The GilDong Report (Game #7, vs. Balt.)
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper
statistics the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3
seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their
point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take
time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
Perhaps
unbelievably, Jason had yet another softee game in which he did little
more than stand around groping and pawing at opposing players, and avoiding
contact at every opportunity.� Jason,
supposedly the team captain, finished the game with a whopping and thoroughly uninspiring
3 solos and 1 assist.�
{Speaking
of stats, we've expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing
whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of
the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness
that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop
& Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well
as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against
ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who
actually knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st
downs allowed.� 1st downs are the
piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win
field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that
allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to
stay out longer.
- TDs
allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line
in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about
12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a
recap of Big Jason's game versus Balt:
- On Balt's first drive, on
3d & 1, Lewis took a basic handoff up the gut.� At the snap, Jason performed a designed slant, and slanted
in.� The RT decided to merely plow Jason
in that direction (towards the inside of the line), and simply & literally
BURIED The Paper Tiger to the turf.�
Lewis was stopped by Farrior for a 2-year gain, but somehow Big Jason
was credited for an assist.� Ridiculous,
but true.� Perhaps as Jason was lying on
his back, with his feet up in the air like an upside-down turtle, one of
Jason's ducked feet skimmed the very outer edge of Lewis's sock, thus creating
the assist.�� This was unquestionably
one of the cheesiest assists one can possibly earn in the NFL.�
�- On the very next play, Lewis ran the ball widish right.� At the snap, RT Ethan Brooks fired off and
bullied and bludgeoned Big Jason -- the he-man "pro bowler" -- a full
four yards off the LOS.� Still,
Jason had a very good chance to bring down Lewis, since Lewis ended up running
in a "lane" right next to Jason.�
Instead, Jason gave this meek, half-hearted 1-armed flail, and whiffed
miserably, allowing Lewis an easy 6 yards.�
Besides piss-poor technique, this was craven linebacking at its worst.
- On a 1st & 10 at the
Balt. 20, at 14:46 2Q, Lewis ran right with the pigskin.� At the snap, Jason was engaged with TE Todd
Heap.� All Heap did was maul and blister
GilDong a good 2 yards off the LOS.� RT
E. Brooks then pulled, and gave Jason a basic straight-ahead hand-blast with
his 2 outstretched hands, and sent Big Jason reeling back another four
yards.� This was all too similar to Jon
Ogden's dwarf-tossing of Big Jason last year.� Once again, more craven linebacking from the
Princess of Pussy, Jason GilDong.
- 3 plays later, on a 1st
& 10 at the Pit 48, Blake faded back to pass, while Jason dropped into that
worthless little zone about 8 yards downfield.�
Blake pulled the ball down and scrambled around his right end.� Blake picked up some nice yardage -- about 7
yards -- before diving/sliding to the turf.�
Big Jason was the closest defender, and was closing in on Blake as the
QB slid to safety in accordance with NFL rules.� Jason got a solo that was so laden with cheese that an
advertising rep immediately ran out and slapped a KRAFT sticker on the
back of Jason's helmet.� What was
pathetic, was Big Jason after this play.�
The anal stormtrooper gets up, and start thumping his chest with one
fist, as though he'd done something spectacular and as if he were all big and
bad.� All The Cheezeeater did was
approach and stoop over a 31-year old backup QB who had been� content to slide and settle for the 7-yard
gain.� But hey -- I guess when you've
done absolutely nothing all season, then it helps to act like you
did something.� After all, there are
thousands of blind idiots who might actually be bamboozled into derelict voting
methods for the Blo Bowl.
- 2 plays later, Lewis ran
the ball up RT for 3 yards.� On this
play, Big Jason GilDong --- supposedly the object of an entire phalanx of enemy
blockers on every play-- was blocked by ONE man, 3rd string TE
Terry Jones.� All Jones did against the
he-man pro bowler, was simply bull Jason wide as easy as pushing a
self-propelled lawnmower.�
- After a Stiller kickoff,
the Ravens started on their own 34 at 5:15 2Q.�
This was one of my most favorite plays of the game.� Why?�
Jason GilDong was not on the field.�
Perhaps Bill Cowshit is slowly coming to his senses.
