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The GilDong Report (Game 15, @ Cinci)

January 03, 2002 by Still Mill

The GilDong Report (Game #15, @ Cinci)

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's 11 sacks in '98 --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I've devoted considerable time the past 2 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Gildon, as you may recall, hoodwinked enough voters in '00 to be voted in to a reserve spot in the Pro Bowl, and repeated that feat in �01. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '01, I'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he truly is.

According to Coach Jack McCurry in the Post Gazette postgame grades, �Jason Gildon continues to play like a Pro Bowl linebacker as he made plays all over the field�. On paper, it may have appeared that way, as The Dong had 5 solos, to include 2 sacks. In reality, The Paper Tiger had yet another weak, no-hit game in which he never once defended a running play the entire game, and played pitter-patter throughout most of the contest.

In-sequence during the game, here are the plays that Big Jason was involved in:

- On Cinci�s 2nd play of the game, Kitna hit Scott on a 0-step hitch. Gildon came over and made the cake-easy solo.

 

- On a 2nd & 10 from the Pit 15, at 10:38 of the 1Q, Dillon ran a toss sweep to his right. Gildon, as can be plainly seen in the photos below, gets sealed in as tight as a ziplock bag, by that all-world blocker, Jamain Stephens.

 

 

- On a 1st and goal at the 1, later in the same drive, Kitna rolled to his right after a play-fake. Gildon, as is the norm for all opponents, was left totally untouched and unblocked off the snap. RG Mike Goff pulls to lead the play, but as can be seen in the photos, Goff foolishly drifts and wanders too far toward the sideline and thus too far from his QB. The result is GilDong being able to come upfield -- totally untouched -- for the easy Dong Sack.

 

 

Here is the back angle of this play, which clearly shows Goff's poor drifting (see blue arrow, photo 3), and Jason coming upfield totally untouched for the easy Dong Sack.

 

 

- On a 1st & 10 on the Cinci 36, at 5:56 of the 1Q, Dillon ran a basic dive up RT. As can be seen as plain as day in the photos below, Big Jason gets mauled and manhandled by Fat Jamain Stephens. The way Stephens just caves in The Dong is absolutely hilarious, and the result is a nice 4-yard gainer by Dillon, who was stopped by Holmes.

 

 

 

- On 2nd & 9 from the Pit 24, at 12:37 of the 2Q, Gildon dropped into zone coverage. While Jason flails and misses defending the pass in photo 1, Darnay Scott makes the grab. Jason ends up in a position all too familiar to him -- on all fours like a downtrodden pumperboy.

 

 

As can be seen from the replay angle, Jason blindly reaches his arm up, and manages to get a paw on Scott, while Brent Alexander clearly makes the bulk of this stop. But unbelievably, Jason gets credit for the full solo, while Alexander -- who clearly did the lion's share of this tackle -- didn't even get an assist.

 

 

At any rate, Jason gets credit for one of the luckiest, half-baked tackle attempts the NFL has seen in recent memory. While I appreciate Jason's creativity and innovation in such a weirdo tackling technique, I'd much prefer he use more traditional, textbook style tackling technique, and leave his predilection for bizarre, on-his-hands-and-knees social activities to his bedroom, not the gridiron.

- On 1st & 10 from the Cin 44 at 11:44 of the 3Q, Dillon ran up RT. Gildon, as can be seen in the 3 photos below, gets bullied, and then pancaked onto his ass, while Dillon gains 3 yards.

 

 

- At 2:56 of the 3Q, Kendrell Bell and Joey Porter (blue arrows) crash into Kitna, forcing a pass to plop out of Kitna's hand like a wounded duck. Big Jason, who was back in zone and not covering anybody, ends up getting your classic Dong Interception.

 

 

- On 1st & 19 from the Cinci 34, on the last play of the 3Q, FB L. Neal ran a short out. Gildon was assigned to cover him, but cloddhopped after Neal and was unable to defend him. Kitna hit the open Neal, and Big Jason got the cake-easy solo tackle.

 

It is amusing, of course, to see a Joey Porter cover the likes of Peter Warrick, while the supposedly quick Jason GilDong lumbers after a pudgy blocking back like Neal.

- On a 1st & 10 on the Pit 46, at 9:24 of the 4Q, Kitna took a short drop, while Big Jason was left unblocked and untouched at the line of scrimmage. Kitna is clearly staring at his right flats, but the myopic Gildong pays no attention to that, and instead take a dumbshit, no-brained angle waaay toward the inside.

 

As can be seen by the blue line in the photo below, this is Kitna's line of sight and line of throwing -- a line that Jason could have easily been in-place to disrupt. Instead, the Gilded Dong does this imbecilic submarine -- which we've seen several times this season on identical pass plays -- and does nothing to disrupt or harass the QB.

