The GilDong Report (Game #10, @ SF)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason
Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable
time the past 4 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason
Gildon.� (Click here to read the 2002 season-in-review
GilDong Report)� Big Jason
has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are
incorporating this into their point systems.)�
Again in '03, we'll take time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for
the fraud that he truly is.
Jason GilDong, known around the league as The Paper
Tiger for his ability to rack up paper stats, had yet another weakassed
game in which he hit nobody, did nothing, and stole oxygen from players who
could have used it.� Jason The Gimcrack
finished with a whopping 3 solos and 1 assist in a weak, half-hearted
effort.��
�
{Speaking of stats, last year we
expanded our "Dong stats" and will do so for the 2003 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of the Flop
& Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness that this
stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop & Flail, in which
Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well as the numerous
varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against ballcarriers that are
otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually knows something
about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.� 1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at
a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the
ball into scoring range.� Personally
allowing a first down is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to
remain on the field and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line in football is
the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are required
to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a recap of
Big Jason's game versus San Fran:
1. 3-7 SF 46 12:21 1Q.� Owens caught a short underneath crosser.� He then eluded Farrior, and Jason, who'd
been dropped into that worthless zone coverage that rarely ever defends a pass,
got a soft tackle of Owens, along with plenty of help from Pola and
Porter.� For this rousing effort, Jason
got a solo stop.
2. 1-10 SF 13 2:48 1Q.� At the snap, QB Tim Rattay quickly wheeled to hand the ball off
to Hearst up the gut�.�
�
�you can see, below, that Hearst
(right side blue line, below) has the ball in his belly and is well on his way
to plunging the ball up the gut.� But,
wait, the Niners pulled their RG as a decoy.� (See the left blue line, below.)�
And, wouldn't ya
know, Jason GilDong -- "the veteran pro bowler" -- BOUGHT the pulling
RG decoy, hook, line, and sinker�
�Jason titty-grapples with the RG,
while Hearst is miles away, plunging away on an 11-yard gain.
3. 3-1 SF 33 1:00 1Q. On
a critical 3d & 1, Hearst ran the ball up RT.� Meanwhile, Jason came untouched off the LOS, and then met up with
#88, TE Jed Weaver�
��� 
�instead of attacking, knifing, or
playing some tough, in-your-face football, what did the big he-man do?� He TURNED HIS BACK.� Yep, as you can see below, Jason turns his back,
and then assumes this absurd, asinine backward squat position.
��� 
Here's the replay angle of Jason's
backward squat:
As you can plainly see, because
the RT blocks down, Jason is totally untouched and unblocked
off the snap of the ball�
��� 
�he then turns his ass -- a tactic Jason fully appears to be quite adept at -- to Weaver, and then assumes his backward squat position� 
��� 
�.Jason then sits and squats, doing absolutely nothing productive, other than attempting to look like he's part of the scrum. 
��� 
The Squatter might have this
backward squatting routine down pat when he has to urinate, but squatting
backwards on the gridiron is about as useless as tits on a bull.� Or, in keeping with the theme, as useless as
a GilDong on a football field.�
4. 1-10 PIT 19 12:33 2Q. Prior to the
snap, FB Fred Beasley went in motion.�
At the snap, Beasley went to block Big Jason, but having started a bit
too wide, Beasley allowed Jason to slide down the line.� Barlow ran a plunge up left guard, and Jason
slid down the line and nabbed Barlow after a 2-yard gain for a solo stop.� This was an average, routine play that is
made all over the NFL by 2nd and 3rd string players.�
5.� 2-10 SF 47
3:51 2Q.� Rattay hit Hearst on a short
pass.� Farrior and Porter made the stop,
with a tiny amount of help from Big Jason.�
For this manly, heroic effort, Jason was awarded a cheeze assist.�
6. 1-10 SF 15 10:01 3Q.
At the snap, TE Jed Weaver releases with nothing more than a pinkie love-tap
from Big Jason GilDong�.
