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Stillers- PoeBirds Postgame Analysis and Grades

November 07, 2016 by Still Mill

 Ravens 21, Stillers 14 ……. Nov 6, 2016…………Game # 8


Stillers- PoeBirds Postgame Analysis and Grades


The 4-3 Stillers went to Balt to face the hated 3-4 PoeBirds, who were reeling amid a 4-game losing streak.    Mind you, as lowly and lousy as the Poe’s have been, they’ve pretty much used Michael Stoogelin as their own personal bitch.   In fact, the Ratbirds have won 11 of the past 14 of these games in Balt.    Sure as shit, the Stillers came out smug and sloppy, and were promptly bitch-slapped from the opening series onward.   The entire team chewed everything -- ass, ball, and cock -- en route to a 21-14 slopper of a loss that was nowhere as close as the final score might indicate. 




Ben returned from the knee surgery and started.   As happens NEARLY EVERY TIME when he rushes back from injury, Ben looks like complete vomit today, right from the get-go.   Should have had 2 INTs in the 1Q alone, and was throwing far too many quails.   



Threw a weak-assed quail, 2nd series, that was well underthrown and nearly INT’d.    Nearly INT’d by Mosely, 11:23 2Q.  


Overthrew a WIDE open Coates on a deep ball, early 3Q.   Then, imitating Samuel Morse, he blatantly telegraphed a short pass, which was batted by a D-lineman and INT’d.   4 plays later, the Poe’s tacked on a FG to make it 13-0.    Ben’s timidity showed ALL throughout the first 3 quarters, which then led to his telegraphing pass after pass after pass after pass.


On a key 3rd down, 3:20 4Q, at the Balt 13, allowed himself to get taken down via a jersey grab by a DL, which caused a 12-yard loss.    Very poor.    Throw the fuking ball away.    Scrambled and ran for a 4-yard TD late in the 4Q.  


Came into game 2-5 when returning from injury.  Now he’s 2-6.    F 



Bell - Flagged for a facemask on a 3-yard loss, 2Q, which really put a struggling offense in a bind with a 1st & 25.   Did very, very little, until waking up in the 4Q.    14 rushes for 32 yards is fairly a disgrace.   C- 


DeAngelo – Got his first action on the 1st play of the 2H, and gained a yard.   Then quickly returned to the bench and never saw the field again.


Toussaint - no PT on offense. 



D. Johnson - Johnson grabbed a valve dump, 1Q, and gained about 14.   Flagged for a false start on 3d & 2, late 2Q.  



Brownie –  Did next to nothing, entire 1H.    Lazily failed to HIGH point a pass in the EZ, 4Q, and allowed it to CLANG away for a harmless incompletion when it should have been a TD.    With the score 21-0 at the time, this was a shitlicking play.   He did manage to haul in the ensuing pass for a TD.   Dropped short pass just before 2MW.    Had 7 grabs for a paltry 85 yards.  Best WR in football, my ass.   Couldn’t carry OBJ’s jock strap.     C- 


Pinkie Wheaton –  Mister Sofftee again sat this game out, apparently as a healthy scratch.    Looks like his last game with the Stillers will be on Jan. 1st.   


Coates - short-armed the ball, like an alligator, in what SHOULD have been a TD pass at 4:04 4Q.   This would have cut the deficit to 7.       Had no catches.    D-  


Rogers - made some stellar grabs in the 4Q to spur on the offense.   Good grab on a deep seamer, 4Q, for 30 yards.  Then made a good sideline grab for 22 yards a few plays later.    Led the team with 103 yards, on his 6 grabs.    B+


Heyward-Gay – unable to 1-hand stab a deep ball, 11:20 2Q, and then injured his foot or ankle on the play.   


Hamilton - got some PT, but no catches.   


Jesse James - dropped a short, simple out pass, 1Q.    Had 2 grabs for 13.     C- 


L. Green - Mister Fragile did not dress.   Perhaps by Dec he’ll finally don a helmet.   


Grimble - grabbed 1 pass for 10 yards.  



OL:  Overall, the line completely blew chow.   They were engulfed in the running game and allowed loads of pressure on the QB.    For all the hype about how vaunted and how great this OL is supposed to be, they got their buttocks whipped by the Ratbirds today.   F 


Villeneueva -  allowed a goodly amount of pass pressure.    Run blocking was mediocre.    D-


Gilbert -  FatAss Marcus finally returned to the lineup.  It took him only 11 minutes into the 1Q to earn his first false start penalty.    Lazily just GAVE UP on the 3rd down sack, 3:20 4Q.   Played like a turd the entire game.   F 


Foster –  Did nothing to open up running lanes.   Played like a complete fat-ass.     F


Pouncey - Played just 2 plays before bowing out due to a finger injury.   Returned, but then left the game for good in the 3Q.   Inc.


