�The GilDong Report (1st Round
Playoff, vs. Cle.)� 
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper statistics
the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3 seasons to
monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their
point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take
time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
The Stillers squeaked by the lowly Browns on Sunday, no
thanks to their defensive captain, Jason GilDong.� The Browns were able to amass 448 total net yards and 33 points,
with the Stillers� big defensive captain doing little and impacting
nothing.� Jason GilDong finished the
game 4 solos & 2 assists -- not the 6 solos & 0 A that were
advertised in the post-game box score -- plus his usual assortment of flopping
and flailing.�
{Speaking
of stats, we've expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong
Sack, we're added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the
accurate tracking of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing
whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of
the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness
that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop
& Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well
as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against
ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who
actually knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st
downs allowed.� 1st downs are the
piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win
field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that
allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to
stay out longer.
- TDs
allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line
in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about
12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a
recap of Big Jason's game versus Cleveland:
- On 1st & 10 at 11:47
1Q, Holcomb threw incomplete.� However,
the team captain and "veteran leader", Jason GilDong, was flagged for
being offsides.�
- On 2nd & 6 at 11:15
1Q, Green took a handoff on a draw play.�
Jason had dropped off at the snap, since it initially appeared to be a
draw.� Jason was totally untouched and
unblocked, and was able to make a simply, easy-as-pie "catch tackle"
in which he just stood there and "caught" Green.� The young RB from B.C. gained a nice 4-1/2
yards on the play.
- On the very next play,
Green took a handoff on 3rd & short.�
Our crack graphics department had technical problems (he probably
spilled a beer right around this time, or had to top off yet another frosty mug
of brew) and unfortunately, we don't have this hilarious sequence of photos to
show you.� At the snap, Big Jason turns
his back once again, this time to the H-back, Steve Heiden.� Heiden then mauls the behemoth LB to the
ground.� But that wasn't the end of
it.� What's even funnier than a $23M linebacker
turning his back like a complete sissy on 3rd & short, is the $23M
linebacker getting his head & helmet sat upon by the RG, Shaun O'Hara.� Yep, you can see it, as plain as day -- the
RG must have gotten tangled in a scrum, and he can visibly be seen sitting on
the helmeted head of one Jason GilDong.�
Be sure to throw in your tape into the VCR and watch this one again.� J
- 1-10-CLE18 6:16
1Q.� Green caught a short
dumpoff� Farrior has a bead on Green, and you can see Big Jason
directly in front of Green, in perfect position to deliver the blow�
�whoooops.� Instead of delivering a blow, Jason assumes
his favorite position -- kneeling down on all fours, blowing hard�
���
�Jason
then remains in his favorite position, while James Farrior makes the stop.� Yet another Flop n' Flail for Big
Jason !!
���
-
2-8-CLE33 1:03 1Q.� Green took a handoff and headed to his
left.� However, there was nothing there,
so green headed way back to the right�where Big Jason Gildon stood, since he
was totally untouched and unblocked on the play�and Jason begins his favorite
tactic, the Flop n' Flail�
���
�
There's Jason, below, once again assuming his hump-the-dirt position.� Jason GilDong�.the John Holmes of pro
football !!
���� 
-
1-10-CLE31 11:18
2Q.� Green takes a handoff, while Big
Jason is left alone by the O-line at the snap of the ball�
��� 
�below, H-back/fullback
Steve Heiden comes up to block Big Jason�and what does Big Jason do??� For the third time thus far in this game,
Jason The Gimcrack turns his back to the blocker.� (see red arrow in right-hand pic, below)
��� 
�Jason
gets buried, but gets credit for yet another cheesy solo "stop" when
Green tumbles into the scrum.� Sure
enough, we'll hear cries of, "But Jason was just taking on the
block".� Sorry, folks -- 255 pound,
he-man linebackers don't "take on" the block of an H-back by turning
their backs.� A small DB -- sure.� A LB -- puhthetic.�
�
-
On the very next play, Green took a handoff and head up the gut.� As was usual all day, there was no room at
all to run.� So Green bounced it wide to
his rite, where Jason had been lightly lov-tapped by the TE, Mark
Campbell.� With Townsend cutting off the
outside, and Kendrell Bell blowing up the play on the inside, Green had nowhere
to go, and Big Jason got a cake solo stop.
