�The GilDong Report (Game #16,
vs. Balt.)� 
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper
statistics the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3
seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their
point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take
time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
The Stillers finished the season with a narrow win over the
lowly Ravens, and Jason GilDong finished the season with yet another lukewarm,
mediocre game, finishing with 2 solos & 2 assists -- not the 3 solos &
1 A that was advertised in the post-game box score -- plus his usual assortment
of flopping and flailing.�
{Speaking
of stats, we've expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong
Sack, we're added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the
accurate tracking of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing
whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of
the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness
that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop
& Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well
as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against
ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who
actually knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st
downs allowed.� 1st downs are the
piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win
field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that
allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to
stay out longer.
- TDs
allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line
in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about
12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a
recap of Big Jason's game versus Baltimore:
- On Balt's first ground
play of the day (2nd play from scrimmage), Lewis ran up the gut.� Jason was solo blocked by the RG, #66 Ed
Mulitalo��
�See the photos below, and
ignore the red line, which is not pointing at Big Jason.� (Our graphic artist here at Stillers.com
chugs plenty of Iron City this time of year, so excuse his small mistake.)� Jason is the Stiller player on the LEFT, who
is getting the living piss mauled out of him.�
Note that this play began on the Pit 38, and Jason is getting bulldozed
back to the 33�
��� 
�In
the top left corner, below, you can see the mauling continue, with Jason
literally getting blasted off the screen.�
By all reasonable accounts, Jason ended up at his 30 yard line -- a full
EIGHT yards off the line of scrimmage.�
But sure enough, you'll hear fawning, apologizing, and excuse making
about how great Big Jason is; how dominant he is; and how he is unfairly being
blocked by 2, 3 or even 4 blockers on every play.
���
- On 2d & 14 at 12:13
1Q, Big Jason lined up in a standing position over the Ravens talented,
quick-footed TE, Todd Heap.�� At the snap,
you can see exactly what Big Jason did to impede the TE from getting into his
pattern:� absolutely nothing.� Here's Jason, the big, brawling, supposedly
badassed LB, and he doesn't even lay a pinkie-finger on Heap.�� (again, apologies to our readers�.our
graphic artist was guzzling scotch like there was no tomorrow, and failed to
capture these hilarious photos.)�
Because he received no chuck or impediment from the supposed "pro
bowl LB", Heap easily sauntered downfield and grabbed a pass, good for 22
yards and a first down�.yet another 1st down allowed by the gilded dong, Jason
GilDong.
-
On a 1st & goal at the 6, at 4:40 1Q, Jamal Lewis ran up the gut and
reached the ball out for a stab at the goal line.� Big Jason, of course, was standing around doing nothing�
���
�Jason
saw that Lewis was nearly down, so The Paper Tiger cleverly tried one of his
favorite tricks -- the stack jump, or in this case, a modified
stack jump in which Jason flops to his knees near the ballcarrier in hopes of
drawing a cheesy assist from the hometown scorers.� As can be plainly seen, while Jason is doing his patented flop
near Lewis, the ball has already been fumbled away, and is rolling into the end
zone�
�
�Jason
flops to his knees -- into his favorite position on all 4's -- while a critical
fumble is rolling around the end zone.�
-
2-3-PIT 44 (0:16 2Q) Blake faded back to pass.�
Jason was, as usual, solo blocked by the RT, the turdlike Ethan
Brooks.� Note that there's not a TE, FB,
wingback, or waterboy anywhere nearby giving Jason a "chip block" or
any other blather that you've read from the Pgh. media all season�
��� 
�Brooks, the turdish former
7th round draft pick who has bounced around from Atlanta, St Lou, AZ, Denver,
and now Balt, is woefully off balance, bending over like Jason's boyfriend in a
wretchedly horrible display of pass blocking at the NFL level����
�
�Big
Jason easily skirts around Ethan the Idiot, not needing the "big
bulrush" that Jason claims is the key to his dominance and success�
�Jason
gets the easy sack of Blake for -8 (not the -10 as listed in the post-game
stats), and Blake dropped the ball for a fumble that was recovered by
Smitty.� Despite the gross ineptitude
and blundering by Ethan "I like to bend over" Brooks, the committee
graciously gave Big Jason an earned sack on the play, although
"earning" a sack against a bag o' vomit like Ethan is akin to earning
a NASCAR victory over a group kids who are racing small go-carts.�
�
-
On the first play from scrimmage in the 3Q, Blake flipped a short pass over to
a wide open Lewis on the right side of the field.� Jason, who'd dropped into that short, piss-ant zone, came over
and despite having a cake-easy play on Lewis, awkwardly grabbed at the much
smaller man�
���
�one would think that a
big, he-man linebacker like Big Jason Gildon would be able to easily make such
a simple stop, especially with Lewis pinned to close to the sideline.� But nope, Lewis shrugs the vaunted GilDong
off his back as though GilDong were a toddler�.
