A Moment of Silence for Poor Joe Jacco
February 26, 2015
By PalmerSucks
Well, it’s official: the Ravens have released Jacoby Jones.
If I were the Ravens front office, I’d keep Joe Flacco away from all guns, ropes, gas stoves and cars parked inside garages. Because as of today, poor Average Joe’s career just took a turn into the dumper. No more run-back kicks to bail him out when he disappears in nationally-televised games; no more underthrown ducks turned into gold. No, from now on, Cool Hand Lukewarm is going to have to earn his wins the hard way – on his own.
“We don’t win Super Bowl XLVII without Jacoby,” was what Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome had to say about Jones’s release. Yes, and the French don’t win World War II without the Americans. Talk about your understatements! Jones was so easily the real MVP of that game, it hurt. He accounted for the lone Ravens TD in the second half, the winning score, after Flacco completely disappeared after halftime. (Jones did more in his Bowl than Santonio Holmes did in his, not just racking up tons of receiving yards, but returning a kick for a TD.)
Jones did more than just get the Ravens their Super Bowl win: he got Flacco the MVP award in a contract year. It was Jones who should be credited with getting Jump Ball Joe his huge payday. Ironically, Jones is now history, and Flacco gets to keep on cleaning up and remaining America’s most overpaid employee. Who says mediocrity doesn’t pay?
Of course, the release is good news for Stillers fans, who will never have to see another %$#@@!!!! Flacco bailout again. Now, here’s what the Stillers themselves should do: dial up Jones’s agent and see if his client is interested. Interested in a little payback. Interested in maybe taking a little discount to do so.
Jones is 30, but remains dangerous as a returner. He might fit in at this point in his career as a slot guy – a nice replacement for Lance Moore. And if he’s interested in a little revenge, what could be sweeter than going to the worst enemies his former team could imagine?
Do you know the definition of a football orgasm? It’s Jones in a Stillers uniform taking the opening kick against the Ravens and running it back for a score. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
So let’s get going, Mr. Colbert. Get on the horn and take your shot. And if you need to, put Tomlin on the line – make him promise he won’t stand in Jones’s way this time. How ‘bout it, Stillers? Want to make my year? Sign Jones now.
Here we go, f’in’ Stillers, here we go!
Anyway, here’s to you, Jacoby Jones. And here’s to you, Joe Flacco – the gravy train was great while it lasted!