The GilDong Report (Game #6, vs. Indy)
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper
statistics the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3
seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their
point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take
time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
Jason
had yet another softee game in which he did little more than stand around
groping and pawing at opposing players, and avoiding contact at every
opportunity.� Jason, supposedly the team
captain, finished the game with a whopping total of 1 solo and 3 assists.� That's right -- a measly, piss-ant total of
1 solo and 3 assists, not 2 solos and 2 assists.� Note that, once again, Jason was credited for an extra "solo
tackle" in the "cumulative stats" that actually, according to
the official play-by-play at NFL.com, was an assist.
{Speaking
of stats, we've expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing
whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of
the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness
that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop
& Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well
as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against
ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who
actually knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st
downs allowed.� 1st downs are the
piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win
field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that
allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to
stay out longer.
- TDs
allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line
in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about
12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a
recap of Big Jason's game versus Indy:
- On Indy's first drive and
their 2nd play, James took the ball up RT.�
Big Jason was solo blocked by the FB, D. Smith.� The RT blocked down on Aaron Smith, and the
LG pulled to lead the way up RT.� ILB
James Farrior met the LG in the hole and stood him up, thus clogging the
hole.� Jason was easily sealed in by the
FB as easily as sealing a ziplock bag, but because of Farrior's good read and
strong effort, James had to stutter, and then dive ahead for what little he
could get.� Kimo came over to help fill
the hole, and Jason got a piece of James to get a very lame assist.� Had Farrior not stoutly clogged this hole,
James easily dashes by the sealed-in GilDong for nice yardage.� Of course, as his pathetic nature, Jason got
up from this cheesy assist, shaking his head sideways 19 times, as if to say
"Nobody runs at me".�� If it
weren't so blatantly untrue, it might actually be humorous.�
- On the 2nd play of the
2nd Indy drive, Jason The Stackjumper had a nice looking stack jump at the end
of a James 6-yard run.� He failed to
draw credit for a tackle stat, but it was a clever and well-executed stack
jump.
- On the next play, while
Jason was pawing and tittyfighting with the RT, Manning easily flipped a quick
pass just over Jason's helmet to James in the Indy right flat, which gained an
easy 7 yards.� This happened two more
times during the game, in which Jason was so focused on groping and fondling the
RT's tits that he was oblivious to the swing pass, and not once did the 9-year
veteran have the presence of mind to read the play and perhaps stick up a paw
to bat the pass.�
- A couple plays later,
Jason -- supposedly so fearsome that opponents are throwing the kitchen sink
and every available body on their roster to stop him -- was solo-blocked by ONE
man, TE Marcus Pollard.� Pollard --
hardly a brawny, power-lifting TE, and a man who is actually smaller
than Big Jason -- literally shoved Big Jason into the dirt.� Jason got up and jumped on the stack at the
end of the play.� This is precisely the
kind of play you get from Jason The Gimcrack: he gets blocked by ONE, and only
ONE man -- a small TE at that -- and then gets his face shoved into the dirt and
does nothing, and then trots over and jumps onto the stack in hopes of
garnering a cheap tackle stat.�
- On the next play, which
was a 2nd & 17, James took the handoff and headed toward his left
guard.� However, the play was totally
jammed up.� In the meantime, Jason was
left totally untouched and unblocked.�
Yep, that's right -- despite the absurd, lame-assed excuses from the
Pittsburgh media about how opponents are supposedly ganging up multiple
blockers to ward off the brawling LB, Jason was totally neglected.� James, seeing no daylight at all on the
designed play up LG, then cut to his right, and James Farrior, along with some
small help from Gildon, made the stop.�
For this rousing play in which he stood still with no one touching him,
Jason Gildon got an assist.