����� 
�
�and
Jason ends in one of his most oft-seen positions -- flat on his ass,
doing nothing.�
��� 
Don't snicker too loudly,
though.� For this hilariously feeble
attempt at a tackle, Big Jason -- aka The Paper Tiger -- was actually awarded
an assist.�
- 2 plays
later, backup RB Chester Taylor ran the ball up the gut.� Jason slipped inside the oafish RT, Brooks,
and chipped in with Smith for a cake-easy assist.��
-
On 1st & 15 at 7:58 3Q, Blake faded back to pass.� Big Jason, who supposedly has been the primary focus of every
opponent's blocking scheme, was solo blocked a TE.� Not just any TE, mind you, but third
string TE, Terry Jones.� Meanwhile,
you can plainly see a Stiller right side linemen being triple teamed�.
��� 
�Here
was a perfect chance for Big Jason to display his "big bulrush"
against a 265-pound third string TE, and what did The Flopper do?� Why, jack squat.� Jason did his patented WLR (wide loop rush), which did absolutely
nothing to harass, disrupt, or hurry the QB.�
With Jason doing nothing, Blake calmly fired a completion to Heap for an
easy 21 yards.�
��� 
����
- On the very next play,
Blake faded back to pass.� Big Jason
was, once again, solo blocked�.
���
�while
Blake fires a pass that was caught for a TD, what was the Sultan of Stench,
Jason GilDong, doing??� Nothing.� He was loop rushing -- not "bull
rushing" as he and Coach Tim Lewis would have you believe -- and doing
nothing.�
��� 
-
On 1st & 10 on the Pit 23 at 14:22 4Q, Alan Ricard, the FB, took a handoff
up the gut.� Despite Jason's supposedly
fearsome presence and vaunted reputation, the Ravens left him totally unblocked
and untouched on this play.� Jason slid
over, totally ignored, and met Ricard at the LOS.��
�
�
�Ricard,
who was never drafted out of Louisiana-Monroe, gives up 20 (twenty) pounds to
Big Jason.� And Jason had a clear and
easy angle to blast Ricky Ricardo.�
Instead, Ricard plows and carries the Gilded Dong�
�
�for 3 yards.� GilDong Apologists will sniff that "Oh,
it's no big deal", but when a mediocre FB gains 3 yards on a play in which
he should have gained NONE, that's the difference in the playoffs between
winning football and losing football.��
And when you're a loser like Jason GilDong, you naturally perpetuate
losing football.��
��� 
- On the very next play,
Lewis took a handoff up RT.� The Ravens
chose to solo block Big Jason GilDong with their FB, Sam Gash (see red
line).���
�Gash
meets Jason and delivers a wallop to the Duckfooted Boy Blunder, Jason GilDong�
�� 
�
the devastation by Gash continues�
��� 
�and
near the end of the play, the pancaked Jason GilDong (red circle) assumes his
oft-favorite position -- lying flat on his ass and doing nothing.�
���
But
ignore this play, and others�.because supposedly, "Jason had a big
game".�
-
On a 1st & 10 at 1:43 4Q, Blake faded back to pass.� Jason dropped into that worthless, piss-ant
zone that he almost always drops into when he's assigned coverage chores�.
�
�as
usual, Jason's combination of clumsiness; a gross inability to read the play;
and his piss-poor inability to break on the ball; all lead to an easy
completion to Heap.
��� 
���
This
should come as no surprise, of course.�
Big Jason makes a downfield play on a passed ball about as often as Hillary
Clinton does anything sensible or productive.�
-
On the Ravens' last play from scrimmage, Blake faded back and threw a hideous
INT.� Might the he-man sack monger,
Jason GilDong, have caused the hurry and disruption of Blake?��� Why, of course not.�� Below, you can see Jason loop rushing so
wide and behind the QB that, if Jason had been holding a javelin, he still
wouldn't have been able to touch the quarterback.�
�� 
But, hey -- don't believe
me.� Don�t believe your lyin' eyes.� Believe the Pittsburgh media, who proudly
trumpeted Jason's "newfound bulrush".
To summarize:�
Jason had 2 solos -- not the 3 as listed in the box score -- and 2
assists, nearly all of which were as cheesy as the factory that produces
Cheetos.� To sum them up:
- solo and sack of Blake by
looping around the bent-over stiff, Ethan Brooks.
- untouched solo on a
Ricard plunge, which Ricard plowed, bulled, and carried the untouched GilDong
for 3 yards.
- easy-as-pie assist on a
plunge.
