The GilDong Report (Game #2, vs. Oakland)
In light
of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper statistics
the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3 seasons to
monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their
point systems.) Again in '02, I'll take time to expose The Flopper, Jason
Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
Jason
actually finished the game with a meager 1 solo and 4 assists, not the 2 solos
& 3 assists as advertised in the ESPN and NFL.com stat sheets.�� This info is readily available on the NFL.com
play-by-play, which clearly annotates which player is credited for the solo
&/or assist on each play.�� Of
course, this should come as no surprise to faithful readers of The GilDong
Report, as Jason has perennially managed to get credit on stat summaries for
stats that he never earned in the first place.
Speaking of stats, we've
expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of the Flop
& Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness that this
stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop & Flail, in which
Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well as the numerous varieties
of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against ballcarriers that are otherwise
dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually knows something about
technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.� 1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at
a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the
ball into scoring range.� Personally
allowing a first down is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to
remain on the field and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line in football is
the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are
required to even come close to atoning for it.�
Like the Oakland game in
'99 (see http://www.stillers.com/article_show.asp?ID=85
), Jason GilDong had the opportunity to show his stuff against a top-flight
team on national TV.� Instead, Jason
GilDong stood around and did absolutely nothing, in a horrendous display
of linebacking that surely ranks among the top 5 worst games in a franchise
filled with a history of proud linebacking.��
Supposedly the defensive captain, Jason GilDong looked more like Captain
Morgan, stumbling around in a completely disinterested stupor and doing nothing
of value or productivity the entire game.��
And it's not like Jason didn't have the chance; after all, the Raiders
offense ran an unheard of 82 plays.�
In chrono order, here's a
recap of Big Jason's game versus Oak:
- On Oak's 2nd play of the
game, Rice caught a short pass.�� Jason,
playing in a short zone, had a cake-easy assist with Foote.�� Rice, seeing 2 defenders, actually slid to
the ground before he was hit.��
- On a 1st & 10 on the
Oak. 41, at 14:01 of the 2Q, Kirby caught a short curl.� Gildon and Foote again combined on what was
a basic, routine stop.�
- Two plays later, Brown
snagged a pass on 3rd & 3.�� Gildon
and Flowers combined on another routine, simple stop.�
- On a 1st & 10 on the
Oak. 20, at 9:50 of the 2Q, Gannon hit Jerry Porter on a little out-curl.�� Joey Porter was in chase-mode and hauled
down the WR, with Jason getting a cheesy assist after basically tapping Jerry
Porter as he was inches from the ground.
- On one of the biggest
plays of the game, the Raiders faced a 3rd & 15 from their own 5-yard line,
at 6:11 of the 2Q.� A stop here forces
Oakland to punt from the shadow of their own goal post, and the Stillers --
down 10-7 -- are looking at golden field position for the go-ahead score.� Oakland calls for a shovel pass to Kirby,
going up RG/RT.�� As is common around
the NFL, the Raiders actually chose to NOT BLOCK Jason GilDong on this
play.� That's right: Big Jason -- the
supposedly studly, all-world "pro bowler", was left totally untouched
and unblocked on this play.� Jason,
whose reading ability for a 9-year NFL veteran is roughly equivalent to that of
my 6-year old daughter, took his usual initial steps of his ever-favorite Wide
Loop Rush (WLR).� The Flopper had Kirby
dead to rights for a stop of no gain, but instead flopped and flailed,
resulting in Kirby gaining 24-yards while Jason lay on the ground humping the
Hienz Field turf like an overheated platypus.�
This was a crushing play, because Oakland cashed in on this first down
and marched the rest of the way for a critical TD.�
- On 2d & 10 at 1:56 of
the 2Q, Oak. tried the HB option pass to Big Jason's side.� Jason was solo-blocked by TE R. Williams,
and instead of slashing in and harassing the passer (FB J. Ritchie), Jason
