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The WoodenDong Report (Game #5, @ Detroit)

October 12, 2009 by Still Mill

WoodenDong Report....@ Detroit (Game #5)

The WoodenDong Report (Game #5, @ Detroit)

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper statistics for 5-plus seasons, we here at devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.Big Jason was famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues still incorporate this into their point systems.)


In 2009, regrettably enough, the Stillers are saddled again by an underachieving, big-hype OLB, this being LaMarr �Jason� Woodley.


Make no mistake, back in 2008, as well as limited work in 2007 as a rookie, Woodley was a beast, combining agility, quickness, brawn and power to harass, hurry, and hit opposing QBs.That was then.Woodley apparently spent this past offseason doing nothing but scrapbooking and perusing his pile of press clippings, and he�s not been the same player this season, at all.He�s been lazy, lethargic, hum drum, and overall, just a lumbering clod who looks 15 pounds overweight and 2 steps slow.


It started in week 1 vs. Tenn.In the 1st quarter of the NIGHT game, when a player should certainly be as fresh as a daisy, Woodley allowed RB Chris Johnson to bounce a gut plunge wide, around Woodley�s end.Woodley lazily got sucked in, which allowed Johnson to reverse field and get wide. It was Woodley�s job, and his alone, to provide containment on that end.He failed, but on defense, there is no quit; you run after the ballcarrier and take out your frustrations with a good, clean lick.What did Big LaMarr do?�� He JOGGED after Johnson like a lazy pile o� shit, so much so that James Harrison, coming waaaay from the other side of the field, could be clearly seen on the TV replay running past Woodley like Usain Bolt.�� The result?A 32-yard gainer.��Big LaMarr, who was on the field for every defensive snap, finished that game with 1 solo, 0 assist, and 0 impact.


For the 2nd week in a row, Big LaMarr stood around and did almost NOTHING the entire game in the loss to Chico.Despite never leaving the field on the 56 plays the Bears ran from scrimmage, Woodley (hold your laughter) finished with ZERO solos and 1 assist.�� He rarely ever put pressure or harassment on the QB.�� Only once, in fact, he did, when he bullrushed the RT and pressured Gay Buttler on the 1st Bear play of the 3Q.Otherwise, he was a big, fat, ZERO, doing nothing.�� Woodley was clumsy and then was sealed on Hester�s reversal of field after a bubble screen to the left; Woodley feebly lost contain and allowed Hester to get wide (luckily the secondary stopped this play for 2 yards.)��


Week 3 brought the same old lethargy from Big LaMarr.He finished the game (please, suppress your laughter) with 1 solo and 0 assists in the loss to Cinci.Yes, he had a bat of a 2-point pass that was going to the FLATS and probably wouldn�t have scored.��� He had a rare jam-up of a running play late in the 1Q.�� That was it.��� Worst of all, on the fatal 4th & 10 play late in the game -- when the Stillers could have iced the game -- Big LaMarr rushed from his LOLB spot and promptly got PANCAKED ONTO HIS ASS.��� Yes, he did.�� Right onto his fat ass.�� So, when Carson LipBalmer got flushed out of the pocket, Palmer should have run into the awaiting arms of Big LaMarr.Instead, LaMarr was sitting on his fanny, and Palmer, totally unfettered, easily got off the pass for the 1st down.A couple plays later, Cinci scored the winning TD.�� Such is the fine line between losing and winning.��


In week 4 vs. San Diego, Jason Woodley had yet another humdrum game in which he did very, very, very little.In fact, his ONE and ONLY solo tackle was on a plunge by Tomlinson in which the RB stuttered and then SLIPPED to the turf, and Big LaMarr happened to be standing nearby and tapped LT for a big �solo stop�.�� That�s it.�� SD ran 44 plays on offense, and all The WoodenDong could do was get a Dong Solo when the RB slipped to the turf.�� Puh-thetic.��



So this brings us to Game 5 versus lowly Detroit.�� LaMarr once again had yet another sub-par, pedestrian effort, doing very little of value the entire game.


This writer watched, and re-watched, EVERY play in this game, and compiled copious notes in the process.�� In chrono order, here's a recap of Big LaMarr�s game versus Detroit:


First Quarter:


3-11-DET 21 (12:48) (Shotgun) 11-D.Culpepper scrambles right end to PIT 47 for 32 yards (25-R.Clark). ���On this play, Woodley rushed, and was SOLO blocked by the RT.He then engages in a silly game of titty joust, and totally loses focus and sight of the QB, who simply ambles around end for an easy 32-yard gainer.�� This enormous gainer was the fault of ONE player, Big LaMarr, who aimlessly lost containment on the QB.