BJ Finney - replaced Pouncer at C.     Did little.     C


DeCastro –   Got mauled back, 3Q, and the D-lineman was able to bat the pass, which was then INT’d.   Very poor.      Also committed a jack-assed false start.   Gee, it’s a good thing GM Kevin Doltbert rushed out to extend this stiff.  Even better, I suppose, that Dolbert overpaid him.   F



Hargrave - drew an illegal hands to the face flag, 2Q, which gave Balt an auto first down.    Very poor.   The DL got gashed for lots of healthy yardage on the ground, with Hargrave doing all too little.  0 solos and 1 A.     C- 


McCullers - chipped in on a run stop….9 yards down the field, 2Q.    Did nothing.    Is rapidly showing he’s yet another wasted Doltbert draft pick.    D


Heyward – Returned to action after missing a few games due to injury.    Took a jack-assed over-pursuit on the very first play by Balt, creating a lane that was at least 19 feet WIDE, which allowed an 8 yard run.    1 solos ALL game long, just doesn’t cut it.     C- 


Tuitt – Third play of game, on a 3d & 2, Stephonie got shoved waaaay over to his left, allowing a GAPING hole for an easy 5 yard gainer.    Finally made a play, nabbing West for a 1yard loss, 1Q.    Had a rare stuff of a ground play, 2Q, but then lazily allowed the RB to scoot away from his grasp.  Worse, he drew a 15-yard masking flag, although it should have been assessed on Chickillo.   Stuffed a run, mid 3Q.   Finished with a whopping 2 solos.    C- 



Timmons – Had a rare bustup of a seamer, late 2Q, although the pass was a good 10 inches behind where it should have been placed by Jacco.   Led the D with 7 solos, but nowhere close enough for winning standards.    C


Shaquier – filled the hole on a plunge and jarred the ball from the RB, forcing a large loss back to the Balt 3.    Good rad and lick on a FB draw play, 2Q.    Trucked the RB, West, on a blitz/pass rush, 2Q.   Literally just bowled West onto his ass.    Sniffed out and blew up screen pass, early 3Q, forcing a 4-yard loss.    Had 6 solos and was one of the very few who played with a mean-on today.     B


Moats - got some PT, did next to nothing.    C- 


Harrison –  Stopped a plunge, late 1Q.  Beaten by a TE wheel route, but the pass was just a bit too long.   Got a Dong Sack when Jacco, who had like 9 seconds in the pocket, finally scrambled and was nabbed for Harrison.  Chopped the ball out of Jacco’s hands, late 3Q, although the Birds recovered the pig.     Solid game by Harrison….if only the rest of the team had showed up with his effort.     B


Jones –  Delivered a good lick on a ground play, 1st series.   Made a good stick on a reverse play, 1Q, but then got injured on the play.   Returned later but played sparsely.   Inc


Chickillo -  Got loads of PT.  Had 4 solos in a solid effort.   He obviously is working his way into a starting job in 2017.     B


Vinnie W. - Only a small amount of PT.   


Dupree – did not dress



Golden  – Tooled by Pitta on an early 3d & 2, but the TE dropped a well thrown pass.    Did little.     C- 


Mitchell – at 8:30 1Q, Smith grabbed a short crosser, and Big Mike, the big he-man that he is, was in PERFECT position to make a ROUTINE stop.   Instead, Piss-Ass Mike meekly pawed at Smith as though Smith were covered in skunk urine, and Smith easily scooted away for a THIRTY yard gain on what should have been 7.    Then, later in the 1Q, on a short slant to Wallace, Burns was unable to make the initial tackle.   RIGHT THERE, of course, was Big Mike, in PERFECT position to, you know, make a fuking tackle.   Instead, JUST LIKE the earlier play, Big Mike meekly waved with alligator arms at Wally, who simply ran right by the slow-footed Bitchell en route to a 95 (NINETY FIVE) yard TD.     But of course, you’ll be inundated with bullshit articles proclaiming what an all-pro safety Mike Bitchell is.    The Big He-man finished with….get this….ZERO solos and 1 A.    And then this worthless jar of piss -- supposedly a “team leader” -- spent time, late in the game, taunting and barking at the Balt sideline.   As if he’d done ANYTHING productive in the game.   Fuk Mike Bitchell.   F-  


Gay  -  got some bit PT.  


Cockrell - Wasn’t picked on all that much.  


Burns - Got his first NFL start, over Gay, primarily due to Jacco’s deep ball ability.   In the 1Q, got a DONG INT on a Tomszakian quail of a pass to NOBODY by Joe Jacco, who was under blitz duress.    Popped the ball from West on a short pass, 2Q, which caused an incomplete pass.  Beaten on a deep lob to Perriman, 2Q, but the pass was just a bit too long.     Flagged for PI of Perriman, late 2Q.    Failed to bust up the pass to Wally that was taken to the house on the 95-yard play.     B-


Davis - had a good, rough tackle of Wally, early 3Q.  


Justin Gilbert - did not dress.    At this point, he’ll probably rot the bench the rest of this season. 


Sharko Thomas – not permitted to play on D. 


