Stillers 26, Gmen 16....Sep 14, 2020 …………Game # 1
Stillers-Gmen Postgame Analysis and Grades
The Stillers opened Covid 2020 by facing the Gmen on MNF. Typical of a Tomlin coached squad, they sputtered early and often, but led going in at the half on a last-second TD by Wash. A putrid INT by Dan Jones late in the 3Q helped stave off the Gmen.
QB: Ben had a solid nite, going 21 of 32 for 229, 3 TDs, and no INTs. He took a couple of needless sacks, and foolishly allowed the playclock to wind down on a 3d & 1. All in all, though, a solid game. Def beats the alternative. B+
Conner – carried 6 times for a piddly 9 yards. Also allowed a short dump off to CLANG off his hands. Then, SURPRISE ! He bowed out with an ankle injury. China Doll Conner strikes again ! D-
Samuels – played sparingly, mostly in mop up
Snell – best game as a pro, rushing 19 times for 113 yards. Very, very well done, aside from a hideous fumble that might have been cataclysmic had JuJu not recovered it. B+
McFarland – inactive.
FB: Watt saw a fair amount of PT.
JuJu – soild game, with 6 grabs and 2 TDs. The fumble recovery was a smart play that won’t show up much on the stat sheet, but plays like that win games. B+
Wash - had only 2 grabs, but 1 was a catch about 6 yards from the goal line, with seconds left in the half, where Wash MANNED UP and grinded his way into the EZ for a huge TD. This, my friends, is a FOOTBALL PLAY. This is winning football. A-
D. Johnson - had 6 grabs for 57. Not bad. If healthy, Dionte has a good chance of 100 grabs during the season. B+
Claypool – made a brilliant, athletic grab along the sideline in the 1H. Superb grab. Looks like he truly belongs. Am pleased.
McDonald - had 1 grab for 3 yards. Had some ok blocking.
Ebron – targeted only twice and had an 18 yard grab. Wasn’t used nearly enough, and is the kind of player prone to moping if he’s completely ignored.
OL: Overall, the line played like a ragtag band of waddling fat-asses, esp in the 1H when the run blocking was putrid. Their play picked up as the game progressed. But late in the game, Wisniewski got nicked up, and then Banner got carted into the locker room on what looks initially to be a season-ending knee injury. Fuk, now Pukes Okorfor has to start at RT. Pouncey had his normal 7 low snaps during the game. DeAsstro did not dress due to injury.
Heyward – The $65M Man had a whopping 1 solo and 0 assists. At least he didn’t drop the Dong INT in the 3Q. C
Tuitt – another vaunted DE who had 1 solo and 0 assist. Didn’t do a whole helluva lot. C-
Alu – solid game. Gives the team every bit as much as what FatAss Hargrave provided last season. B
McCullers – Oh wait, that fatass finally got cut. For 6 years I had to issue that worthless fatass an F grade. Praise be!
Vinnie – put some thump in the middle of the D, and helped limit Barkley to nothing on the ground. Great to see him in there as opposed to Mark (The Pushover) Barron. B
Bush - had 5 solos and provided some decent pass coverage on Bark. B
Watt – provided plenty of harassment on Jones, and also nipped the QBs arm as he was throwing from the Stiller 5 yard line in the 1Q. Also had a clever, foxlike INT. B+
Crud Dupree – There’ll be a lot of fawning over Crud on Tues AM. Don’t let the hype fool you, just like Jason GilDong. First, Dud was facing a rookie LT, on the rare plays that he was actually being BLOCKED. Crud had TWO tackles for loss in which, on BOTH plays, he was completely Unblocked and Untouched. On the INT by Cam, sure, Crud applied some pressure, only after he was again UNBLOCKED. The ESPN announcers raved about Dud’s “hustle” on this play. What hustle? Dud was completely Unblocked. The QB rolled to DUD’s side of the field. There was no more hustle on this play than when a toddler spills his juice cup. On one of the few times the Gmen chose to assign a blocker, Crud got shoved waaaaay wide on a Wide Loop Rush, ending up some 12 feet BEHIND the QB as Jones fired a long TD pass in the 1H. On another play in the 1H, Crud was blocked, this time by aT#E, something Watt NEVER sees. Crud managed to win this EASY matchup, but then whiffed like a jackass on the sack attempt, and Jones turned this play into positive yardage. I don’t lavish defenders who only make plays when they are Unblocked and Untouched. C-
Odeniyi - saw a fair bit of PT spelling Watt, and applied some pressure. No need to overpay Crud when Oden is waiting in the wings.
Lowsmith – nice 1st game for the rookie. Acquitted himself well.
Haden – a so-so game. Got flagged for PI on a 3rd down, just before the long TD pass. Had some various struggles. Even on the late 2 pointer, he was in PERFECT position to bust up the pass, but almost allowed the WR to snare the catch. C
Nelson – Remember all the talk about how great this guy was in ’19 ? Yeah, I forgot it as well. He looked all too much like DeWayne Washington. Got tooled all nite long, including the late TD.
Hilton – All this guy does is fuking make plays. Dude is fearless. A-
Edmunds - got mercilessly picked on during that lonnnnnng 19 play march in the 3Q. Just incessantly picked on and abused the ENTIRE drive. He drew an OPI in which he still played the ball like ass. D-
Minkah - Foolishly got suckered and duped on the long TD pass. Did little all nite long. C+
Sutton - played ok in spot duty.
Colquitt – punted okay. Anyone is an improvement over Jordan Cherry. B+
Boswell – 2 for 2 on FGs, but clanged a PAT off the pipe for a miss, which cannot happe. A-
Dionte – allowed the first punt to CLANG off his pads, giving NY the ball on the 4. Another gaffe that cannot happen. Heck, at least Ryan Shitzer didn’t allow that nonsense to occur.
Lane – the staff crowed about this pud-puller all of camp. Turns out he can’t tackle a pylon.
OC: Randy Sphincter again oversaw an offense that had the clever creativity of a 2-year old with a box of Crayons. The 1st quarter was an epic pile of milk toast, mixed with pig vomit. They fuking pissed away an entire quarter of football with a gameplan that was pulled from Randy’s sphincter some 10 minutes before kickoff. How soon can Canada be promoted?? D
Keith Assler had the luxury of facing a greenhorned QB, a woeful Oline, a rookie LT, and a WR corps missing Golden Bate. Still, he struggled a like a bitch all the way to the end of the game. The long, absurd march in the 3Q, when he had NY pinned near its own GL only to see them march all the way to the PIT 4 yard line, was atrocious. Not overly impressive. D+
HC: Mike Asslin oversaw another ugly season opener, at least in the 1H. The 1Q was full of grab-ass and diarrhea. You cannot beat the legit teams in this league urinating away the entire 1st quarter and most of the 1H.
Synopsis: An adequate win over a woefully outmanned foe. On the positive side of things, the good news is that there was no ass-hattery with the Stillers in terms of kneeling during the Anthem. Well done. Not much to crow about in beating the lowly Gmen.. I won’t crow over beating a lousy foe in an empty road stadium. Now on to face Denver, which is hardly a juggernaut, either. If adequately prepared, this team should be 3-0 come the 27th of Sep.
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