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The WoodenDong Report (Game #8, vs. New England)

November 03, 2011 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report(Game #8, vs. New England)


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you The WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��


Here in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the outrageous fraud that he truly is.

In the game against the Patriots, Big LaMarr had yet another �big game� -- entirely on paper, of course -- while doing very little while actually blocked.�� He managed to get on the stat sheet -- causing many writers and fans to proclaim �He�s back� --but the grim reality was that it was mostly just another stad-padding endeavor by a mediocre player.��


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 2 solos and 0 assist.On paper, it looks liked Big LaMarr had a �monster game�, but it was loads of gooey slop in only 35 minutes of playing time.At 5:44 3Q, Big LaMarr was jog-chasing the QB (Brady) on a reverse boot, and then collapsed to the ground as he is often wont to do.I figured this was simply Manny being Manny, er, LaMarr being LaMarr, but it turned out he pulled a ham and did not return.��


Here�s what Big LaMarr did:


���� - in the 2Q, on a 3d & 15, he stunted up the G/C hole, TOTALLY UNTOUCHED, and got a sack.�� Quick -- give this man a $61M extension!�� He got an untouched Dong Sack !��


���� - late in the 2Q, on 1st & 10 at 0:51, Big LaMarr beatSebastian Vollmer, an OT who started one game this season, in week 2, and has sat out ever since with a balky back.�� LaMarr gave Vollmer an initial bull-shove, and Vollmer responded like Jon Scott -- collapsing backwards, and then doing nothing.This play full appeared to be like the Dwight Freeney sack vs. Scott earlier this season, in which the play was designed to be a quick pass but the QB held onto the ball far too long.�� As weak and cheesy as this sack was, The Committee decided to give Big LaMarr an earned sack, even though it obviously bordered on the cusp of a Dong Sack.��


���� This was it in terms of ANY production or impact from Big LaMarr.��� On the poor side, Big LaMarr was sealed in badly on the 1st play of the 3Q, on a wide sweep to his side.�� This was an utterly poor job of setting the edge, something that MUST be done by an OLB in a 3-4 defense.��


As you can see, when you peel back the reality of what actually occurred on the gridiron, you can clearly see that it wasn�t quite the dominant effort that the Pittsburgh media and the stats sheet purports.�� He had a Dong sack, and a cheesy earned sack against a rusty RT making his 1st start in over a month due to a balky back.�� He did nothing else.�� Nothing.


Big hits?NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� Very, very little, aside from unblocked plays and a shit block by a rusty O-tackle who hadn�t played in over a month.��� Harassment ?�� Very, very little.�� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� Very little.


Of course, the NFL itself is enamored with cheezy stats as well.Big LaMarr was just named the �AFC Defensive Player of the Month� for Oct.��� Never mind, of course, what really occurred in October --


�� - began the month with a bar-laden effort versus Houston in which he STOOD AROUND the entire game, to include the GAME WINNING 42-yard touchdown on a play where he was totally unblocked yet whiffed miserably like a complete faggott.


��� - Did nothing versus the Titans, and finished with 1 (ONE) solo, that on a Dong Sack where he beat a FULLBACK, Ahmard Hall, who was SOLO blocking him on the play.


��� - Did little against the Jags.�� He did manage to beat a backup RB (Brock Balen) for a Dong Sack, and then beat the pitiful OG, Guy Whimper, for another Dong Sack.Whimper, of course, got totally humiliated the very next week on national TV against the Ravens.


��� - At Arizona, beat OG Rex Hadnot and backup TE Jeff King for 2 more Dong Sacks.���


Gee, what a he-man.�� Big LaMarr slapped his dick for massive amounts of time during this �big month�, and then got some Dong Sacks by beating guards, backup TEs, and backup RBs.�� Gee, I�m so impressed.�� With such demonic, havoc-wreaking play, he should get player of the decade, not merely player of the month.


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 8 games:


Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks�: 8.0��

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0

Flailing Whiffs: 3

First downs allowed:11

TDs allowed:1



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