The GilDong Report (Game #11, @ Clev)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason
Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable
time the past 4 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason
Gildon.� (Click here to read the 2002 season-in-review
GilDong Report)� Big Jason
has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are
incorporating this into their point systems.)�
Again in '03, we'll take time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for
the fraud that he truly is.
Jason GilDong, known around the league as The Paper
Tiger for his ability to rack up paper stats, had yet another weakassed
game in which he hit nobody, did nothing, and stole oxygen from players who
could have used it.� Jason The Gimcrack
was credited with 2 solos and no assists, but as we'll see in living color,
Jason was credited for one� tackle that
he had nothing to do with, and was given full credit for the other when, at
best, he deserved an assist.����
�
{Speaking of stats, last year we
expanded our "Dong stats" and will do so for the 2003 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of the Flop
& Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness that this
stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop & Flail, in which
Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well as the numerous
varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against ballcarriers that are
otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually knows something about
technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.� 1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at
a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the
ball into scoring range.� Personally
allowing a first down is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to
remain on the field and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line in football is
the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are
required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a recap of
Big Jason's game versus Clev:
1. 3-1 PIT 43�
11:43 1Q.� On a 3rd & short
play, Holcomb goes to hand off the Jackson on a routine gut plunge, while Jason
is being SOLO blocked by TE Darnell Sanders�
���� 
�Jason, a man who loves grappling and
groping with other men's breasts, starts his oft-performed tittyjousting that
he's so fond of doing�.
���� 
�Jason hits the holes, and Jason
is STILL grabbing and groping at Sanders' breasts�.
�.and unbelievably, as Jackson is
FIVE yards past the line of scrimmage (LOS), Jason is STILL grappling, groping,
and pawing at the TE's breasts.� He's
not shielded, and is not being prevented from sliding over to make a play�.he's
simply too spellbound and too preoccupied with his tittybumping to do anything
else.�
2.� 1-10 CLE 39� 5:45 1Q.� At the snap, Jason (red line) is SOLO
blocked by the TE, while Jackson (blue circle) runs the plunge up RT�.
��� 
�Jason, of course, is easily
shielded out�.
��� 
�Jackson (blue line, right-hand
photo, below) pops thru a small crack, while Jason, as usual, is doing
NOTHING�.
��� 
�at the end of the play, Jason
(red line) is a good 4 yards BEHIND Jackson (blue line), and as we've seen
during the progression of this play, Jason did absolutely NOTHING to slow down,
tackle, trip up, or even spit on, James Jackson.� Jason was tittyfighting -- and nothing more -- a good 4 yards
from where the stop was made.�
Yet unbelievably, The Princess of
CHEEZE, Jason GilDong, was credited with a tackle on this play�and not just an
assist, but a SOLO.
3.� 2 plays
later, 3-1 CLE 48� 4:29 1Q.� On a 3rd & 1, Holcomb faded back to pass
on a quick 5-step drop�.�
���
�allow me to reiterate�It's 3rd
& 1.� Holcomb is looking for the
quick out or, more likely, the quick slant or quick curl.� What does Jason, the esteemed "veteran
pro bowler and team captain" do?�
He LOOP RUSHES like a complete ass, against 1 of the slowest QBs in� NFL, no less�.
��� 
�Holcomb has an EASY passing lane
-- about 29 feet wide -- to pass through on the quick slant.� Luckily, he threw incomplete, no thanks to
the stupidassed WLR of one Jason GilDong.�
4.� 1-10
50 3:49 1Q. Jackson took the handoff and raced around right
end for an easy 6 yards. Where was the Queen of "outside
contain", Jason GilDong?� The Puss
in Boots got SEALED in -- airtight -- by a little WIDE RECEIVER.�
5.� On the very
next play, Jason was lined up as an ILB, right over the center, as the ball is
snapped and Jackson prepares to run the ball up RT�
���
�as usual, Jason is totally
untouched and unblocked, and being untouched in the MIDDLE of the field,
he should be READING this play as easy as a Harvard graduate would read Mother
Goose���
���
�instead, the duckfooted Jason
pussyfoots and stutters around, and finally gets his ass in gear as Jackson
hits daylight�
���
�You might expect this loud
mouthed, he-man, "big time pro bowl outside linebacker" to give a
decent chase after a career BACKUP running back, but not Big Jason
GilDong.� Jason had a good angle, but is
left in the dust like a Chevy Cavalier behind a BMW M5.�
��� 
Sure enough, of course, you'll
hear feeble balderdash about, "They ran away from Jason, so he couldn't
make any plays."� Here was a
classic example where Jason was lined up in the MIDDLE of the field, totally
unblocked and untouched, yet failed to come even remotely close to even
touching the ballcarrier.�
6. 2-10 PIT 16 0:05 1Q. At the snap,
Jason does his usual circuitous WLR (Wide Loop Rush), while Joey Porter has to
engage two blockers�
���
�after waiting an eternity,
Holcomb slide-scrambles backwards and to his left�.
