DRINKING THE KOOLAID
The Billy Cowherd loyalists have readily and willingly gulped the koolaid of ignorance for years.� His supporters blindly followed him for eternity, donning the mandatory darkened blinders of a dream world.� Drinking the koolaid comes with a steep price � not quite as high as the poor people in Jonestown, Guyana, who met their demise just over 25 years ago � but, still, a price of past, present, and future Super Bowls that will not come.� After all, is not the Stiller fan�s true motivation really just another ring and trophy to admire from behind a crystal case?
Drinking the koolaid of Billy Cowherd requires one to pledge allegiance to the following:
- Country Club training camps are not optional � they�re mandatory.
- If you are a �superstar�, you have no weight requirements.� Meeting weight restrictions is for second-stringers.
- The first few games of the season are meaningless � they are an extension of training camp.� Movies are optional during these weeks.
- Clock management is also optional, but mismanagement is preferred.
- Officials Challenges are mandatory � the red flag in your pocket is there for a reason � throw it on the field, regardless what the big screen shows.
- Timeouts are a nuisance � and there are THREE a half � need to get rid of these to eliminate confusion at earliest point in the game.
- Illegal procedure penalties are part of the game � live with them, learn to like them, and look at them as opportunities to excel.�� 1st and 15 is what champions are made of.
- If a play works � don�t run it again � the other team will be that much wiser the next time.
- If a play does not work, run it until it does � the other team needs taught a �lesson�.
- Corollaries to the above axioms � if a defense works, don�t use it again.
- Backups?� They just take up cap room.� Completely unnecessary.
- Corollary to axiom above:� do not ever play backups � they cannot be trusted, and they may end up playing better than the starter.
- Coaching is unnecessary � players need to come out of college ready to play.� Ie,��Plaxico can�t run the fade route in the endzone very well.�
- Corollary to above axion:� don�t waste practice time with trivial things like coaching.
- It is mandatory that offensive coordinators be �reigned in�, and utilize gameplans devised while their asses were tighter than siblings in Kentucky.
- If the running game is not working, go to trick plays.� Trick plays are very tricky.
- The least amount of contact on defense, the better.� Under no circumstances is the secondary allowed to hit the opponents� receivers.
- If a blitz package works � don�t use it again.
- In the offseason, allow players to work out on their own � they know what�s best for their own bodies.
- When drafting, it is always best to use the Bingo method:� write the draftees name on a ping-pong ball, and make selctions accordingly � saves a lot of money over expensive scouting departments.
Once the above pledge to Cowherd is completed, the koolaid must be drunk in one gulp.� No sipping, boys � you�re from �The Burgh�!
p.s. � it will be comforting to some, and sickening to others to know that Jim Jones was shot to death.
p.p.s. � there is another flavor of koolaid to drink for all the Walt Harris-lovers out there, but that is for another time.