The WoodenDong Report� (Game #8, vs. New England)
In
the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring
you The
WoodenDong Report.
In
light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2
seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the
exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.�
As
longtime Stillers.com readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with
his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some
fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for
well over a decade.)��
Here
in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the
outrageous fraud that he truly is.�
�
In
the game against the Patriots, Big LaMarr had yet another �big game� -- entirely
on paper, of course -- while doing very little while actually blocked.�� He managed to get on the stat sheet --
causing many writers and fans to proclaim �He�s back� --� but the grim reality was that it was mostly
just another stad-padding endeavor by a mediocre
player.��
Big
LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 2 solos and 0
assist.� On paper, it looks liked Big
LaMarr had a �monster game�, but it was loads of gooey slop in only 35 minutes
of playing time.� At 5:44 3Q, Big LaMarr
was jog-chasing the QB (Brady) on a reverse boot, and then collapsed to the
ground as he is often wont to do.� I
figured this was simply Manny being Manny, er, LaMarr
being LaMarr, but it turned out he pulled a ham and did not return.��
�Here�s what Big LaMarr did:
���� - in the 2Q, on a 3d & 15, he stunted
up the G/C hole, TOTALLY UNTOUCHED, and got a sack.�� Quick -- give this man a $61M
extension!�� He got an untouched Dong Sack !��
���� - late in the 2Q, on 1st & 10 at 0:51,
Big LaMarr beat� Sebastian Vollmer, an OT
who started one game this season, in week 2, and has sat out ever since with a
balky back.�� LaMarr gave Vollmer an
initial bull-shove, and Vollmer responded like Jon Scott -- collapsing
backwards, and then doing nothing.� This
play full appeared to be like the Dwight Freeney sack
vs. Scott earlier this season, in which the play was designed to be a quick
pass but the QB held onto the ball far too long.�� As weak and cheesy as this sack was, The
Committee decided to give Big LaMarr an earned sack, even though it obviously
bordered on the cusp of a Dong Sack.��
���
���� This was it in terms of ANY production or
impact from Big LaMarr.��� On the poor
side, Big LaMarr was sealed in badly on the 1st play of the 3Q, on a wide sweep
to his side.�� This was an utterly poor
job of setting the edge, something that MUST be done by an OLB in a 3-4 defense.��
As
you can see, when you peel back the reality of what actually occurred on the
gridiron, you can clearly see that it wasn�t quite the dominant effort that the
Pittsburgh media and the stats sheet purports.��
He had a Dong sack, and a cheesy earned sack against a rusty RT making
his 1st start in over a month due to a balky back.�� He did nothing else.�� Nothing.�
��
Big hits?� NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?���
Very, very little, aside from unblocked plays and a shit block by
a rusty O-tackle who hadn�t played in over a month.��� Harassment ?�� Very, very little.�� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� Very little.�
Of
course, the NFL itself is enamored with cheezy stats
as well.� Big LaMarr was just named the
�AFC Defensive Player of the Month� for Oct.���
Never mind, of course, what really occurred in October --
�� - began the month with a bar-laden effort versus
Houston in which he STOOD AROUND the entire game, to include the GAME
WINNING 42-yard touchdown on a play where he was totally unblocked yet whiffed
miserably like a complete faggott.
��� - Did nothing versus the Titans, and
finished with 1 (ONE) solo, that on a Dong Sack where he beat a FULLBACK, Ahmard Hall, who was SOLO blocking him on the play.�
��� - Did little against the Jags.�� He did manage to beat a backup RB (Brock Balen) for a Dong Sack, and then beat the pitiful OG, Guy
Whimper, for another Dong Sack.� Whimper,
of course, got totally humiliated the very next week on national TV against the
Ravens.
��� - At Arizona, beat OG Rex Hadnot and backup TE Jeff King for 2 more Dong Sacks.���
Gee,
what a he-man.�� Big LaMarr slapped his
dick for massive amounts of time during this �big month�, and then got some
Dong Sacks by beating guards, backup TEs, and backup RBs.�� Gee, I�m so impressed.�� With such demonic, havoc-wreaking play, he
should get player of the decade, not merely player of the month.
Apparently,
this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson
learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish
him with.� Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger
himself.�
Season to date totals
for Big LaMarr, in 8 games:
Earned
Sacks: 1
Dong
Sacks�: 8.0��
Strips,
Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing
Whiffs: 3
First
downs allowed:� 11
TDs
allowed:� 1