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Why I hate the Patriots (and Why You Should, Too)

December 06, 2007 by Palmer Sucks

Why I hate the New England Patriots (and Why You Should, Too)



Judging from national fan reaction after Monday Night�s Boning in Baltimore, I�d say there�s plenty of hatred now for the New England Patriots. And I�d like to join in the fun!


First though, let me explain: I don�t hate the Patriots because they win.


I don�t even hate them because they cheat.


No, I hate the Patriots for a different reason: quite they simply they represent all that is bullshit about the game of football.  Allow me to illustrate:


Bill Belichick, �Genius�: Bullshit!  Since when does a guy who flunks out of Cleveland get to wear this label?  If not for his current QB and the Tuck Rule, Belichick is just some rich guy too cheap to afford sleeves.


Tommy Brady, �All American Boy�:  Bullshit!  All-American boys marry their pregnant girlfriends, not dump them for supermodels. But there goes Tommy, running around the country getting praised like Rockne. How does he pull that one off?


The Patriots, �Underappreciated Bunch of Blue-Collar Heroes�:  Bullshit! Is there a team that enjoys more media ball-washing than these guys? Seriously, I�ve been waiting for Chris Collinsworth to propose to Brady on national TV for weeks. The �07 Pats shouldn�t be covered on ESPN, they oughta be featured on Entertainment Tonight. And yet that�s precisely how the Patriots see themselves � underrated and disrespected.  Does it get any more ridiculous?


�The Patriots Don�t Talk Trash, They Produce Results�: Bullshit!  The Pats talk plenty of smack  they just wait until AFTER games they win to do it. Then you�ll see Ponch Brushchi all over ESPN doing his patented nasty screwed-up Ponch Face riff on whatever chumps the Pats just beat. (God I hate the Ponch Face!) Remember his post-game rant about the Colts a few years ago? Classic!


Some fools see this as smart � I see it as the ultimate in bullshit COWARDLY behavior. Unlike Anthony Smith, who at least has the guts to talk before the game, the Pats wait til after they succeed, removing all the risk. (Remember, these are the same punks who taunted old ladies in the Heinz Field stands after winning the AFC Championship Game.)


The fact is, the Patriots are as dirty a team as it gets. Now I don�t mind a little dirty play � most great teams have engaged in it in some form � again, what I hate is the All-American squeaky-clean image they somehow enjoy despite it.


And how about the Spygate Scandal?  How dare the league bust them red-handed � why the whole thing got them so mad, they started running up scores for revenge.


Hold on a second � since when does a convicted criminal get to cop a �tude?  That�s like the convicted bank robber bitching in court about how unjust his sentence is � and vowing payback to the bank.


But most of all, I hate one thing above all about the Patriots: their bullshit fans.


Or should I say their pseudo-fans: because when you get right down to it, there is no such thing as a Patriot fan. There are only a bunch of chowderheads killing time until pitchers and catchers report.


Red Sox fans are fans of baseball. Patriot fans are fans of winning. Show me a Pats fan�s closet, and I�ll show you an old New York Giants jacket shoved in the back.


The fact is, the Patriots up until �01 were in fourth place in their own market, behind the Sox, Celts and Bruins.  And yet there was pompous ol� Bob Kraft standing up there after the Patsies� last Super Bowl win, having the nerve to proclaim Pats fans the �best in the world.�


All you need to know about the �world�s greatest� Patriot fan is this: he was heard shouting �Yankees suck!� at his football team�s Super Bowl parade. Or did you miss that, Bob?


The chowd fan can be divided into two basic groups: bitter anorexic post-collegiate chicks in Brady jerseys, and half-wasted Dane Cook wannabes squealing like schoolgirls over Tommy�s latest dating partner. Both types equally suck.


The decade�s most successful team, wasted on the worst bandwagon fan base.  Now that�s what I call bullshit.


I�ll have the pleasure of catching the chowder fan in action when I venture into a sports bar to watch Sunday�s game.  Should be fun.  Especially with all the incentive Belichick has to run up the score should he get the chance.


No doubt Bitter Billy has had Tomlin�s �Smoke There�s Fire� comments tacked up on the bulletin board since the day they came out. Not to mention Ward�s verbal contribution to the controversy. To those of you worrying over what Smith said � relax � the Patsies have been in a self-righteous lather the last few months anyway. They�re steaming under their blue collars, just waiting to spew out all kinds of good stuff after Sunday�s game.


Let�s just hope the Stillers don�t give them that chance. But if they do, remember � you can store your anger and use it for a rematch.  The Patriots always do. Which may be the only thing that�s not bullshit about them.



2007 by

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