- On a 1st & 10 at the
Indy 25, at 0:45 1Q, James ran the ball up right guard.� Meanwhile, Jason was blocked by one
man, backup TE Mike Roberg.� All the
backup Roberg did, was shove and bully Big Jason a full 5 yards off the line of
scrimmage.� Here's Roberg -- a former
7th rounder in '01 who's on his 3rd NFL team -- bullying the supposed "pro
bowler" all by himself, and The Gutless GilDong accepting it with no fight
or malice.�
- A few plays later, on a
3rd & 1, James took the handoff for a gut plunge.� Jason was, as usual, totally untouched and unblocked at the snap
of the ball.� He therefore tiptoed
across the LOS on an untouched slant.�
The TE, Pollard, then blasted him from the side (the "out"
side) and onto the ground.� As Jason was
heading for another face-first inspection of the shoddy Heinz Field turf, he
stuck out a paw and barely nipped James' leg.�
James -- needing just a yard on a critical 3rd down play -- was
executing this play with the idea of simply plunging ahead for the needed yard,
and that he did.� He ended up at the end
of the plunge being stopped by Casey Hampton, yet unbelievably Jason GilDong
was credited with an assist so cheesy that the grounds crew had to rush out and
ladle away the excess cheese from the sod.�
Yep, that Jason GilDong -- what a force !!� He gets buried on a play, and barely nips a RB, and someone else
makes the actual stop.�
- A couple plays later,
James was given the ball and headed toward the right end of the Colt line.� Gildon was once again blocked by just ONE
man, TE M. Pollard, who easily shoved Jason all the way near the sideline.� Smith and Bell made the stop for just 1
yard, no thanks to the softee, gutless play of Jason The Gimcrack.
- On a 1st & 10 at the
Indy 25, at 7:35 2Q, Manning dropped back to pass.� Pollard released to go out for a pass, and Pussy Jason -- lined
up directly in front of Pollard and NOT in the pass rush -- did NOTHING to hit
or slow down the TE.� NOTHING. No
chuck, no push, no jam.� Pollard hauled
in the pass for 16-yards, while Jason GilDong stood around with his thumb up
his ass.�
- The next play, James
tried the right end again.� Jason was
easily buffeted and jabbed by the backup TE, Roberg.
- On the next play, Jason
dropped into that little, worthless zone that the coaching staff hides him
in.� Ismail caught a short in on the
other side of the field.� Ismail then
had to avoid Kendrell Bell, and was able to do so by running laterally so much
so, that he was running at a slightly "backwards" angle.� Jason -- the clever observer who would
rather prey like a pussycat than hunt like a lion -- was lying in waiting
behind and to the side of Bell, and had a cake-easy task to stop Ismail.� Jason then flopped to his knees -- as is his
style -- and made a nice wrap of the out-of-time-and-space Ismail.� Fat John Madden gushed and fawned all over
this play as though Gildon stopped Marshall Faulk in true "open
field", but take a look at this play and you'll see how easy this stop
was, due to Ismail having to elude the aggressive play of Kendrell Bell.� This was Big Jason's one, and only,
solo of the game.��
- 2 plays later, on a 1st
& 10 at the Pit 40, James took a handoff up RT.� At the snap, Jason was totally untouched and unblocked, and
tiptoed across the LOS.� Jason then met
the FB, and had a very good chance to get a hit on the very-nearby James.
Instead, Jason flopped and flailed at James' feet -- missing miserably -- and
was then summarily buried by FB D. Smith.�
No comment, of course, from Fat Madden.�
- A few plays later, on a
2d & 8 at the Pit 19, Brent Alex sacked Manning.� I bring this play up, because the blind, the ignorant, and the
retarded will bring up this play, and say, "Gildon DREW so much attention
that Alex was able to come in scott free."� On this play, Big Jason Gildong -- supposedly the center of
attention for every opponent and the man who supposedly keeps offensive
coordinators awake at night -- was blocked by ONE MAN, backup TE Roberg.� The big, he-man, fearsome LB -- blocked by
ONE man, and that man was a BACKUP tight end.�
But sure enough, you'll read more horseshit articles in the Pittsburgh
media, claiming that opponents are throwing every body they can to somehow slow
down Big Jason GilDong.
- On a 1st & 10 at the
Pit 37, at 0:36 of the 2Q, Clark Haggans fired in and nabbed Manning's
shoulder/arm as he threw, resulting in a harmless pass attempt that fell
incomplete.� Gildon apologists and the
local media will spin the stump speech about "Haggans got in because of
ALL the attention placed on Gildon".� The reality is that, on this play, Big Jason was blocked by ONE
man, the RT.
- On a 1st & 15 late in
the half, Manning threw an up/wheel route down the s-line to James.� Big Jason had the coverage, and was actually
beaten by a step.� However, the pass was
woefully underthrown.� Despite having
played 8 previous seasons in the NFL. Jason never once looked for the
ball.� I watched this play and the
single replay angle several times, yet it was impossible to discern whether
this ball hit Jason's hand as he was pumping his arms in a running motion, or
if James simply dropped the ball as he reached back somewhat nonchalantly for
the underthrown pass.� At any rate,
despite Fat Madden's gushing and fawning, this was hardly a great play by the
Gilded Dong.� A better pass either
scores 6 points or draws a PI flag on Gildon.