playfully played pattycakes with Williams, thus allowing Ritchie ample time and
room to heave a pass.� This was soft,
pussy linebacking at its worst.��
That's it for the first
half.�� 4 cake-easy assists, and a whole
lot of standing around.�
- In the 3Q, on a 2d &
2 at the Oak. 40 at 12:17, Gannon hit Brown a couple yards behind the LOS on a
designed quick flip.� Jason, who was
lined up wide of the interior formation, was in position to come up and make
a play -- something that should be fairly routine for a supposed "pro
bowl" LB.� And only one man was
assigned to block Big Jason -- Terry Kirby, who gives up 30 pounds to the
Gilded Dong.� So, you have GilDong with
a chance to blast the piss out of Kirby -- hardly known around the NFL for his
blocking -- or simply slash right by Kirby and drop Brown for no gain.�� Instead, Jason backpedals so vigorously
that Jack LaLane would have been proud.��
That's right, as Kirby jogged a couple yards upfield to block Jason, you
can see Big Jason backpedaling in full retreat like you'd expect from a
diminutive defensive back.� Brown gained
6 yards and got an easy first down, and all the while Jason GilDong backpedaled
and then meekly stood by and watched.��
With cowardly retreating like this, who needs the French?�
- On a 3rd & 10 from
the Pit 27, at 9:36 of the 3Q, one of the most hilarious plays of the evening
occurred.� Jason was doing his usual
tittyfighting with the RT, and was getting no push or rush whatsoever.�� Next to Jason was Aaron Smith, who was
battling ferociously like he typically does.�
Smith then wanted to veer to his left, but the tittyfighting GilDong was
in his way.� What did Smitty do?�� Why, he did what any annoyed teammate would
do -- he gave The Dong a simple 2-handed "get the hell out of my way"
shove, which sent the big, tough GilDong sprawling to the turf as though he'd
been hit with a harpoon shot out of a cannon.��
This was so hilarious, that it's a must-see for any diehard Steeler
fan.��
- On a 1st & 10 from
the Oak. 40, at 7:19 3Q, the Raiders again ran the quick flip to Brown behind
the LOS.� Remember, Jason had just seen
this play earlier in the quarter.��
You'd expect a "pro bowl" LB to smell the play, and then, as
the defensive captain, take the bull by the horns and seize the
initiative.� That's what you'd expect,
but what you got was this:� Big Jason
didn't smell the play; rather, he smelt on the play.�� He softly and meekly danced with Kirby while Brown easily
sauntered for 7 yards.� About now, there
will be sobbing and caterwauling about "<sniff> Jason had to
contain" and "Jason had to observe his assignment", and other
brainless drivel.�� How about,
"Jason needs to knife by a blocker and stick the man with the fucking
football", the way you see LBs ALL OVER the NFL do it every Sunday of
every season since time in memorial.� The
Stillers have run loads of screens the past several seasons, and we've seen
many of them blown up due to the lightning-quick initiative of opposing
LBs.� Young, inexperienced backup
players should be tityfighting with a RB not known for his blocking prowess
that they outweigh by THIRTY pounds.�
Seasoned, experienced, supposed pro bowlers should be busting hump and
nailing the guy with the football on plays like this.� Gildon's craven play on these two flip-passes to his side was
nothing short of pussy football, plain and simple.�� Pussy football.�
- On a crucial 3d & 8
on the Oak. 42, at 6:09 of the 3Q, Oakland again went with the shovel pass to
Kirby up RG/RT.�� Again, Jason was
left alone, untouched, and unblocked.��
And again, you'd expect that just maybe a supposed "pro bowl"
veteran of 9 seasons might anticipate and read.�� As is his nature, Jason did neither, but because he was
untouched, he was once again in perfect position to snag the RB (this time,
Garner) for no gain.� But once again,
Jason flopped and flailed, whiffing miserably.�� To his credit, Jason got up and followed the play, and had another
clean shot at Garner from behind at the Pit 46-yard line, but once again
flopped and flailed in pathetic fashion.� Not one, but two Flops & Flails on one play!�� A two-fer, Dong style!�� A Double-Donger!� This 34-yard play was triply hilarious, because ESPN showed it
twice on replay from 2 different angles.��
Watching The Flopper do what he does best -- flopping, and then flailing
-- was the highlight of hilarity in what was otherwise a grim evening of
Stiller football.� With such sterling
plays like this, I'm sure Dan Rooney has to be ecstatic for pissing away all
that money on The Paper Tiger.�
- On a 2d & 3 at the
Pit 7, at 3:04 3Q, Kirby ran the ball up the gut.� Jason, blocked only by Williams, was pancaked onto the ground.