���
�Joey Porter beats his man and has
a direct bead on Holcomb, while the loop rushing GilDong is much farther from
the QB�
���
�.right here, the first
defender to make contact with the QB is Joey Porter (blue circle), not Jason
GilDong (red line).� It's as obvious as
a cockroach on a billiard table.�
���
�After Porter makes the initial
hit, he and GilDong then both hit the QB, and the ball pops out�
��� 
�GilDong, never seeing anything
but the chance to grab glory and praise, wraps up the EMPTY handed QB, which is
what led to the erroneous conclusion by the NFL stats team to issue Jason a
sack and a forced fumble on this play.�
�����
�At the most generous of stats
giveaways, Jason should have gotten, at most, an assist on this play.� Clearly, Joey Porter arrived first to the
QB, so there's no way in hell that Porter can be denied the sack.� Furthermore, the evidence far more weighs on
the side of Porter in terms of issuing a solo sack as well as the forced
fumble.� Even Myron Cope, longtime
Stillers radio broadcaster, declared that Porter made the hit and FF when the
play happened. �But, it's just another
prime example of what the Paper Tiger does on paper that grossly
inflates what little he does on the field, where it really matters.�
7. 1-10 CLE 5 11:24 2Q. Jackson ran up
RG/RT for an easy 6 yards, while Jason stood, tittyjousted, and did
nothing.�
8.� 8.
3-9 CLE 18 5:43. Kimo sacked Holcomb. The GilDongites will
proclaim, "See, Jason was tying up 2 or 3 blockers, and that allowed Kimo
to slip through."� Actually, the
only thing Jason was tying was his shoe on the sidelines.� Jason, the big Bully of Bullrush, sat out
this play, and Haggans was in at OLB.�
9.� 1-10 CLE 23 14:55 3Q. Porter swam LT
Barry Stokes, causing a near-fumble by the QB. Jason has NEVER swam
a blocker like this�.ever.�
10.
On the very next play, Holcomb hit Jackson with a backward pass to the left,
which became a long handoff.� Meanwhile,
Jason, the $6M "team captain" and "pro bowler" is in
perfect position with a great angle to make a stop on Jackson, who was still
stumbling after making the catch�.
���
�instead,� the Concrete footed GilDong LUMBERED after
Jackson, and failed miserably.���
Meanwhile, Jackson danced down the field for a healthy 18
yards.�
��� 
Yep, for $6M per year, you get an outside
LB who has the speed, quickness, and acceleration of a tortoise.� But, hey, Jason's the greatest of all time,
if you listen to The GilDong Apologists Association�.so why believe otherwise?
11. 2 plays later, 1-20 CLE 31 13:56
3Q. The Browns run a screen play to their right�.�
���
�and Big Jason GilDong slips a
lil', and pusses out a lot, and then gets literally BURIED by the
pulling guard.��
��� 
Northcutt gains 11 yards on the
plays, while the "team leader" is getting his face jammed into the
mud of Cleveland Browns Stadium.� I
guess this is how Jason "leads by EXAMPLE".
12. 2-3 PIT 27 10:10 3Q. Jason gets
mauled by backup FB Keith Heinrich.�
Then Jason gave him this pathetic 1-handed little shove after the play.
A reall sissy move by GilDong after he'd just been mauled by a
benchwarmer.� And while Jason was
getting mauled, Jackson gained an easy 5 yards up the gut.�
13. 1-6 PIT 6 8:35 3Q. Jackson took
the handoff up LG, while Jason was left totally untouched and unblocked�.
��� 
�Jason raises his hand & arm (red
line, below) in preparation for his all time favorite tackling move, the 1
Armed Flail...��
��� 
�as is usual, Jason FLAILS and
WHIFFS, and ends up in his favorite position -- on all 4s and begging for more.