- On the final play of the
half, Manning dropped back to pass. Aaron Smith made an incredible play to
flush Manning, literally rocking RT A. Meadows off his feet and then wheeling
him back into the QBs face.� Jason
performed a designed inside-loop, and was blocked and stymied by one
man, the RG.� Manning scrambled to his
right, perusing the field and trying to find an open man.� Smith chased, as did Gildon.� In a fit of hilarity, as the club-footed,
slowpoke Manning stopped short of the sideline, Jason Gildong actually
over-pursues and steps one of his duck feet out of bounds.� Over-pursuing happens, but typically in the
MIDDLE of the field, not near the sideline where a slowpoke QB is out of room
and has NOWHERE to go. �Jason managed to
stop and plant and then throw a paw in the face of Manning as the QB released
the pass.� Overall, the player who made
THE PLAY on this play was Aaron Smith.�
The player who did very little, and foolishly stumbled so far as to step
out of bounds while the slowfooted QB was still well within bounds, was the
supposed pro bowler, Jason GilDong.�
- At 13:18 of the 3Q,
Manning hit James in their right flat on a little dump. Jason had dropped into
a very short zone on this play, and obviously this play developed and occurred
directly in front of him.� With no one
else around, Jason came up for the stop�and flopped and flailed in
hilarious fashion.� Jason flopped to his
knees and flailed at James' feet, whiffing badly.� James got 6 yards while Jason was once again left with his dick
in the dirt.� Funny thing, though -- Fat
Madden, who gushed and fawned over Jason the entire evening, had nothing to say
about this pathetic excuse of a tackling attempt after this play ended.�
- A few plays later,
Manning hit Pollard for the 41-yard TD.�
On this play, Jason was blocked by one man, and gave as feeble
and halfhearted a passrushing effort as you'll see in the NFL.�
- On a 1st & 10 at the
Indy 19, at 10:15 3Q, Manning again hit James on a quick flip pass in the flat,
while Jason Gildon pawed and groped at the RT's tits. James gained an easy 12
yards on the play.
- 2 plays later, Manning
and James hooked up again on the same quick-flip, while Jason -- oblivious to
everything except the nipples of the tackle in front of him -- harmlessly
swatted and groped at Meadows' tits.�
Maybe it's asking a bit too much of a 9-year veteran and "team
captain" to actually READ a play that has happened 3 times in the same
ballgame, and at least make SOME attempt to break it up.�
- On the next play, a 3d
& 8, Jason was in coverage.� He was
lined up a good 3 yards off the ball at the snap. Marvin Harrison was lined up
pretty close to Jason's area, and at the snap, ran a short "in" right
in front of Big Jason.� Instead of
putting a simple but jarring chuck on Harrison, Gildon gives him this little
babyfied LOVE TAP, which did NOTHING to slow down or alter Harrison's route.� Harrison then caught the quick pass and gained
11 yards and the first down.� This is
the kind of pussy football that, if Steeler fans actually paid
attention and WATCHED these games, the fans would be as outraged as this writer
gets when watching this overpaid fraud play pussy football.
- On a 1st & 10 at the
Indy 40, at 5:48 3Q, Manning faded back to pass.� At the snap, the RT blocked down on A. Smith.� Pollard, who lined up as a FB on this play,
mosied toward the LOS to "check" for leaks, but blocked no one.� Ergo, Big Jason was blocked by NO ONE and
was touched by NO ONE, and ambled untouched and unblocked toward the QB.� He applied some pressure and Manning's pass
fell incomplete.� Note, of course, that
Jason� -- unlike the absurd crying in
the local media about the phalanx of blockers that Jason supposedly has to go
through on each and every pass rush -- was totally untouched, unblocked, and
neglected.
- On the very next play,
Jason was lined up in a 3-point stance as a "down DE".� At the snap, he slanted in and was -- surprise!!
