San Fran 30, Stillers 7..... Sep 10, 2023 ………Game # 1
Stillers - 49ers Postgame Analysis and Grades
The Stillers hosted the 49ers to open the season. Sure as shoit under Big Mike Tomlin, the team came out in a complete slumber, stumbling and bumbling their way throughout the first 29 minutes of the game. Down 20-0, they mustered a TD in the waning seconds of the 1H. But, of course, the vaunted Steeler D was of no match to the SF in the 3Q, and before ya knew it, the score was 27-7 thanks to a long TD jaunt.
Grades:
QB: KP got the start and had about as rotten a 1Q as a QB can have. Complete p!ss and vomit. He managed to pile up a fair amount of Dong yards, mostly in garbage time. 2 putrid INTs and a bevy of scattershot passes. F
RB:
Harris – did little, aside from a decent run late in the 1H. C-
Warren – also did little early on, and piled on a slew of slop catches in the 2H. C-
WR:
They didn't do much until the 2H, when SF was playing a softee prevent. C-
TE:
Pat FryBoy – dropped a TD pass late in the 2Q, but then grabbed one a few plays later.
OL: Overall, the line got dominated and buttwhipped the entire 1H, and most of the 2H as well. These 5 pudpullers should be humilated during film review. D-
DL:
Heyward – he limped off with like 2 minutes in the 1H. His stat line: ZERO solos, ZERO assists, and zero ANYTHING. He did jak fugging shoit the ENTIRE 1H. He rolled the DONUT. All talk, and produces exactly jak shoit nothing. F-
Lowdermilk - actually harassed the passer and had 2 tipped passes. That's 200% more than the Scammer did despite Scam being in on far more snaps.
ILB:
They got gashed far, far too often. Poor as pizz. D-
Watt – Had 3 sacks, but some of that was in garbage time in the 2H.
Highsmith – at the half, the $17M per year he-man has ONE solo, and had done exactly jack fuking shoit. Worse, the 49ers CONTINUALLY ran the ball around or just under this stat-monger, and Big Alex was continually nowhere to be found. Witness the 65-yard TD jaunt in the 3Q, which iced the game, and there was Big Alex, standing around and PAD GROPING, doing exactly jak shoit nothing in the process. Sure, in the 2H, he piled on some slop stops and padded his stats. He was NOWHERE TO BE FOUND in the 1H when this game got out of hand, and he did jack shoit in terms of harassing the QB. F
DB
This crew sucked well water most of the game. Softee cushions, inept reading of the QB and receivers, and shoddy tackling. D-
Spec teams:
Harvin – Had 2 good punts, mixed in with some barfy ones.
OC: Matt Canada oversaw a rotten, moribund offense for the first 28 minutes of the 1H. Had this offense practiced AT ALL since the last preseason game? Didn't look like it. F
DC: Austin apparently spent all summer and the week leading up to this game, doing......exactly NOITHING. No preparation. No schemes. No taking advantage of a home crowd and confusing the young QB. Vaniala pablum at its worst. Starting the game -- 4 possessions, 4 scores totalling 20 points for SF. Complete barf. F
HC: Last season, ya heard a lot of blather about "what a great job Big Mike Tomlin did the last half of the season." What ya didn't hear, is how he P!SSED AWAY the 1st half of the season. NOBODY gets paid for doing HALF the job.....except for Mike Asslin.
Sure as shoit, Asslin starts out this season with his team being hopelessly unprepared, befuddled, and confused, showing the intensity of a local knitting club. The vaunted Stoogelin got bent over and reamed by Shanahan in an ugly, embarassing fashion.
The kicker to this collossal failure occured in the third quarter, down by TWENTY, and punting the football in SF territory. Are you f----g kidding me?? This was a cowardly, chickenshoit decision by Stoogelin, and sure as shoit, SF ripped off a 65-yard TD run soon thereafter. Thank you, Mike Asslin, you chickenshoit loser. You weak, spineless little beehotch. F-
Synopsis: Another season opener frittered away, amid an avalanche of mistakes, boners, por preparation, shoddy game-planning, and a woeful lack of intensity. At home, no less. Unacceptable.
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