- getting thrown off the
back of Jamal Lewis and tossed onto his ass, yet nonetheless getting credit for
an assist.�
That was it.� But hey -- remember, "Jason
had a big game; he had a sack," crows the average Steeler fan.�� Never mind the numerous plays in which
Jason got bullied�or failed to chuck the TE�.or loop rushed 15 feet behind
the QB�or stood around playing punch the clown.� Unbelievably, some fans out there were claiming "Gildon
outplayed Porter" in this game, which is among the more preposterous
statements in all of 2002.� While
GilDong was facing one of the truly worst tackles in all of pro football, Joey
Porter was facing the VERY BEST tackle in pro football, Jonathan Ogden.� That's right -- Ogden, with the injuries to
Tony Boselli, is head & shoulders above any other tackle in the game
today.� The difference between facing
Ogden and a stiff like Ethan Brooks is no different from the difference in
facing Randy Johnson and Jimmy Anderson.�
Both pitchers are left-handers, and both are "professionals"
(as we're often reminded by the media's trite, brainless rendition of,
"Hey, that's still a professional that he has to face"), but that's
where the similarities end.�� Johnson is
almost impossible to hit, while Fat Jimmy Anderson is as easy to hit as batting
practice.� So it is with Jon Ogden and
Ethan Brooks -- Ogden is almost impossible to beat, while Brooks is a human
version of a traffic cone.�
Sure enough, we'll hear
more babble from Ron Cook, Ed Bouchette, and The GilDongites,
"�but�but Jason was back in coverage practically the whole
game."� No, he was not. Counting
plays in which the QB ran, Jason rushed the QB 17 times, while dropping back in
coverage 13 times.�
"But Jason is being
ganged upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.�� And as we saw
time after time after time after time, Balt. chose to either solo block
Big Jason or leave him totally unblocked, which you've seen in many of the
photos above.� But sure enough, we'll
hear experts like Ron Cook and members of the GAA, who will tell you how badly
Jason is being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each
and every play.� Rest assured, not one
of those "experts" will step up and state that Jason was being solo
blocked or simply left alone.���
And, as we learned a couple
weeks ago, a new excuse has been invented by the Pittsburgh media.� The first part of the season, the #1
lame-assed excuse was, "Jason is back in coverage all the time".� We here at Stillers.com easily dispelled
that load of bull.� Then came,
"Jason is being gang-blocked by 2, 3, even 4 blockers on every
play."� Again, we made a mockery of
that fairy tale.� Then it was "the
scheme"�it was all Timmy Lewis' fault that all the other LBs were hitting
and making plays, while Jason was AVOIDING contact and pussing out.� Now, the new excuse-de-jour for Jason
GilDong is, "Jason needs to get back to the bull rush."�� Jason's sack was the result of an OT using
technique more appropriate for a middle-school playground, and even when facing
a third string TE, Jason still was looping, not "bull rushing".� You saw Jason during this Ravens game, and
you've seen the photos�.and not once was Jason's big, bad bullrush any
more effective than a screen door on a submarine.� Bullrush??� Looks (and
smells) more like bullshit to me.
Of course, there's always
someone in the local media willing to sing GilDong's praises, no matter how
sorry and overpaid The Dong is.� Wrote
Ron Cook in the PG about 18 days ago: "That's why it was so encouraging
to see what Jason Gildon did yesterday. He's a Steelers defensive captain and
their most indispensable defensive player. Unjustly dogged much of the season
as a big-money bust, he took it upon himself to make sure the Carolina offense
had no chance. "� Yes, sure.�
Jason is the team's most indispensable player.� He was so indispensable that he was thoroughly invisible
for the first 12 games of the season -- and "unjustly dogged",
according to Ron Cook -- and only by virtue of facing creampuffs in the two
worst offenses in the NFL has Jason GilDong become remotely visible.� Jason was really "indispensable"
against the Ravens; in fact, I cannot fathom how the Stillers could have
possibly won that game were it not for the superhuman efforts and heroism of
Big Jason GilDong.� The way Jason
chucked and manhandled Todd Heap�the way Jason was a crushing force against the
run�surely the Stillers would have lost were it not for Big Jason GilDong.
If anyone doubts the
validity of The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape,
and compare what you observe to what the report covers.� Don't have the game on tape?� Then make it a point to isolate on Big
Jason, and only Big Jason, on perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next
week.� Soon enough, you'll join the
legions of Steeler fans who have finally seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of
The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze, Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth
about what a fraud this imposter truly is.�
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 16 games:
Earned Sacks: 3
Dong Sacks�: 6�
Bullshit "sacks" (included in Dong sack total) on plays that actually
netted positive rushing yardage:� 1
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 3
INTs caused: 0
INTs made: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 24
First downs allowed: 34
TDs allowed:� 6