- On a 1st & 10 on the
Pit 45, at 14:26 of the 4Q, TE R. Williams caught a short out.� Big Jason had a cakewalk solo of Williams
near the sideline.�� Stop the presses!!�� Big Jason finally got a solo!�
- On 2d & 8 on the Pit
32, at 9:34 4Q, Kirby ran the ball wide right.�� Kennedy solo-blocked Big Jason -- you know, the big, bad pro
bowler -- and pancaked GilDong's ass to the turf.� This basically resembled a rhinoceros rumbling over a kitchen
stool.�
- On a 1st & 10 on the
Pit 39, at 3:57 of the 4Q, Kirby ran the ball up RT.� This was still a close game, and GilDong, being the supposed
captain, is supposed to be leading by example by playing hard up until the
final gun.� But, no, there's the Gutless
Wonder, Jason GilDong, backpedaling faster than Lance Armstrong, and getting
bullied by the TE like the pimply faced twerp on the school playground.� Kirby easily gained 13 yards while GilDong
meekly stood by with all the intensity of a parking-lot attendant.�
- GilDong, having no
apprehension about showing the entire country that he'd already mailed this
game in, was mauled by 3rd-string TE D. Jolley on the next play.�� Kirby cruised for an easy 4-yards, while in
sickening fashion Mr. Blo Bowl, Jason GilDong, was getting bullied and
bitchslapped by a rookie 3rd string TE.�
So, there you have it,
folks: 1 solo and 4 assists.� A recap on
Jason's one paltry solo:
1.� TE. R. Williams catches a short out, and
Jason gets a cake-easy solo stop near the sidelines.
The 4 assists were all
little add-on love-taps after short receptions.�
That's it.� Pass rush?�
You're joking, right??�� Had
Gannon soaked himself in pig slop prior to kickoff, Big Jason wouldn't have
smelled it until the post-game handshakes, because GilDong didn't come close to
sniffing Gannon all night long.�� Right
about now, there will be more carping and crying from the GilDongites (In
Dong We Trust is their motto) about "(sniff)�.but Gildon was in pass
coverage all night�(sob).. how could he rush the passer?"�� Roughly speaking (I have trouble reading my
own handwriting), GilDong was in coverage on 24 passes and rushed the passer on
41.�� Ergo, 63% of the time, Big
Jason rushed the QB, and the only bit of production from his meager effort was
harmlessly buffeting the chest plate of the shoulder pads of RT Lincoln
Kennedy.� And, just to remind readers --
sacks are indeed over-rated, while it is the pressures and hits on the QB that
are what produce errant throws, INTs, "happy feet", and so on.�� For the outrageously fatty sum of $23.5M,
for the second consecutive week Jason accomplished none of this Sunday
evening...no pressures, no flushes, no harassment, no hits as the pass is
released, no nothing.� On the other
hand, if GilDong were paid according to the amount of barf-inducing plays that
are befitting of female power-puff football, Jason would be looking at earnings
far exceeding any clever insider deal by Martha Stewart.� On a related note, what's the difference between
Martha Stewart and Jason GilDong?�
Answer: They both stole money, and they're both feminine in their
approach�but unlike The Flopper, Martha doesn't get bullied, bulldozed, and
whipped like a red-headed stepchild.�
Because of pathetically
soft play, Jason allowed four 1st downs, including killer plays on 3d
& 15 and 3d & 8 caused by Jason's inept flop-and-flail technique.� Not once did Jason pressure, harass, flush,
or hit the QB.�� While his fellow OLB,
Joey Porter, was having one of the greatest games in the history of Pittsburgh
linebacking, The Flopper was having one of the very worst, with a shameful,
pitiful, half-hearted effort that was totally devoid of any intensity,
toughness, intelligence, or technique.�
We've taken the liberty of contacting Velveeta in order to work
out a deal to have Big Jason -- The Big Cheeze-Eater -- as their
spokesman.�� Who better to promote an
artificial brand of cheese, than the artificial linebacker and Queen of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong?� We've also contacted Kraft�after
all, their macaroni is the cheesiest, and no defender in the NFL is cheesier
than the cheese-covered Gilded Dong, Jason GilDong.� And if not Kraft, why not use The Flopper at an endorsee for
Burger King?�� "A Flopper with
Cheeze, for only 39 cents.� Double-dong
your order for only 69 cents more.� Take
it from me, The Flopper� -- have it your
way, in drag or without, bent over or doggie style, at Burger Queen, Home of
The Flopper."�����
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 2 games:
Earned Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�: 0
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing Whiffs: 4
First downs allowed:� 6�
TDs allowed:� 1