Dear Mr. Ray Lewis

Dear. Mr. Ray Lewis,

I couldn't help but notice the sweat pouring from your brow as you lied through your teeth last night on Sportscenter following the game. Is that the typical cue for you when you are lying, or was that just a reaction to a few snorts of cocaine? If it is the typical cue, I bet the prosecutors would have loved to know that before your murder involvement years ago. On second thought, I take that back for two reasons. #1 is because I wasn't there, and I don't really know what happened. Heck, I don't even know if that's a normal side effect of coke either. #2, and this is more of the predominant reason, is that I know that you could probably snap me in two with 3 fingers or less. It's a shame you haven't used that passion to quit on your team and join my Steelers.

Anyway, speaking of murder, did you actually pay attention while you were in the game last night? The Pittsburgh Steelers killed your team in every facet of the game...not just while you were OFF the field. That was you wearing #52, right? I am positive I saw you and your teammates give up 38 points, basically 35 of which were in the first half alone. If we were the Pattie-cakes, we could have rolled off another 4 or 5 scores in the second half.

"It's that easy," you repeated over and over, but I don't think it seemed that easy when James the Hurricane Hitman Harrison (take your pick of his nickname, Ray Ray) hammered into your players...drilling the ball with his helmet repeatedly...making tackles through the air...wrapping legs up from the ground, and looking like the superstar you once were. James didn't even have to jump on a pile to pad his stats like some people I know. It didn't seem that easy when Hines Ward blocked Ed Reed sometime into the next decade (It looked like approximately 2013 to me. It didn't seem that easy when Clark Haggans (or was that Clark Kent? Hmm?) was flying through the air knocking out whatchu talkin' bout Willis McGahee. It didn't seem that easy when Troy Polamalu filmed his Japanese movie, karate chopping the ball free on yet another turnover. He's like Walker, Texas Ranger, and eats bullets for breakfast, ya know.

I know you'd got a job to do, Mr. Lewis, in trying to give your team some hope, but your comments bordered on delusional. As a professional, I think you may want to seek some serious help. You really CAN recover from mental illness, sir. If it's just that you are still reeling from all the times Dan Kreider knocked you on your ass in year's past, maybe some nice time off in beautiful downtown Pittsburgh might be just the restful vacation for you. May I suggest a trip to PPG Place to see the Christmas display after light-up night, or a visit to some of the fine shopping and eating establishments at Station Square? Be sure to stop by Bar Louie; there are tons of chicks there. You may have to wear a Steeler jersey though to get the proper attention. I would stop at the Gateway Center Mall on your way into town for a good deal. You'd look good in one of their on sale jerseys of former players...say a used Kordell Stewart...or perhaps a new authentic Jeff Reed. (Be sure to grow out your hair properly and be ready to show off your man-breasts for that though.) (We love ya, Jeff!)

Your post-game claims of the Ravens just giving the game away, along with your desire for 'making them beat you' seem like some kind of rosy-colored, self-esteem boosting assessment of life that you may have learned from playing too much Candyland or Chutes and Ladders as a child. I've got a copy of the game on DVD if you need reminded of the ass-whooping you guys received.

In all seriousness though, thank you for taking part in our 75th anniversary celebration. We really had a nice time with it, and I hope you did too.

This has been a public service announcement sponsored by the friendly folks at stillers.com.

CB26 out!

P.S. I know you can't hurt our Black and Gold, but please don't hurt me.