My Annual Meeting�..Behind Enemy Lines
By Swissvale72
The non-profit that I supposedly run had its Annual Meeting earlier this week. I affectionately refer to this time honored event as a Board of Directors Meeting with snacks. We do however, confer an award on a deserving staff member, and have a keynote speaker.
In past years, we�ve twice had New Hampshire�s Attorney General as the keynote speaker, and have flown speakers in from Washington, DC, Ohio, North Carolina and California. Regardless of the speaker, we�ve never generated much attendance at these events�.board, staff, volunteers, kids, a few others.
Well, this year, I wasn�t about to shell out travel expense, so I thought about having a local celebrity. Sort of connected to our mission, given his life with his own autistic son, was Doug Flutie of the hated New England Patriots. So�.I wrote to the Patriots Community Affairs. I must confess, and I�m likely destined to Steeler Hell for eternity, as I closed the letter with the words, �Go Patriots.� Understand�it just about killed me to write those words, but one must do the job for which�s paid. Right?? I thought such a plea might increase the likelihood of our landing Flutie for the Annual.
Short time later, I receive a postcard from the New England Patriots Charitable Foundation��We received your request for a New England Patriot Player to appear at your upcoming event�.blah, blah, blah, blah, blah�.we will be unable to provide a Patriots player for your upcoming event.� (Those sonsofbitches, those motherfuckers, those bastards!! I essentially sell my soul to the fuckin� devil, and all they can generate is a half-ass form postcard!!!
Well, nobody comes to the Annual anyway. Staying very local, I asked one of my own workers and friend, Ricard A., to speak at the Annual. Ricard moved here last spring from New Orleans. His extended family lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. He has a firsthand perspective on the New Orleans PD, and their treatment of African-Americans(New Orleans�where time stands still). He speaks glowingly of New Hampshire when comparing it to life in Louisiana. Ricard is also��a lifelong Pittsburgh Steelers fan!!
My shtick at the Annual is to introduce the award winner, and the keynote. I have fun with this.�..I state that Ricard was not our first choice. I read the response from the shitty Patriots. I then turn to Ricard and say, �Ric�.you know�had we written the not one, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE-TIME Super Bowl Champions, they would have come up with a player for us!!� I just about got booed off my own podium. There was a serious drone throughout the meagher crowd. I also admitted to having an anger management problem when it comes to my football team. I confessed to taking a hammer to the Jax tape while Ricard was in my living room.
Ricard begins his speech. �Hello, my name is Ricard. I am a lifelong fan of the WORLD CHAMPION Pittsburgh Steelers.� More drones from the crowd. I was out of my fuckin� seat. My pal Ricard and I were reveling in our glory. Truth is folks, I once attempted to have a Steeler as our keynote. A few years back, I inquired of Mel Blount, founder/owner of the Mel Blount Youth Homes, as our keynote speaker. May not have been too popular to have the Steeler Hall-of-Famer in New England, but I didn�t give a shit. First I wrote to Mel, at�.Mel Blount, Mel Blount Youth Homes, 6 Mel Blount Drive (no bullshit, it�s true). I expected the zip to be in Mel Blount, Pa�.but it was in Claysville. I called, and spoke to Mel�s wife, who refers to her hubby as Mr. Mel. Now�we pay the transportation costs for our speaker, but we�ve never paid the speaker themselves. Mrs. Mel told me that the usual fee for Mr. Mel is $5,000, but for us, they would cut it to $3K. I allow as to how we might try to hold another event earlier in the day, a breakfast that we would sell tickets to, in order to defray the cost. �Oh no,� said Mrs. Mel, �one event for $3K; that would be a second event, another $3K.� So, we gave up on Mr. Mel; we understand that he�s still taking the �heavy-handed� approach at his Youth Homes in both Pennsylvania and Georgia.Now, thoughts turn to next year�s keynote speaker. I thought maybe I�d recruit one of the Asshats off of the Message Board. Who might it be?? Here�s some candidates:
VA�.not sure if a lapdog can reach the podium�.nice little pooch, though, that Toto.
FukCowher�might be the non-profit version of bringing in Idi Amin for the keynote��kill them for their own good.� No way I could get his intro. right�he�d be pissed about that�.Local media would surely misquote him, take him out of context�.he�d be pissed about that�.he�d threaten my Board of Directors�.nah, maybe somebody else.
BigDaddySweetLove�..way to full of shit�.might let him cook, though.
KillCowher�.question & answer might be a little tough
Timmay�can see the next day�s headline in the Telegraph�FUCKIN� IDIOT ADDRESSES CHILDREN�S HOME CROWD
Female poster�how �bout Spiker?....topic would be �Lendale White & other Conspiracies� Would be well researched, plenty of slides, charts. Maybe a two-day institute would be more appropriate. Could never cover this topic in 20 minutes.
SteelHEINZSITE is the one�..wouldn�t have to say anything�..images, captions�.crowd would go wild.
Just another day, another event, Steelers fan behind the lines in Pats country.
Hey�STEELERS WON THE FUCKIN� SUPER BOWL
HAHAHAHAHAHA