The GilDong Report (Game #8, @ Clev.)
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper
statistics the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3
seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated
a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong.
(Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point
systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take time
to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
Once
again, the supposed defensive captain, Jason GilDong, had another pedestrian
game in which he did extremely little and had zero positive impact on the
outcome of this critical divisional game.�
Jason, supposedly the team leader on defense, finished the game with
ZERO solos and a credited with a whopping 1 assist.� Yep, that's correct -- zero solos and 1
assist.�
{Speaking
of stats, we've expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing
whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of
the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness
that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop
& Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well
as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against
ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who
actually knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st
downs allowed.� 1st downs are the
piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win
field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that
allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to
stay out longer.
- TDs
allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line
in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about
12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's
a recap of Big Jason's game versus Clev:
- On a 2d & 3 at 5:00
of the 1Q, Couch completed a short, routine curl to KJ.� Flowers made the initial swipe at KJ's legs,
and as KJ was stumbling to the turf, Jason was there to essentially
"catch" him.� Along with
Flowers, Iwuoma was credited for the assist, which was obviously the case of
the scorer transposing the "92" into a "29".� Jason should have gotten credit for this
cake-easy assist.
- On the very next play,
White ran the ball toward RT.� Jason was
solo blocked -- not triple teamed as Ron Cook would have you believe -- by
H-back Aaron Shea, who proceeded to kick Gildon out on a kickout block like the
angry girlfriend kicking out her deadbeat boyfriend.� At the end of this unmerciful bullying, Jason had enough abuse,
and in a fit of hilarity, simply flopped down onto all fours in total
despair.� White was stopped for no gain,
no thanks to the craven play of Jason GilDong.
- Early in the 2Q, just
after the long bomb to Morgan, Clev. handed the ball to White up LG/LT from the
12-yard line.� Jason was left alone at
the snap, and then stuttered to his right.�
He then was "picked up" on a block be TE Mark Campbell, who'd
lined up on the left side and was crossing into the middle to look for someone to
block. The two players met at the 9-yard line.�
By the time Campbell was finished mauling Big Jason, the brawling LB had
been shoved all the way back to the 3-yard line.� At this point, Flowers had made nearly all of the stop of White
just beside where Jason was, and the bruising "pro bowl" LB merely jumped
onto the stack for a cheesy assist.�
�- A few plays later, on 4th & goal at the 1, Jason was lined
up over the TE, Campbell.� Jason, as is
his penchant, got the puniest jam in NFL history on Campbell, who then easily
released into his pattern. At this juncture, Jason was blocked by no one, and
yet did nothing to hamper this play.� No
heat, no harassment, and no reading of the play in order to get into a passing
lane.� Couch to Campbell, totally
unfettered, for the TD.
- On a 1st & 10 at 9:48
3Q, Green ran the ball wide to his right.�
Big Jason -- remember, he's a vaunted "pro bowler" who is
being ganged upon by a gaggle of blockers on every play -- was solo blocked by
Shea, and sealed in as easy as sealing a Tupperware container.� We've heard cry upon cry from the GilDong
Apologists about "Jason has containment", yet here's a play where he
should have contained and there he is, sealed off as easy as pie and nowhere
close to stopping the ballcarrier.�
- On a 1st & 10 at 5:16
3Q, the LG (Stokes) pulls to his right, and then literally buries Big Jason
like a corpse.� We continue to read
stories about how big The Big Man is, but every time you watch Big
Man Gildon, he plays as small and frail as a pencil-necked geek.�
- On 1st & 10 at the
Clev. 31, at 11:48 4Q, Jason finally did something.� Not much, but something.�
The Stillers blitzed a DB up between Jason and Smith.� Couch had some time, but the DB crashed in
and, along with A. Smith, caused a mini-flush of Couch, who then shuffled
forward toward his RG/RT.� Jason was solo
blocked, and was doing his usual WLR (Wide Loop Rush).� Upon seeing Couch shuffle, Jason cut off his
WLR, and then cut "under" the tackle.� Just after Couch released the pass, Jason got a nip of a hit on
Couch.� This was hardly a "pro bowl
caliber" play, but it was refreshing to see Jason have the rare sense to
read the QB and forsake his beloved WLR for at least one play.�
- On a critical 3d & 3
at 4:45 4Q, Couch faded back to pass. Jason was once again SOLO blocked
by the RT -- no "chip block" or "double team" by ANYONE
else, nor was there a gauntlet of knife-wielding henchmen forming a barrier in
front of Big Jason.� Couch faced some
pressure from the other side of the line -- remember, all of the other Steeler
players get a FREE pass into the backfield because so many blockers are warding
off Big Jason -- and began to shuffle/scramble.� Jason was right nearby for the easy stop of the bootfooted Couch,
but true to his nature, Jason The Gimcrack flopped and flailed, whiffing
miserably.� While Couch ran for 3 yards
and the critical 1st down, Jason GilDong lay prone on the turf with his dick in
the dirt.� Having gotten the badly
needed 1st down, the Browns went for it all the next play, and Morgan hauled in
the deep pass for the TD.�
That's it, folks.� ZERO solos, 2 cheezy assists, 1 semi-pressure, no sacks, no
passes defensed, no hard hits, no harassment of the QB, no forced
turnovers.� Some will be quick to point
out that Ken Bell had no solos, but there were enormous differences between
these 2 players. For one, Bell left the field on numerous plays in which the
defense used a dime defense.� Gildon
never once left the field.� Two, KenBell
devastated the living piss out of the LG on the long pass to Morgan -- a true
highlight film "pancake" that shows Bell's awesome lethality,
intensity, and power.�� Gildon,
meanwhile, didn't handle a single opposing player any rougher than one would
handle a newborn infant in the NICU.�
Thirdly, Bell forced an INT with good coverage and a good read-and-react,
and his partial bat allowed Brent to corral the ball for a key INT.� GilDong forced no turnovers and no
nothing�except laughter from Steeler fans and players on the opposing sideline.
Sure enough, we'll hear
more babble from Ron Cook and The GilDongites, "�but�but Jason was back in
coverage practically the whole game."�
No, he was not. Counting plays with flags and plays in which the QB ran,
Jason dropped in coverage 5 (FIVE) times, while rushing the QB 26
times.� That's right -- Jason rushed the
QB FIVE TIMES MORE than he dropped into coverage, but sure enough, we'll hear
bullshit babble about how Jason can't do dick a because he's always back in
coverage.�
"But Jason is being
ganged upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� But only ONCE
was Jason truly double-teamed on the pass rush.� This happened on a 3d & 11 at the Clev. 9, at 1:30 2Q, when
Jason was lined up as the RIGHT OLB, not the left.� Yes, indeed�the ONLY time Jason was truly double-teamed was when
he lined up over on the RIGHT side of the Stiller defense...a spot where the
team's best OLB, Joey Porter, usually lines up.� In other words, the one and only time Jason
was double teamed, was when he lined up in Joey Porter's spot, and the offense
was expecting to double team the Steelers' best OLB, Joey Porter.� But ignore all of these FACTS, and just
listen to Ron Cook, who will tell you how badly Jason is being picked on with a
phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every play.�
It's high time the
Pittsburgh media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The
Gimcrack for what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little
energy, does nothing, and is clearly inferior to 3rd-year LB Clark
Haggans.�
If anyone doubts the
validity of The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape,
and compare what you observe to what the report covers.� Don't have the game on tape?� Then make it a point to isolate on Big
Jason, and only Big Jason, on perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.� Soon enough, you'll join the legions of
Steeler fans who have finally seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The
Princess of Cheeze, Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud
this imposter truly is.�
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 8 games:
Earned Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�: 1
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing Whiffs: 12
First downs allowed:� 19
TDs allowed:� 3