��� 
�Jason drops into that worthless, piss-ant zone, and, lost in coverage, then flaps around like a runaway windmill�.
��� 
�Farrior makes the wrap and tackle, while Jason stumbles over like a drunken simpleton�.
��� 
�Weaver has gained 9-1/2 yards on
first down -- wild success using any measure -- and what does The Clapper
do?�� He stands there; clapping and
applauding like a gradeschool cheerleader.�
��� 
But remember, Jason is "the leader that all the younger
players look up to", claims the Pittsburgh media, along with The GilDong
Apologist Association (GAA), led by the ilk of Ron Cook and Dale Lolleygag.
7. 3 plays later... 2-10 SF 26.� Hearst took the handoff and ran right, while
Big Jason is SOLO blocked by the TE, Weaver�.
��� 
�Jason gets mauled waaaay toward
the sideline�
� and then proceeds to get knocked
on his ass.
��� 
����
Of course, the GAA will claim,
"But� Jason had outside contain."�
Jason contained nothing.� He
tittyfought with an average TE, and then got knocked onto his ass like a little
twerp in the schoolyard during lunchtime recess.�
8. 1-10 SF 22 4:51 3Q. As Rattay
fades back to pass, Big Jason, the fearsome he-man, is left totally untouched
and unblocked off the LOS�.
�He's got a clear, STRAIGHT angle toward
Rattay, who is one of the slowest QBs this side of Tommy Maddox.� Instead, Jason paws and jousts at the
OUTSIDE shoulder of RB Kevan Barlow�
�Jason finally gets to the inside
of Barlow -- a man Jason outweighs by 20 pounds -- but it's too late.� Had he taken the INSIDE shoulder and gone
hell bent at the QB -- instead of pussyfooting and playing pussy paw-paw -- he
may have smacked Rattay something fierce.�
Instead, Jason did nothing, and fortunately, the pass to Owens was
incomplete.
9.� 1-10 PIT 28
4:25 3Q.� On the TD pass to Beasley,
Rattay pump faked before throwing the pass.�
Jason, seeing the pump fake, once again BOUGHT the fake hook, line, and
sinker, and literally STOPPED his pass rush.�
Just another bonehead, weak, stumblebum play by the NFL's biggest
veteran simpleton, Jason GilDong.
10. 1-10 PIT 43 3:59 3Q.� As Hearst takes a handoff up the gut, Jason
is SOLO blocked by the backup TE, Walker�
��� 
�Walker then proceeds to shove
Jason's face into the turf.� The Gilded
Dong ends up in one of his favorite off-season positions -- with his face
jammed into the dirt and ass up in the air.�
��� 
"Have some," yelled
Walker to Jason.�
11. 3 plays later....1-10 PIT 32 2:35 3Q.� Rattay faded back to pass. �Jason, as usual, was left totally UNTOUCHED
and UNBLOCKED off the LOS, with only RB Garrison Hearst assigned to passblock
the big bullrushing behemoth�.
�.note below, that while Jason is
playing pom-pom pullaway with Hearst -- a RB who weighs FORTY pounds less than
Big Jason -- the Niners are able to ward off the other 3 Stiller rushers by
using all FIVE of their offensive linemen on those 2 Stillers.� Jason, meanwhile, is thoroughly incapable of
blasting through a RB who gives up FORTY pounds, and instead LOOP RUSHES wide
of Hearst�
�Rattay calmly completes a 24-yard
pass to Owens, while the big sackmonger, Jason GilDong, is 14 feet away playing
grabass with little Garrison Hearst.
12. 3-4 PIT 4 0:36 3Q. Down 24-7 late
in the 3Q, the Stillers needed to make a desperate stand and hold off the
Niners.� On this 3rd down play, Big
Jason GilDong was ONCE AGAIN left totally untouched and unblocked of the line
of scrimmage (LOS)�
���
�Jason engages lil' Garrison
Hearst, who went way down low�..and instead of vaulting over or around the
stooped-over Hearst, Jason decides to play submarine games with the RB�.
