The WoodenDong Report (Game #10, vs. Ravens)
In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.
In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 3 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.
As longtime Stillers.com readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)
Here in 2012, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is.
As is often usual with Big LaMarr, he appeared to have a half-adequate game on paper, with 5 solos and 0 As . Of course, as we will see, defensive stats are as meaningless and useless as a broken prophylactic. LaMarr had plenty of chances against SOLO blocking, as well as a rookie starting RT Kelechi Osemele, to do something -- anything -- but instead mostly did nothing by pawing and groping. A review --
2d & 12, PIT 14, (9:48 1Q)- Rice up the middle to PIT 13 for 1 yard. Big LaMarr got a cheesy lil’ slop stop. You’ll note that LaMarr rarely ever, if ever, “lights up” a ballcarrier. Instead, he paws and gropes like a faggott inside the shower of a state prison.
At 1:27 1Q, LaMarr got sealed inside on a wide Rice run. Lucky for him, the DB’s bailed his ass out.
2d & 11, BAL 29, 1:07 1Q - on this next play, Big LaMarr, who’s been in the league 5 prior years and should know SOMETHING, lost track of Rice, who slipped down the sideline and was wide open for a 31-yard lob pass. Of course, LaMarr got a “solo stop” on this play, so it makes him look competent, at least on paper.
Got sealed in at 11:07 2Q and allowed the RB to skirt wide.
At 7:58 2Q, got sealed inside on a Rice run, which gained 6 yards (but was negated by a ticky tack holding flag on the TE, who had easily manhandled Big LaMarr on the play).
3d & 1, BAL 39, 13:41 3Q 27-R.Rice up the middle to BAL 39 for no gain. The NFL dot play by play recorded this as a shared stop with K. Lewis. On this play, The Big He-Man was SOLO blocked by a TE (Dickson) and actually held his own.
3d & 8, BAL 38, 15:00 4Q - Big LaMarr got a Dong Sack on a 3d & 8 early in the 4Q, when he looped around the Horn of Africa while being SOLO blocked by a rookie RT, and Jacco held the ball for nearly forever.
Right after getting praised by Collinsworth, , Big LaMarr got ridden way wide on a stretch play that gained an easy 4.
1-10-BAL 19 10:13) 5-J.Flacco pass short middle to 27-R.Rice to BAL 23 for 4 yards (50-L.Foote) [56-L.Woodley]. (Not a solo stop,)
1-10-BAL 35 (2:51) 27-R.Rice right tackle to BAL 38 for 3 yards (56-L.Woodley, 98-C.Hampton). Again, not a solo stop.
This was it from The Titan of Tittyfight. 5 routine slop stops. 1 first downs allowed on a 31-yard gainer, the longest gain of the game for Balt. Big hits? NONE. Heavy QB pressure? None. Blown up plays? NONE. A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB? None. Meaningful impact? None. The $61M Man spent the entire evening titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers. He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.
We here at Stillers.com know better. We’ve actually spent time watching and re-watching the game. Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M. Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with. Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.
Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 10 games:
Earned Sacks: 2
Dong Sacks™: 2
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1
Flailing Whiffs: 3
First downs allowed: 10
TDs allowed: 1
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)
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