- Late in the 1st half,
Blake completed a short pass to Heap, at 0:52.�
Heap was stopped by a scrum of Stillers, one of which was NOT, as usual,
Jason GilDong.� Well after the whistle
had blown, Big Jason gave a little love-tap push to a Ravens' lineman, which
resulted in a dumbassed 15-year penalty on the team captain.� It was a stupid-shit thing to do by GilDong,
but when you're a Paper Tiger who will do anything to get onto the stat
sheet -- even by drawing a dumbassed penalty -- then you do it.�
- On a 1st & 10 at the
Pit 36, at 11:40 3Q, Blake faded back to pass.�
Jason stunted to the inside, and as usual, did jack-shit nothing.� Blake found no one open, so he tucked the
ball in and took off for his right end.�
Jason ambled over, and had a clean, clear, and easy shot to haul down
Blake. Instead, Mister Blow Bowl -- Jason GilDong -- weakly flopped to his
knees (with a puny stiff-arm from Blake) and then flailed as Blake
rumbled on.� See photo, below:
The GilDongites have well
over 137 documented excuses as to why Jason GilDong sucks ass, but they're
never able to rationalize why GilDong spends a great deal of game time in the
prone position with his dick in the dirt.�
- On a 3rd & 7 later in
the drive, the Stillers came with a pretty hefty blitz.� Supposedly, Jason GilDong is being ganged
upon by at least a half-dozen blockers, if not more.� On this play, the big, fearmonging GilDong was blocked by ONE
man, Jamaal Lewis, who rocked GilDong BACK on an attempted pas rush.� Yep, Lewis gives up over 20 pounds to Big
Jason, yet still rocked Jason's jock.�
Because the Ravens committed such a massive amount of resources to stave
off Jason GilDong on this play, the Stiller blitz harassed Blake into a hurried
incomplete pass.
- On a 1st & 10 at the
Pit 18, Blake faked the plunge and then rolled right.� Jason, as usual, bought the play fake as rabidly as a drug addict
buys a gram of coke for $3.� Jason then
covers a man in the flat.� As Blake is
releasing the pass to a man (Jones) just a bit beyond Jason, what is GilDong
doing?� The stupid ass -- with Blake
directly to his front -- is shoving and pawing at the man in the flat, and
totally oblivious to the actual pass.� Jones
snared the unfettered pass and then ran to the pylon for the TD, while Jason
GilDong sat fallow and did jack squat.�
- At this point, the Ravens
tried two 2-pointers, due to a Steeler flag.�
Both were obvious pass plays.� On
the first, in which the LOS was the 2-yard line, GilDong did such a worthless,
asinine WLR (wide loop rush) against a SOLO-block from the TE, that he ended up
past the TEN yard line.� On the 2nd,
which began at the 1-yard line, Jason ended up past the nine.� No wonder the rest of the league calls him
Jason The Gimcrack.
- On a 3rd & 1 at the
Balt. 19, at 3:30 3Q, Blake faked the plunge and rolled right.� Jason, once again, bought the fake
and was badly duped.� Of course, at 31
years of age, Blake is not anywhere near a dangerous threat with the ball.� Jason managed to push Blake OOB, but not
until Blake had run for 2 yards and the first down.� Chalk up yet another first-down allowed by The Paper Tiger, a guy
whom some would expect to finally learn to read and smell these kinds of plays
after 8 prior seasons in the NFL.��
- A few plays later, on a
1st & 10 at the Balt. 38, Lewis ran up RG.� Jason looped, and -- never one to READ a play and react
accordingly -- mindlessly ended up at the 30 yard line.� Yes, that's correct -- on a simple handoff
to Lewis up RT, the team's "pro bowl" LB was mindlessly looping EIGHT
yards behind the LOS.� But hey -- Jason
GilDong really is a GREAT LB�.just ask Jerry DiPaola.� Or Ed Bouchette.� Or Jim
Wexell.�� They'll be quick to tell you
how great Jason The Gimcrack is.