���
First & goal on the 6, and
Jason's pathetic little flail -- while being totally unblocked -- allows
Jackson to gain a nice chunk of 5 yards.�
14. On the very next play, Jackson took up handoff and
began to run up RG.� Meanwhile, the Big
Bully of Bullrush, Jason GilDong, was totally unblocked on the play, yet when
he starts to knife into the backfield, UNTOUCHED, he TURNS HIS BACK like the
complete puss that he is.�
���
�The Crabber then falls haplessly
to the ground�
��� 
�where he feebly tries to use his
feet -- like a crab -- to trip up Jackson.�
There's Jason (red line, right-hand picture) laying on his ass, as
useless as the proverbial tits on a bull.�
��� 
Sure enough, though, you'll hear
bovine scatology from the GAA about how invaluable Jason is as a player and a
leader.� It's on plays like this that you
really appreciate how invaluable The Gilded Dong really is.�
15. 1-6 PIT 6 3:21 3Q. Jackson ran
up RT, and lost 1 yard, thanks to the stellar play of Farrior. Jason half
turned his back to Sanders, and then was brutally mauled.�
16.� 16.
2 plays later, Farrior hurried Holcomb into throwing a hideous INT to Burnt
Alexander.� Sure enough, you'll hear
cries of, "Jason helped out by TYING up blockers so that Farrior could get
in there."� Actually, Jason was
back in coverage -- not doing much of anything -- but he had absolutely nothing
to do with Farrior's ability to attack the QB.�
17. 1-10 PIT 28 13:39 4Q
Jackson took a handoff up the gut��
���
�Jason (top of photo, red line)
does his 1-armed flail, and feebly whiffs�.and then heads to his favorite
position -- while getting buried by the RT -- down on all 4s like a sincere
friend of Michael Jackson.����
��� 
To summarize:� Jason was credited with a paltry 2 solos the
entire game.� One was unequivocally proven
to show that Jason wasn't anywhere near the ballcarrier, and had nothing to do
with the actual tackle.� On the other,
it was clearly shown that Joey Porter got to the QB first, and as such,
Porter deserved at least an assist, if not a solo.� The Crabber allowed three 1st-downs during the
game, and spent more time on his back than a Las Vegas whore.� Hurries created when he beat a blocker?� None.�
Hits on the QB after beating a blocker?�
None.� Forced turnovers?� None, or at best, a half.� Hard hits?�
None.� Meaningful impact on the
game?� None.���
Sure enough, we'll hear more
babble from Ron Cook, Dale Lolleygag, Jim Waxall, and The GilDongites,
"�but�but Jason was back in coverage practically the whole
game."� No, he was not. Counting
plays with flags and plays in which the QB ran, Jason dropped in coverage only
9 times, while rushing the QB 38
times.���
"But Jason is being ganged
upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� But sure
enough, we'll hear experts like Ron Cook, who will tell you how badly Jason is
being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every
play.� It's balderdash.� As shown repeatedly above, the Brownies
ignored Jason on most plays and treated him with as much fear as if they were
facing Justin Kurpeikis.�
Of course, imbeciles like Ron Cook
and Dale Lolleygag, the executive vice presidents of the GilDong
Apologists Association, will continue to fawn and gush all over Jason
GilDong.� Jason may be in the Steeler
record book for sacks, but he's also in the same book for being the biggest
puss in boots to ever wear a Stiller uniform.
It's high time the Pittsburgh media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The Gimcrack for what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little energy, does nothing, and is actually inferior to 4th-year LB Clark Haggans.�
It's partially absurd that this
much analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still
scores of fans out there who think this phony is actually worth a rat's
ass.� He's not, and we'll continue to
expose him, week in and week out, this season.�
If anyone doubts the validity of
The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and compare
what you observe to what the report covers.�
Don't have the game on tape?�
Then make it a point to isolate on Big Jason, and only Big Jason, on perhaps
40% (or more) of the plays next week.�
Soon enough, you'll join the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter
truly is.�
Season to date totals for Jason, in 11 games:
Earned
Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�:� 5�
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1/2
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 9 (plus SL and Sea. game, TBD)
First downs allowed: 18 (plus SL and Sea. game, TBD)� �
TDs allowed:� 4 (plus Sea. game, TBD)
(Click
here to read the 2002 season-in-review GilDong Report�)
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only
nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately
predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)