1-10-PIT 47 (12:07) 11-D.Culpepper FUMBLES (Aborted) at PIT 48, and recovers at PIT 49. 11-D.Culpepper to PIT 49 for no gain (56-L.Woodley). ��Big LaMarr got a Solo Tackle !!�� The QB fumbled the snap and fell upon the ball, and Big LaMarr, the big he-man that he is, tapped the QB on the shoulder for a ferocious solo tackle.


3-5-PIT 27 (9:13) (Shotgun) 11-D.Culpepper pass incomplete short right to 84-B.Pettigrew.�� On this play, Big LaMarr rushed from an ILB spot rather than the LOLB spot.I point this out just to show that he is being moved around a bit, and that he�s not constantly in one static position on the field.Of course, on this play, he did nothing and impacted nothing.


3-1-DET 45 (5:22) 34-K.Smith right tackle to DET 49 for 4 yards (22-W.Gay). ��On this critical 3rd & short, Big LaMarr simply got BURIED by ancient RT John Runyan, and Smith ran up this gaping hole for an easy 4-yard gain.


2nd Quarter:


2-10-PIT 44 (1:56) (Shotgun) 11-D.Culpepper pass short right to 84-B.Pettigrew to PIT 42 for 2 yards (56-L.Woodley).��� On this play, Jason Woodley dropped into his little piss-ant zone coverage, and had a cake-easy stop on a 2-yard curl run by Pettigrew.��� Quick, stop the presses !��� Big LaMarr got a solo on a lil� 2-yard curl pass that was directly in front of him!! ���


3rd Quarter:


1-10-DET 41 (13:20) 34-K.Smith right end to DET 42 for 1 yard (99-B.Keisel).Hey, Big LaMarr actually shed a blocker on this play!�� Wow, his first shed-blocker of the season!!���


2-9-PIT 44 (10:58) 34-K.Smith right end to PIT 41 for 3 yards (23-T.Carter). FUMBLES (23-T.Carter), recovered by DET-63-M.Ramirez at PIT 43. 63-M.Ramirez to PIT 43 for no gain (22-W.Gay).��Whoops, spoke too soon.Big LaMarr got easily walled off on this play in sorry fashion.


3-8-PIT 43 (10:21) (Shotgun) 11-D.Culpepper scrambles right end pushed ob at PIT 31 for 12 yards (26-D.Townsend).��On this play, Big LaMarr again lined up as an ILB, and at the snap, settled into a SPY mode about 5 yards from the LOS.�� As Culpepper takes off on an obvious scramble, Big LaMarr just STOOD there, flat footed, like a fuking traffic barrel.Culpepper rumbled right by The Human Statute, Jason Woodley, and got 12 yards and the 1st down.


1-20-PIT 41 (9:24) 11-D.Culpepper pass incomplete short right to 34-K.Smith.�� Big LaMarr lazily, once again, gave up outside contain on a QB Scramble, but the intended receiver dropped the pass.


2-20-PIT 41 (9:16) (Shotgun) 34-K.Smith right end to PIT 40 for 1 yard (22-W.Gay).��� LaMarr had the RB dead to rights in the backfield, but feebly flailed and whiffed,Luckily, Gay, who is proving to be a far better tackler, made the stop.


1-10-DET 35 (4:30) 34-K.Smith left end to DET 39 for 4 yards (25-R.Clark; 96-E.Hood). ��Big LaMarr was totally unblocked & untouched on this play, but just stood there and did nothing.


2-6-DET 39 (4:00) 34-K.Smith right end to DET 43 for 4 yards (98-C.Hampton). ��Big LaMarr had an okay string on this play, but then squatted down on all 4�s -- like a female needing to piss in the woods -- and then watched and did nothing while others made the stop.


1-10-PIT 49 (2:50) 11-D.Culpepper pass incomplete deep right to 80-B.Johnson. ���Big LaMarr had some pressure on this play�..BUT, he was SOLO blocked by a TIGHT END, who then released out into a pass pattern.�� So much for the �Big LaMarr is constantly facing triple teams� bullshit.��


1-10-PIT 39 (2:14) 34-K.Smith right end to PIT 36 for 3 yards (98-C.Hampton).��� A rare, acceptable fight-off of the RT on a ground play by Big Jason.


4th Quarter:


2-10-DET 18 (7:50) (Shotgun) 11-D.Culpepper pass incomplete deep left to 12-D.Williams. PENALTY on PIT-24-I.Taylor, Defensive Pass Interference, 27 yards, enforced at DET 18 - No Play.��On this play, Big LaMarr, who supposedly is commanding more attention than Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton combined, was SOLO blocked by a RUNNING BACK.�� Of course, as usual, Big LaMarr did nothing.