-- totally untouched and unblocked.�
James took the handoff up the gut, and Jason had the ripe chance to haul
down the All Pro RB for no gain.�
Instead, Jason did his patented Flop n' Flail, and whiffed
miserably.� James continued on for a
hefty 11-yard gainer.�
- 2 plays later, Jason was
back in coverage on a 3rd & 9.� With
Manning staring directly at him and firing a pass nearby, Jason stood
flatfooted and watched Harrison grab a pass for 12 yards and a first down.�
- A couple plays later, Smith
sacked Manning.� I bring this play up,
because, supposedly, Jason's ferocious and fearsome rush is the MAIN reason why
other players are getting sacks.� On
this play, Jason lined up as a down DE on the right side, and at the
snap, dropped back in coverage.�
Ego, there was no need for the offense to commit 3 or 4 blockers to
stave off Jason's ferocious pass rush.�
Yet, sure enough, we'll hear more babbling in the local media about
"Jason Gildon DREW blockers away from Smith on this play."�
- On a 1st & 10 a t the
Indy 1, at 11:37 4Q, James ran up RG.�
On the play, Jason was blocked by ONE man -- backup TE Roberg -- and was
easily shield-blocked.�
- 2 plays later, James ran
wide right.� Jason was literally shoved
and plowed all the way near the sideline by Pollard.� The GilDong Apologists Association (GAA) will immediately claim,
"Jason was stringing out the play."�
Oh, bullshit.� Genuine Pro Bowl
defensive players do not get bullied and shoved 10 yards off the ball, and sit
fallow and content to "string out a play".� Pro Bowl LBs go out and knock the piss out of the smaller
blocker, and then knock the piss out of the ballcarrier.� Period.�
What this kind of play is, is nothing short of pussy football.� (And if you don't like that terminology,
then complain to our advertisers and our webmaster. J )
- On a 3d & 7 at 9:25
4Q, Manning faded back to pass.� Jason
-- facing a backup RT since the hobbled Meadows was injured 5 plays prior --
blindly performed his WLR (Wide Loop Rush).�
Manning spotted the acre of open room, and easily plodded thru the RT
area for 10 yards while Jason was loop rushing 12 yards deep into the Indy
backfield.
- A few plays later, on 1st
& 10 at the 48, Manning faded back to pass. Jason was solo blocked by one
man -- backup guard/tackle Waverly Jackson, who was filling in for Meadows at
RT.� Jason managed to get some pressure,
along with Kimo, but Manning easily released the pass well before Big Jason
arrived.� Despite Fat Madden's absurd
fawning -- in which Madden's tongue was so far up Gildon's ass that it was
tickling Jason's throat -- this was a routine, average play against a piece of
shit BACKUP lineman.�
To review Big Jason's day, he
had 1 solo the entire game, on a cake-easy stop of a WR who was trying to
elude the team's best tackler, Kendrell Bell.�
Other than that, Jason had 2 flimsy assists and a 3rd assist that was as
mythical as the Loch Ness Monster.�
Supposedly the defensive captain, Jason's softee, gutless play allowed 4
first downs.� Twice Jason had easy
tackles, only to Flop n' Flail in pathetic fashion, resulting in pathetic
whiffs.� Supposedly a ferocious �pro
bowl� LB, Jason was content to sit fallow and play patty cakes, while the rest
of his teammates wreaked havoc on Manning, James, and the Indy offense.�
Pass rush?� Once again, a farce.�� Aside from one scramble caused by Smith,
and some lite pressure against a backup tackle late in the blowout, GilDong
didn't harass or pressure Manning the entire evening.� I personally re-watched every single play in this game, and not
once was Jason ever double-teamed on any play.�� NOT ONCE.�� Sure enough,
you'll read more bullshit from the local media about how Jason was ganged up
and triple-teamed.� It's pure bullshit.�� Jason was never once blocked by more than
one man.� On a few occasions, he rushed
against the RT, and not getting anywhere, he looped to the inside and was then
easily picked up by a center or a guard�..but that is NOT double-teaming.� The other favorite of The Gildongites, the
GilDong Apologists Association (GAA), and the local media, is the ever-popular,
"but�.but, he was back In coverage (sob) practically the entire
game."� More bullshit that has zero
factual basis.� Counting "penalty
plays", Big Jason was in coverage on 15 plays, while rushing on 35 (thirty
five) plays.� Yep, Jason rushed the
passer over twice as often as he dropped into coverage, but sure enough, we'll
read and hear the same bullshit about how poor Jason was dropped into coverage
�nearly the entire game�.�
If anyone doubts the
validity of The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape,
and compare what you observe to what the report covers.� Don't have the game on tape?� Then make it a point to isolate on Big
Jason, and only Big Jason, on perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next
week.� Soon enough, you'll join� the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Princess of Cheeze, Jason GilDong�.and
now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter truly is.�
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 6 games:
Earned Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�: 1
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing Whiffs: 9
First downs allowed:� 17
TDs allowed:� 2