���
�by the time Jason gets up in posture to harass or disrupt
the QB, Rattay has already released the pass.��
Luckily, Farrior stopped Beasley well short of the GL, no
thanks to The $6M Dong, Jason GilDong.
13. 2-9 SF 36 11:49 4Q. Rattay mini-rolls
to his right, while the big, marauding "pro bowler" is SOLO blocked
by FB Fred Beasley�
��� 
�Jason does nothing but play his favorite
game, pussy paw-paw, with Beasley, while Rattay is totally unfettered and
unpressured
��� 
Rattay completed the pass to Owens for a healthy 14 yards,
no thanks to the heartless, gutless play of Jason GilDong.�
14. 2-7 SF 29. 7:04 4Q. Hearst ran
the ball up RT for a nice chunk of 4 yards.�
Jason was totally neglected by the O-line, and engaging only the FB,
Jason was loopish and soft.�
15. 2-7 SF 43 4:50 4Q. Hearst ran the ball
up RG.� Jason was weak and soft against
the RT, Gragg, and gave up ground faster and easier than the French army.� Jason finaly dragged down Hearst for a solo
stop, but not until Hearst had an easy 9-yard gain.�
To summarize:� Jason had 3 solos the entire game, none of
which was any more memorable than a tackle made by Justin Kurpeikis during a
2001 preseason game against the Lions.�
Jason also had 1 slop assist.� The
Crabber allowed two 1st-downs during the game.� He also displayed his ever-popular backward
squat, in which he uses the same technique as when he has to urinate,
and squats with his back facing opposing blockers and ballcarriers.� Hurries created when he beat a blocker?� None.�
Hits on the QB after beating a blocker?�
None.� Forced turnovers?� None.�
Hard hits?� None.� Meaningful impact on the game?� None.���
Sure enough, we'll hear more
babble from Ron Cook, Dale Lolleygag, Jim Waxall, and The GilDongites,
"�but�but Jason was back in coverage practically the whole
game."� No, he was not. Counting
plays with flags and plays in which the QB ran, Jason dropped in coverage only
6 times, while rushing the QB 20
times.��� Meanwhile, OLB Joey Porter
rushed the QB only 16 times, while dropping into coverage 10 times.�
"But Jason is being ganged
upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� But sure enough,
we'll hear experts like Ron Cook, who will tell you how badly Jason is being
picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every
play.� It's balderdash.� As shown repeatedly above, the Niners
ignored Jason on most plays and treated him with as much fear as if they were
facing Justin Kurpeikis.�
Of course, imbeciles like Ron Cook
and Dale Lolleygag, the executive vice presidents of the GilDong
Apologists Association, will continue to fawn and gush all over Jason
GilDong.�� Jason may be in the Steeler
record book for sacks, but he's also in the same book for being the biggest
puss in boots to ever wear a Stiller uniform.
It's high time the Pittsburgh media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The Gimcrack for what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little energy, does nothing, and is actually inferior to 4th-year LB Clark Haggans.�
It's partially absurd that this
much analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still
scores of fans out there who think this phony is actually worth a rat's
ass.� He's not, and we'll continue to
expose him, week in and week out, this season.�
If anyone doubts the validity of
The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and compare
what you observe to what the report covers.�
Don't have the game on tape?�
Then make it a point to isolate on Big Jason, and only Big Jason, on
perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.�
Soon enough, you'll join the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter
truly is.�
Season to date totals for Jason, in 10 games:
Earned
Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�:� 4
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 7 (plus SL and Sea. game, TBD)
First downs allowed: 15 (plus SL and Sea. game, TBD)
TDs allowed:� 4 (plus Sea. game, TBD)
(Click
here to read the 2002 season-in-review GilDong Report�)
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only
nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately predicted
the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)