1-10-PIT 34 (2:36) (Shotgun) 11-D.Culpepper sacked at PIT 43 for -9 yards (56-L.Woodley). ��Big LaMarr actually did very little on this play, doing nothing more than titty-fighting with the blocker.Finding no receivers open after eons of time, Culpepper took the coverage sack.��


1-10-PIT 21 (1:54) (Shotgun) 11-D.Culpepper sacked at PIT 27 for -6 yards (sack split by 56-L.Woodley and 22-W.Gay). ��On this play, while Big LaMarr was once again titty-groping and pawing at the blocker�s breasts, Will Gay came in on a corner blitz and flushed Culpepper forward, and Big LaMarr happened to be standing there for the slop stop/half-sack.���




To summarize:Big LaMarr had 3 solos the entire game.One came when the QB fumbled the snap and fell atop the ball.Another came when a TE caught a 2-yard curl pass directly in front of Big LaMarr, who had dropped into coverage.�� The third and final solo came when Culpepper could find no one open and took a coverage sack.Wow, what a heroic 3 solo tackles!What a stud!What a he-man!!What a ferocious defender!!�� After such a studly performance, perhaps he should immediately be voted to the All Pro team.��


QB hurries created when Big LaMarr beat a blocker?None.Hits on the QB after beating a blocker?None.�� Forced turnovers?None.Hard hits?None.Stuffed running plays?None.Meaningful impact on the game?Absolutely none.


It's partially absurd that this much analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still scores of fans out there who think this phony is actually earning his keep this year.He's not, and the stark reality has been obvious since early September.


Not surprisingly, we've already heard the same quibbling babble and excuse-making for Jason Woodley that we heard for years regarding Jason GilDong.To wit:


����������� -"�but�but Woodley was back in coverage practically the whole game."No, he was not.Big LaMarr dropped in coverage 13 times, while rushing the QB 36 times.36 rushes compared to 13 coverage drops, which means Big LaMarr rushed the passer nearly 3 times as often as he dropped into coverage.��


����������� - "But Woodie is being ganged upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to get to the QB."Once again, another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.LaMarr performed some designed stunts, in which he stunted to the inside.He occasionally faced a CHIP block by a RB or TE, who then raced out for a pass.LaMarr was NEVER double-teamed on any ground plays, either.Not once, not ever, in the entire game.But sure enough, we'll hear experts who will tell you how badly LaMarr is being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every play.If anyone is getting ganged upon, it�s the other OLB, James Harrison, who has been a relentless beast in every game this season.


Here�s a tabular recap of what Big LaMarr has done this season.�� It�s paltry and pathetic, actually.�� It�s a disgrace, for a linebacker in a defense DESIGNED for LBs to make big plays; for a LB who is on the field for every defensive snap; to have such pitiful, lowly numbers.��







Meaningful Impact


Game 1, vs. Tenn.





Lone solo was on Johnson run, -2, in 3Q on 3d & 9

Game 2, @ Chi





Lone assist was on 3d & 3 pass to Knox for 13 yards, 2Q

Game 3, @ Cin





Lone solo was on Benson run for 7 yards, 2d & 8, in 3Q

Game 4, vs. SD





Lone solo was on Tomlinson run in which he slipped on turf immed. after rec�vg handoff.�� Big LaMarr touched him �down� for �solo tackle�

Game 5, @ Det.





1st solo was the QB fumbling the snap, and Big LaMarr touched him �down� for �solo tackle�.�� 2nd solo was a 2-yard curl pass by the TE that LaMarr was dropped in coverage on.�� 1st sack was pure coverage sack; the half sack was created entirely by Gay, who did a CB blitz.









What really irritates me is that Big LaMarr is going around jogging and half-stepping, and in the process is doing the absolute minimum.�� Compare this to fellow OLB Jamie Harrison, who is constantly running around like a thief being chased by police.��� Just examine the tackle (clean, I might add) Harrison made in the 1Q on Calvin Bryant, which knocked the star WR out of the game.This was a 0-step hitch play to Johnson, and Ike Taylor had good positioning and came up for the initial hit.At this point, Harrison could have easily pulled a �Woodley�, and eased off and walked over.Not Harrison.He never let up, and raced over like a man possessed, and when Johnson stumbled away from the Taylor tackle attempt, Harrison was there for a crisp, brutal, legal �clean up� tackle that stopped Johnson in his tracks and removed him from the game.Harrison has been playing all season like a winner; Jason Woodley has been playing all season like a complete loser.


Again, nobody here at gives a rat�s ass what this guy did last year.�� Last year was last year.�� This is this year.�� The time is now for Big LaMarr to extract his head from his ass and start to play like a man, rather than like the gutless, lazy faggott that he�s been playing like in every game this season.



(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close�.)


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