 

On a 4th & 6 at the Pit 42, at 8:44 of the 4Q, Kitna faded back to pass. Jason began the WLR (Wide Loop Rush), but for once put on the brakes and then veered to the inside of the surprised tackle, Willie Anderson. Kitna had a good 3 seconds in the pocket, but found no one, and decided to eat the ball. (What dumbass QB eats a ball on 4th down, behind in the score that late in the game??) Gildon reaches over, and as can be plainly seen below, foolishly grabs Kitna by the face mask in what should have been a 5-yard facemask penalty.

 

But a ref crew that blundered all day on calls pertaining to both teams, somehow failed to miss this obvious flag. Because of the outlandish blatancy of the facemask foul, this sack is ruled a Dong Sack, because, given any ref crew that had at least a thimble-sized brain, this sack would have been removed from the books and instead a 5-yard penalty would have been assessed against the Stillers.

- On the late 4th & goal play that Chad Scott was flagged for holding, Jason did a hilariously asinine WLR. Just look at the 4 photos below, and look at the absurd loop Jason does, putting himself in a position to do absolutely nothing against neither the run nor the pass. Perhaps this was what McCurry meant when he said "Gildon was all over the field."

 

 

- Finally, in one of the sorriest bits of linebacking this proud franchise has ever seen, backup RB B. Bennett took a basic handoff up RT on 2 &1 in OT. Jason, as can be clearly seen, is left totally untouched and unblocked off the snap of the ball.

 

But instead of reading the play, and then clogging the hole or putting himself in a position to hit the backup ballcarrier, Jason does his infamous pitter-patter, meekly standing pat like the pussy that he is.

The result is Jason left with no choice but to resort to his favorite ploy -- the Flop-and-Flail. Jason flops at Bennett, and then flails, whiffing miserably. While Bennett is en route for a key 36-yard gain, Jason feebly lies with his dick in the dirt.

 

The replay angle below shows the pitiful meekness -- more befitting a librarian than an NFL linebacker -- by The Paper Tiger on this play. It's absolutely sickening to watch a veteran linebacker pitter-patter and pussyfoot on a play in which he should have read, reacted, and HIT.

 

 

Yes, Jason GilDong -- "he made plays all over the field". Here's the breakdown of the "all over the field" effort by Big Jason:

1st solo - cake stop of a WR on a 0-step hitch

2nd solo - Dong Sack on a QB rollout, in which GilDong was left unblocked and untouched

3rd solo - GilDong missed defending a curl pass, and while kneeling on all fours, blindly reached up and got a paw on the WR, while Brent Alexander made the lion's share of the stop. At most, should have been labled an assist, not a solo.

4th solo - cake stop on short out pass to blocking back Lorenzo Neal, whom GilDong was unable to cover coming off the LOS.

5th solo - Dong Sack on QB, in which Jason clearly had his entire hand all over the QBs facemask, but no penalty was called by the NFL's worst referee crew. Shouldn't have even gotten into the books as a sack, due to the masking foul.

Yes, indeed, that's some linebacking. Not only did Jason fail to provide any defense on a single running play, but time and time and time again, Jason was mauled, manhandled, and bullied in the running game, including a few times by backup fatass Jamain Stephens. In crunch-time during overtime, Jason pitter-pattered, and then flailed weakly and missed badly, allowing a backup RB to scamper 36 yards to key the drive for the game-winning FG. It's a clear-cut, sorry indictment of what a farce the Pro Bowl is, when the 5th best LB on the team -- and the guy who finished 8th on his team in tackles -- gets voted to the Pro Bowl.

No less than Jack Lambert said so eloquently, "I've seen guys come in with physical ability, big guys, strong guys, fast guys, and they didn't make it. Maybe they couldn't handle it mentally or they didn't have heart. Give me 22 guys with a lot of heart and I'll win. I'll take 22 guys with heart over 22 guys with ability any day of the week." And so it will be as the Stillers enter the playoffs, because not only will opponents have more heart than Tin Man GilDong, but the opponent will have more skills than the likes of Mike Goff, Jamain Stephens, and Brendon Bennett. Just as the Broncos mercilessly exploited both GilDong and Dontgay Jones in the Jan. '98 AFC Champ. game loss, so, too, will our upcoming playoff opponent(s) target the weak spot of the Stiller front 7 -- Jason GilDong. Give me real players with heart -- the Hines Wards, the Dan Kreiders, the Aaron Smiths, the Earl Holmes -- and I'll beat a team of "Pro Bowl", gutless GilDongs 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
 

Season to date totals for Jason, in 15 games:

Earned Sacks: 3
Dong Sacks™: 9
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 2

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