The WoodenDong Report� (Game #8, vs. New England)
In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you The WoodenDong Report.
In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.�
As longtime Stillers.com readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��
Here in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the outrageous fraud that he truly is.�
In the game against the Patriots, Big LaMarr had yet another �big game� -- entirely on paper, of course -- while doing very little while actually blocked.�� He managed to get on the stat sheet -- causing many writers and fans to proclaim �He�s back� --� but the grim reality was that it was mostly just another stad-padding endeavor by a mediocre player.��
Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 2 solos and 0 assist.� On paper, it looks liked Big LaMarr had a �monster game�, but it was loads of gooey slop in only 35 minutes of playing time.� At 5:44 3Q, Big LaMarr was jog-chasing the QB (Brady) on a reverse boot, and then collapsed to the ground as he is often wont to do.� I figured this was simply Manny being Manny, er, LaMarr being LaMarr, but it turned out he pulled a ham and did not return.��
�Here�s what Big LaMarr did:
���� - in the 2Q, on a 3d & 15, he stunted up the G/C hole, TOTALLY UNTOUCHED, and got a sack.�� Quick -- give this man a $61M extension!�� He got an untouched Dong Sack !��
���� - late in the 2Q, on 1st & 10 at 0:51, Big LaMarr beat� Sebastian Vollmer, an OT who started one game this season, in week 2, and has sat out ever since with a balky back.�� LaMarr gave Vollmer an initial bull-shove, and Vollmer responded like Jon Scott -- collapsing backwards, and then doing nothing.� This play full appeared to be like the Dwight Freeney sack vs. Scott earlier this season, in which the play was designed to be a quick pass but the QB held onto the ball far too long.�� As weak and cheesy as this sack was, The Committee decided to give Big LaMarr an earned sack, even though it obviously bordered on the cusp of a Dong Sack.��
���� This was it in terms of ANY production or impact from Big LaMarr.��� On the poor side, Big LaMarr was sealed in badly on the 1st play of the 3Q, on a wide sweep to his side.�� This was an utterly poor job of setting the edge, something that MUST be done by an OLB in a 3-4 defense.��
As you can see, when you peel back the reality of what actually occurred on the gridiron, you can clearly see that it wasn�t quite the dominant effort that the Pittsburgh media and the stats sheet purports.�� He had a Dong sack, and a cheesy earned sack against a rusty RT making his 1st start in over a month due to a balky back.�� He did nothing else.�� Nothing.�
Big hits?� NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� Very, very little, aside from unblocked plays and a shit block by a rusty O-tackle who hadn�t played in over a month.��� Harassment ?�� Very, very little.�� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� Very little.�
Of course, the NFL itself is enamored with cheezy stats as well.� Big LaMarr was just named the �AFC Defensive Player of the Month� for Oct.��� Never mind, of course, what really occurred in October --
�� - began the month with a bar-laden effort versus Houston in which he STOOD AROUND the entire game, to include the GAME WINNING 42-yard touchdown on a play where he was totally unblocked yet whiffed miserably like a complete faggott.
��� - Did nothing versus the Titans, and finished with 1 (ONE) solo, that on a Dong Sack where he beat a FULLBACK, Ahmard Hall, who was SOLO blocking him on the play.�
��� - Did little against the Jags.�� He did manage to beat a backup RB (Brock Balen) for a Dong Sack, and then beat the pitiful OG, Guy Whimper, for another Dong Sack.� Whimper, of course, got totally humiliated the very next week on national TV against the Ravens.
��� - At Arizona, beat OG Rex Hadnot and backup TE Jeff King for 2 more Dong Sacks.���
Gee, what a he-man.�� Big LaMarr slapped his dick for massive amounts of time during this �big month�, and then got some Dong Sacks by beating guards, backup TEs, and backup RBs.�� Gee, I�m so impressed.�� With such demonic, havoc-wreaking play, he should get player of the decade, not merely player of the month.
Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.� Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.�
Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 8 games:
Earned Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�: 8.0��
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing Whiffs: 3
First downs allowed:� 11
TDs allowed:� 1