Spec teams:  

Jordan Berry –overall, punted ok.    Dogshit punt after first series, which went OOB at the Balt 44 for a 28-yard punt.  Complete and utter vomit.   Got a nice roll to produce a 54-yard punt, late 2Q.     B


Boswell –  Pis Boswell tried some bizarre jig-kick on a late-game onsides KO attempt, which booted the ball all of……..8 inches.    He was trying a soccer-like over-step back-kick, which evidently he’s never tried in practive during the, you know, 2+ hours EACH day when he’s standing around doing nothing.      D-  


AB – seemed entirely disinterested on the few punt return chances he had.   D  


Sharko Thomas made a stellar athletic play to down a punt just beforfe the goal line, late 1Q.    But then, in the 2Q, was flagged for a personal foul-roughing the punter to give Balt a 1st down on the PIT 47.  


Unbelievably, the FG block team was flagged for too many men on the field prior to a 54-yard FG attempt just before halftime.    Then, Sharko went offsides on the ensuring 49-yard FG, which was good.   Had the boot been no good, the Poe’s would have gotten a freebie re-try.  


Even more unbelievably, on the opening KO of the 2H, Coates was offsides, if you can fuking believe it, forcing the Stillers to re-kick.   Fortunately, the KO was deep enough for a TB.  


Perhaps even more unbelievably, Sean Davis just pranced AWAY from an edge rusher on a Stiller punt, early 4Q, and the rusher just meandered in, completely unfettered, and blocked the punt  for a Balt TD.    Unfukingbelievable.    Bear in mind, this was the winning margin.  



For what seems like the 4th week in a row, Haley arrived at the stadium with no more of a game plan than the popcorn vendor    The entire game plan was shit and puke, mixed in with a dash or two of diarrhea.  


Chickenshit SG draw, 3d & 9, 1st series.   Very feeble, especially facing a pass defense missing CB Shareece Wright.    Then, late in the 1Q, on a 3d & 4, Haley again went chickenshit, plunging Bell into the line for no gain.   Fuk me, talk about just mailing it in.    


No catches in the 1Q by AB.    AB finally got his first grab at 3:17 2Q.      You HAVE to get the fuking ball into the hands of your best players, even if it’s a bubble screen or a short hitch.      The offense finished 0-7 on 3rd downs, 1st Half.     84 yards of penalties compared to 67 offensive yards gained, 1H.   Sad, but true.  


This sorry-assed, sputtering offense FINALLY salvaged a 1st down, early 4Q, but an illegal formation nullified the rare 1D.      At 12:25 4Q, these sorry-asses finally got their first 3rd down conversion of the game.    Sure, they scored 2 TDs in the 4Q, in GARBAGE TIME when Balt was playing a softee prevent.     Haley has all these weapons….and then operates a bland, vanilla offense that is easier to defend than your typical Pop Warner offense, replete with a game plan as Cro Magnon as stone kinves.    His plungefest turned into a puntfest.   All the pre-season bravado about “scoring 30 points a game”, and this faggott-fuk offense has scored 3, 15, 16, and 14 in these 4 losses.   F 



Keith Assler had the luxury of facing an inept Balt offense, with a struggling Jacco and a meager ground game.  On paper, it will look like Assler did an acceptable job.  ON PAPER.   In reality, he continually allowed the weak-assed PoeBirds to c hew clock, flip the field, and earn key 1st downs.    And yeah, Assler’s secondary finally produced an INT…..but it was on a DONG INT in which Jacco tossed a hopeless quail to no one.      D 


HC:  Mike Dumblin oversaw yet another sickly, sorry-assed effort.     Foolish penalties abounded, and almost all of them were from a clear lack of focus.   Whose job is it to ensure focus?   Why, obviously, it’s the job of the dumbassed HC.    Obviously.   And then there’s the completely moronic flags, such as the FG block team being flagged for too many men on the field.   How in the FUK does that happen….??!   


Let us not forget, Dumbass Mike had TWO WEEKS to prepare for this game, and this shit-fest of foolish flags, sloppy tackling, and shoddy-assed blocking was the best he could come up with??       Once again, Coach Harbaugh uses Mike Asslin as his own personal lil’ bitch.    Year in and year out, Harbaugh just bends Michael over, slabs on a dab of Vaseline, and then just pumps and reams Michael like a jackhammer.     Fuk Michael Asslin, the little bitch of John Harbaugh.   


Synopsis:  It’s the midway point of the season, and this sorry-assed team is now 4-4, in a complete funk, and going nowhere fast.  Inconsistency, softee play, and brainless game plans all rule the day for this squad.   To refer to an old quote from Chas Noll, “We have problems, and they are many.”     After they receive a whipping from Dallas next Sunday, they’ll then venture to Cleveland, which could just as well be yet another road egg-lay.   If there’s any ray of optimism amid this otherwise stench-laden bag of shit, it’s that the seat may finally start getting warm for Michael The Almighty, Mike Stoogelin.   He’s overseeing a complete clusterfuk, and with any luck, it may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. 



(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

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