�- 1-1-PIT1 2:21 2Q.� At
the snap, you can see the mauling of the brawling LB, Jason GilDong (red arrow)
that begins to occur�
��� 
�the mauling continues,
with Jason GilDong getting buried so badly that the City of Pittsburgh
paramedics were called in to dig the Gilded Dong out of the dirt and provide
the blowhard some oxygen�.
���� 
�
-
3-19-PIT19 1:16
2Q.� Backup RB J. White caught a short
screen pass, while Jason was in his worthless but ever-popular lil' piss-ant
coverage.� Jason came up to make the
stop, and did an adequate job of taking on the block of the TE.� He had a great chance to belt White, but
then Flopped n' Flailed�
���� 
�lucky for Jason, he got a
finger on White's shoelace, and thus tripped up Whitey for a clumsy, fortuitous
solo stop.�
���
Jason
made a shoestring tackle on 3rd down and 19�quick!!� Give this man another $15 million!!�� He's Jack Ham reincarnated!�
-
1-5 Cle 45 10:12 3Q.� Green once again
tried the middle, but had to bounce it wide due to a total jam-up.� Jason chipped in with Flowers and got an
assist, not a solo.�
-
2 plays later, nearly the identical event occurred.� Green tried the middle, and then bounced it wide due to a total
jam-up, and ran into a standing-and-waiting Gildon.� For this act of heroism, Jason was awarded an assist.�
-
1-10-PIT15 1:13
3Q.� Holcomb faded back to pass, while
Big Jason rushed.� As is his wont, Jason
took� foolish, inside angle as the play
develops�
��� 
����
�which allows the
slow-footed Holcomb to easily saunter wide and gain 4 yards.� So much for "Jason has contain"�
��� 
-
On the very next play, the Browns ran an end-around�
��� 
�and
wouldn't ya know who got duped and bamboozled once again -- the so-called
"veteran leader" whom everyone supposedly "looks up to",
Jason GilDong.� There's Jason (red
circle), so badly fooled that he may as well have run over to that other
sideline for some Gatorade before rejoining the play, which gained a nice 5
yards.�����
�
��� 
-
1-10-PIT43 11:55
4Q.� Green takes a handoff up RT, while
(below) an enormous hole -- roughly the size of the Fort Pitt Tunnel -- opens
up�.��
�
�The player being bullied
and manhandled is none other than the "team leader" and
"defensive captain", Jason GilDong (red line, below), who gets
steamrolled by backup TE Darnell Sanders�
��� 
� Green rambles for 23
yards thanks to Jason GilDong getting bullied by a backup TE.��
��� 
���
But
you can ignore these images, because, after all, I don't have "the
coaches' films", and "we don't know what Jason's assignment was on
this play".�
-
A few plays later, on 3rd & 12 PIT22 10:25 4Q, Holcomb faded back to pass.� Jason (not the outermost rusher), just like
he did in the Tampa game 2 weeks ago, reads the play at the 1st-grade level,
and foolishly allows�
��� 
�the
QB to easily skirt outside the pocket, and make the easy pass to the EZ for the
TD.��
���
-
1-10-CLE38 0:43 4Q.� Holcomb faded back to pass�. meanwhile, Jason did his WLR (Wide
loop rush) against one blocker, not the "big bull rush" that has been
advertised by The Flopper and Tim Lewis�
�
�Holcomb
continues to fade back�..back and back, all the way to the 28-yard line.� Jason, eschewing his "big bull
rush" and doing his WLR instead, was then able to nip the QB's arm as he
released, which caused the pass to go off kilter and fall harmlessly incomplete.
��� 
���
As
you see in the pics, of course, Holcomb took a ridiculously asinine 10-yard
drop�.a drop that does not exist in the NFL in ANY offense.� This play (above) is precisely why you don't
take a 10-yard pass drop�.nor a 17-yard punt drop�nor a 9 yard field goal
placement.�� The pocket exists based on
simple geometry, and when the linemen block according to where the QB (or
punter or placekicker) is supposed to be, the WLR is most often rendered
insignificant.� I take the time to point
this out, just so that The GilDongites ("In Dong We
Trust") don't try to point at this play as some kind of Lawrence
Taylor-like play.� It was a piece of
manure kind of play, rendered effective only because the green, backup QB took
an asinine 10-yard drop.
