and only a holding flag halted the drive. Still, Balt was able to cash in on the drive with a fairly easy (for Tucker) 46 yard FG to boost the lead to 7.
The Stillers took a 4-point lead on the Shitbirds at 7:27 4Q. After a KO touchback, Balt started on their own 25. What did the Rats do? Why, they marched….and marched….and marched…. ….and marched….and marched….and fuking marched.
1-10-BAL 25(7:16) J.Flacco pass incomplete short left to K.Dixon (S.Davis). Pressure 79-Hargrave.
2-10-BAL 25(7:10) (Shotgun) J.Flacco pass short right to S.Smith to BAL 29 for 4 yards (R.Cockrell, W.Gay).
3-6-BAL 29(6:30) (Shotgun) J.Flacco pass short middle to D.Pitta to BAL 40 for 11 yards (L.Timmons).
1-10-BAL 40(5:57) (No Huddle, Shotgun) J.Flacco pass short middle to K.Juszczyk to BAL 44 for 4 yards (J.Harrison; L.Timmons).
2-6-BAL 44(5:25) (No Huddle, Shotgun) K.Dixon up the middle to BAL 48 for 4 yards (R.Shazier).
Timeout #1 by BAL at 04:44.
3-2-BAL 48(4:44) K.Dixon right tackle to PIT 48 for 4 yards (J.Harrison).
1-10-PIT 48(4:11) (Shotgun) J.Flacco pass incomplete deep left to K.Aiken. Coverage by 23-Mitchell.
2-10-PIT 48(4:07) J.Flacco pass incomplete deep middle to B.Perriman. Coverage by 23-Mitchell, 25-Burns.
3-10-PIT 48(4:02) (Shotgun) J.Flacco pass short right to B.Perriman to PIT 33 for 15 yards (M.Mitchell, R.Cockrell).
1-10-PIT 33(3:30) (No Huddle, Shotgun) J.Flacco pass short left to D.Pitta to PIT 24 for 9 yards (L.Timmons, S.Davis).
2-1-PIT 24(2:48) (Shotgun) K.Juszczyk left guard to PIT 19 for 5 yards (A.Burns, R.Shazier).
1-10-PIT 19(2:05) (Shotgun) J.Flacco pass short middle to K.Juszczyk to PIT 13 for 6 yards (R.Shazier).
2-4-PIT 13(2:00) (Shotgun) J.Flacco pass short left to D.Pitta to PIT 10 for 3 yards (W.Gay, S.Davis).
3-1-PIT 10(1:25) (Shotgun) K.Juszczyk up the middle for 10 yards, TOUCHDOWN.
14 plays, 75 yards, for a crushing TD. Only Ben’s late-game heroics with AB and Rogers saved Assler from the humiliation. And, let’s see…..yet another crushing, late-game TD allowed by a short-yardage defense that did all but throw out a red carpet for a RB with a gaping, 9-foot wide hole. Is there a worse short-yardage defense in this entire league?? D-
HC: Mike Dumblin managed to eke out the W, at HOME, despite spending most of the game getting bent over by Barfbaugh. Big Mike is always full of his tough-guy bravado when facing hapless, weak-assed opponents like the Browns, Foreskins, Bungals, et al. Sure enough, when he faces a hard-nosed foe like the Poebirds, he goes yellow and chickenshit, backing down and then bending over for Coach Barfbaugh to lube him up and pump him like a lil’ bitch. C
We've seen this movie vs. Balt before. We storm out to the early lead, punching Balt in the mouth. We then completely take our foot off the gas, with mindless, silly assed bullshit, like illegal shifts, a star WR needlessly shoving a confused DB that had ZERO chance to break up the deep ball, and so on. We then typically allow Balt to HANG AROUND in a game they have no business being in, and then allow a march of the entire field, of 14 plays, to surrender the lead late in the game.
Questions to ponder as we relish in the victory:
1. What if the Balt FB (Juszczyk) either slips, or on purpose, falls down at the 5 inch line instead of scoring at 1:25 4Q?? Balt probably plunges it in 2 plays later, chewing much more clock
2. The spot of Jesse James on the late grab and lunge was complete BULLSHIT. It was marked at the 4 yard line. He EASILY was at the THREE. Then, it took the refs like 10 seconds to spot the fuking ball, because apparently a Ratbird “accidentally” got in the way of the pigskin.
3. What if AB isn't quite able to reach the ball over the GL ? There were 9 secs left when he was tackled. With this pigslop of an offense, which moves with all the speed of a glacier, there is no way on Earth they are able to get lined up and spike the ball prior to 0:00.
At any rate, nevermore, nevermore !! The Shitbirds are out of the playoffs and the Stillers are AFC North Champs ! Ha ha ! Fuk you, Barfbaugh !! Of course, division titles mean jack shit if they are followed up with meek, weak-assed playoff exits, which Stoogelin is quite famous for.
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