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The WoodenDong Report (Game #6, vs. Jax)

October 19, 2011 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report(Game #6, vs. Jax)


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you The WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��



Here in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the outrageous fraud that he truly is.

In the game against the lowly 1-4 Jags, Big LaMarr had yet another lukewarm effort. He managed to get on/the stat sheet -- causing many writers and fans to proclaim �He�s back� --but the grim, sad reality was that it was just another mediocre game by a mediocre player.��


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 4 solos and 4 assists.In reality, the stats were Dong stops, and his impact was minimal.Here�s what Big LaMarr did:


1st series, Drew up LG/LT.�� LaMarr mosied down the LOS, barely nudge-blocked, and got a slop assist,�� On a difficulty scale from 1-10, this was a 1.��

A short while later, Big LaMarr was solo blocked by a TE on a run up LG.�� LaMarr jousted with the TE down the LOS, and lightly chipped in a slop assist FIVE yards down the field on a 5-yard gain.��


�� On the next play, LaMarr was SOLO blocked by a backup RB, Brock Balen.�� To make matter easier, Balen was lined up as a wingback on the LEFT side of the Jax formation, and at the snap, was tasked to come all the way to his right to block an untouched Woodley.��� Big LaMarr beat this block and got a Dong Sack.���


��� At 4:09 1Q, Big LaMarr got totally caved in and buried by the TE, while Drew ran by for an easy 4-yard gain.


��� In the 2Q, Big LaMarr was flagged for a dumbassed neutral zone infraction on a 3d & 4, giving the Jags a freebie 1st down.��


��� At 12:53 2Q, Big LaMarr had pressure on the QB !��� Of course, what ya won�t read is that he was totally unblocked on the play.��


��� On a 3d & 6 at 9:02 2Q, Big LaMarr was solo blocked by RT Guy Whimper, who until this season, had started all of one game in 4 (four) NFL seasons.�� The rookie QB, Gabbert, had all day, and finally took a coverage sack by LaMarr, which of course goes into the books as a Dong Sack.


���� In the 3Q, Drew ran a stretch play to the left, and plowed against some penetration from the left side of the Steeler D.�� Woodley mosied over and got a weak-assed slop assist on little more than a stack jump.��


��� In the 4Q, Drew ran wide left and bounced of Keisel.�� Drew then cut it back, and Big LaMarr got yet another slop assist.


��� On the next play, Drew ran up RG.�� Big LaMarr was totally unblocked and untouched, and got a slop assist after a hefty 5-yard gain.��


��� On the next play, backup RB Deji Karim ran up RG, but the hole was totally stuffed by the NT and DE.�� As the RB stuttered against a wall, Big LaMarr just reached in and grabbed at the stationary RBm and got a solo slop stop.



Big LaMarr was also involved in a large bit of foolishness in the 3Q of a close ballgame.Big LaMarr, the big tough-guy that he is, got into a scuffle with FB Greg Jones.The scuffle grew heated and turned into some fierce jostling.�� All of the sudden, one man slammed the other onto the ground, onto his back.��� Poor, wait, no, Poor LaMarr, who got his ass thrown onto the turf by a running back who gave up 2 inches and well over 20 pounds.What a weak-assed puddpuller.��� It�s bad enough Woodley got goaded into a scuffle that could have resulted not only in a costly penalty (luckily there were offsetting flags), but also a possible ejection.�� But then, to make matters worse, he gets his fat ass kicked by a no-name RB.It goes to show you how little strength, leverage, and athleticism The Big He-man actually has.


Big hits?NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� Very, very little.��� Harassment ?�� Very, very little.�� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� Very, very little.The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.His �big plays� came when he was totally unblocked, or SOLO blocked by a wingback from the opposite side of the formation.


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 6 games:


Earned Sacks: 0

Dong Sacks�: 5.0��

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0

Flailing Whiffs: 3

First downs allowed:9

TDs allowed:1



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