2012 Season in Review WoodenDong Report
In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you The WoodenDong Report.
In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.
As longtime Stillers.com readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)
For the 2012 season, we and we alone took the time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the outrageous fraud that he truly is. (Apologies for the tardiness of this report....work and other stuff bogged me down...)
Here’s Big LaMarr’s season in a nutshell -- he did next to nothing the entire season. NOTHING. Just as in 2011, The FatAssed LaMarr had various quad and ankle injuries, and missed a bit of playing time. When he was on the field, he was weak as shit and entirely ineffective. He was continually able to be blocked by opponents using a SINGLE pass blocker -- not the supposed phalanx for 3 or 4 blockers that some claimed a couple years ago -- and on running plays he was often easily contained, and even often manhandled, by a tight end, allowing the offense to use a tackle to hunt bigger bear. $61M for a lazy, overweight, over-rated sack o’ dung.
The game by game breakdown is below --
|
Sack # |
Game |
Opp. |
Game Time |
Down/ Dist. |
Whom beat |
Added Description |
Result |
Jar or strip |
Earned/ Dong |
Additional notes |
|
0 |
1 |
@ Denver |
|
|
NA |
|
|
|
NA |
Faced Denv 2nd-year RT Orlando Franklin. Finished with 1 solos and 2 A. A total non-impact the entire game. |
|
1 |
2 |
vs. Jets |
11:16 3Q |
3d & 16 |
RT Austin Howard |
Howard, making his 3rd career start & 1st since 2010, never moved at the snap of the ball and was beaten to the corner. |
loss, -6 |
None |
Earned |
Howard, a 3rd year player out of N. Iowa, was making his 3rd (third) career start. Had 2 solos all game; the easy sack and an easy stop of a backup TE on a valve dump. |
|
2 |
3 |
@ Oak |
3:03 1Q |
3d & 13 |
No one |
LaMarr got a Dong Sack late in the 1Q after Palmer was pressured up the gut and froze in the pocket. |
loss, -7 |
None |
Dong |
Never once sniffed, harassed, or pressured LipBalmer during the carefree pick-apart in the 2nd half |
|
NA |
4 |
vs. Phil |
NA |
NA |
|
|
|
|
NA |
Did nothing |
|
NA |
5 |
@ Tenn |
Did not Play |
NA |
|
|
|
|
NA |
Did not play. |
|
NA |
6 |
@ Cinc |
NA |
NA |
|
|
|
|
NA |
Credited with 1 Solo and 2 As, but in the NFL dot play by play, it was actually 0 solos and 3 As. Credited with a Dong INT on a fluke play in which Dalton pump faked, but the ball left his hand, then hit the RT in the helmet before falling softly in the arms of Big LaMarr, who was standing in no-man's land doing all of nothing on the play. |
|
NA |
7 |
vs. Wash |
NA |
NA |
|
|
|
|
NA |
Finished with a whopping 2 solos and 0 A;'s. |
|
3 |
8 |
@ NYG |
3:45 4Q |
3d & 10 |
RT Diehl |
In an obvious passing situation, Big LaMarr was SOLO blocked and beat Diehl on a WLR (wide loop rush), and nipped Manning’s arm to force a fumble that NY recovered. |
-9. NY recovered. |
Y |
Earned |
Had a strip of Manning, but the Giatns recovered. Had 2 solos and 0 assists in a weak overall effort. |
|
NA |
9 |
vs. KC |
NA |
NA |
NA |
|
|
NA |
NA |
4 slop solos and 4 slop assists. |
|
4 |
10 |
vs. Balt |
|
3d & 8 |
rookie starting RT Kelechi Osemele |
looped around the Horn of Africa while being SOLO blocked by a rookie RT, and Jacco held the ball for nearly forever. |
-5 |
None |
Dong |
Had 5 slop solos and 0 assists. |
|
NA |
11 |
@ Clev |
NA |
NA |
|
|
|
|
NA |
started and did nothing. 0 solos, 0 assists |
|
NA |
12 |
@ Balt |
NA |
NA |
|
|
|
|
NA |
Did not play. |
|
NA |
13 |
vs. SD |
NA |
NA |
|
|
|
|
NA |
Did not play. |
|
NA |
14 |
@ Dall |
NA |
NA |
|
|
|
|
NA |
2 solos, 0 assists. Did next to nothing. |
|
NA |
15 |
vs. Cin |
NA |
NA |
|
|
|
|
NA |
1 solo, 1 assist. Again, did next to nothing. |
|
NA |
16 |
vs. Clev |
NA |
NA |
|
|
|
|
NA |
3 solos, 2 assists. Again, did next to nothing. |
Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M. Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with. Ya can’t. Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.
Season totals for Big LaMarr, The Big Bullrusher, in 13 played games:
Earned Sacks: 2
Dong Sacks™: 2.0
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1
Flailing Whiffs: 4
First downs allowed: 11
TDs allowed: 1
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)
Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1