- Jason recorded his 3rd
and last solo at 14:24 of the 4Q.�
Blake, under heavy duress, scrambled a lil', and then shoveled the ball
forward to backup RB Chester Taylor.�
Jason, who was in his worthless little zone, was nearby and made the
cake-easy stop of an off-balance Taylor.�
- About 5 plays later, on a
1st & 20 on the Pit 21, at 13:10 4Q, is a play that every Stiller fan with
this game tape needs to watch over and over again.� Jason rushed from his LOLB position, and as usual, did jack
dick.� Meanwhile, Clark Haggans rushed
from the ROLB spot.� Blake completed a
short dumpoff in the RIGHT flats, just behind GilDong.� Haggans -- very clearly and very visibly --
literally chases after the football like a man possessed, and actually runs right
by the supposed pro bowler and "team captain", Jason GilDong, as
though GilDong were in quicksand.� Mike
Logan got credit for the solo tackle, but Haggans' hustle actually enabled him
to chip in on this stop.� The lesson learned
here is to observe Haggans hustle like a demon after the ball, while GilDong
waddled and tiptoes like a feeble old lady.��
But go ask a Pittsburgh media "expert" -- they'll be the first
to tell you how great Jason GilDong is; and how Haggans "doesn't yet know
the whole defense".�
- On a 1st & goal at
the Steeler 1, Blake faked the plunge, and then rolled to his right.� Jason received an initial, brief jostle from
the TE, who then released into a pattern.�
So here it is -- a brittle, 31-year old QB all alone against the he-man
pro bowl LB.� What happens??� Blake does a little fake, which freezes the
duckfooted GilDong as though his webbed feet had been slathered with concrete
for the past 6 hours.� While Jason
GilDong stood there with his thumb inserted deep in anus, Blake laughingly
ambled by untouched for an easy TOUCHDOWN.�
That's yet another TD allowed by the Gilded Dong �the third
one of the season.�� GilDong looked
absolutely pathetic on this play, but it's nothing new.� After all, Jason Gildon is a turd�.and ya
can't polish a turd.
- On the Lewis fumble
(caused by HAGGANS) in the 4Q, Jason was standing right there when the
ball popped at his feet.� Here's a
9-year veteran and supposed team captain, and instead of simply falling on the
ball and allowing the Stillers to finish off the Ravens, the stupid, clumsy
bastard is actually trying to pick the ball up and run with it!�� Luckily, his teammates recovered the ball,
no thanks from their supposed "leader", Mister Dumbshit, Jason
GilDong.
To review Big Jason's day, he
had 3 solos the entire game.� Two
came on cake-easy stops of an aging QB, and the other came on a hopeless
dumpoff pass to a backup RB.� The assist
was incredibly cheesy, as Jason got buried onto his back on this play and did nothing.�
Pass rush?� Once again, a farce.� Jason didn't harass, hurry, or hit Blake the
entire game.� Sure enough, we'll hear
more pissing and moaning of,�
"but�.but, he was back In coverage (sob) practically the entire
game."� More bullshit that has zero
factual basis.� Counting "penalty
plays", Big Jason was in coverage on 21 plays, while rushing on 37 (thirty
seven) plays.�
Veteran leadership from the
so-called defensive captain?� Totally
NON-EXISTENT.� The sad sack Gimcrack not
only was flagged for a dumbassed 15-year personal foul, but also loafed while
Haggans hungrily ran right by him and helped on a stop.� An easy 4th quarter fumble is there to be
had, and instead of falling on the ball for the recovery -- the way a savvy
veteran would -- GilDong clumsily tries to scoop up the ball & run, which
he flubs in typically oafish fashion.� A
supposed "master technician" and a "cerebral player" Jason
was duped and fooled so often that, if the Ravens had simply held up a poster
outside their offensive huddle that read, "Free PlayGirl Magazines being
given out at Gate A", Jason would have sprinted from the playing field in
a mad dash.� Not that it would have made
much of a difference, of course�.after all, this Steeler defense is essentially
playing with TEN players, while an 11th -- Jason GilDong -- stands around like
the Maytag repairman and does nothing.�
If anyone doubts the
validity of The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape,
and compare what you observe to what the report covers.� Don't have the game on tape?� Then make it a point to isolate on Big
Jason, and only Big Jason, on perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next
week.� Soon enough, you'll join the
legions of Steeler fans who have finally seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of
The Princess of Cheeze, Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a
fraud this imposter truly is.�
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 7 games:
Earned Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�: 1
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing Whiffs: 11
First downs allowed:� 18
TDs allowed:� 3