To summarize:�
Jason had 4 solos -- not the 6 as listed in the box score -- and 2
assists, nearly all of which were as cheesy as the factory that produces
Cheetos.� To sum up Jason's solos:
- solo on draw play in
which he was untouched and unblocked.
- solo on a play in which
the RB tried the middle, and then bounced it wide due to a total
jam-up, and ran into a standing-and-waiting Gildon
- another solo on a play in
which the RB tried the middle, and then bounced it wide due to a total
jam-up, and ran into a standing-and-waiting Gildon
- lucky, shostring grab on
a screen pass on 3rd & 19.�
That was it.� Big hits?�
None.�� Big impact?� None.�
Harassment on the QB?� None,
aside from one untouched rush up the middle and the late-game 10-yard drop-back
in the pocket by the QB.� Leadership?� Absolutely none.�
Sure enough, we'll hear
more babble from Ron Cook, Ed Bouchette, and The GilDongites,
"�but�but Jason was back in coverage practically the whole
game."� No, he was not. Counting
plays in which the QB ran, Jason rushed the QB 31 times, while dropping
back in coverage a measly 12 times.�
"But Jason is being
ganged upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.�� Twice during
the entire game, Jason was "double-teamed" on a side pass rush by a
RB and the RT.� And as we saw time after
time after time after time, Clev. chose to either solo block Big Jason
or leave him totally unblocked, which you've seen in many of the photos
above.� But sure enough, we'll hear
experts like Ron Cook and members of the GAA, who will tell you how badly Jason
is being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and
every play.� Rest assured, not one of
those "experts" will step up and state that Jason was being solo
blocked or simply left alone.���
And, as we learned a few
weeks ago, a new excuse has been invented by the Pittsburgh media.� The first part of the season, the #1
lame-assed excuse was, "Jason is back in coverage all the time".� We here at Stillers.com easily dispelled
that load of bull.� Then came,
"Jason is being gang-blocked by 2, 3, even 4 blockers on every play."� Again, we made a mockery of that fairy
tale.� Then it was "the
scheme"�it was all Timmy Lewis' fault that all the other LBs were hitting
and making plays, while Jason was AVOIDING contact and pussing out.� Now, the new excuse-de-jour for Jason
GilDong is, "Jason needs to get back to the bull rush."�� You saw Jason during this Browns game, and
you've seen the photos�.and not once was Jason's big, bad bullrush any
more effective than a screen door on a submarine.� Bullrush??� Looks (and
smells) more like bullshit to me.
Of course, there's always
someone in the local media willing to sing GilDong's praises, no matter how
sorry and overpaid The Dong is.� Wrote
Ron Cook in the PG about a month ago: "That's why it was so encouraging
to see what Jason Gildon did yesterday. He's a Steelers defensive captain and
their most indispensable defensive player. Unjustly dogged much of the season
as a big-money bust, he took it upon himself to make sure the Carolina offense
had no chance. "� Yes, sure.�
Jason is the team's most indispensable player.� He was so indispensable that he was thoroughly invisible
for the first 12 games of the season -- and "unjustly dogged",
according to Ron Cook -- and only by virtue of facing creampuffs in the two
worst offenses in the NFL has Jason GilDong become remotely visible.� Jason was really "indispensable"
against the Browns; in fact, I cannot fathom how the Stillers could have
possibly won that game were it not for the superhuman efforts and heroism of
Big Jason GilDong on those 4 cheezy solos.�
If anyone doubts the
validity of The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape,
and compare what you observe to what the report covers.� Don't have the game on tape?� Then make it a point to isolate on Big
Jason, and only Big Jason, on perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.� Soon enough, you'll join the legions of
Steeler fans who have finally seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of
Dong�The Princess of Cheeze, Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about
what a fraud this imposter truly is.�
Playoff totals for
Jason, in 1 game:
Earned Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�: 0�
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0
INTs caused: 0
INTs made: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 3
First downs allowed: 2���
TDs allowed:� 1/2
** Also see the 2002 Season-in-review
GilDong Report
