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The Gildong Report (Game #16, vs. SD)

December 28, 2000 by Still Mill


No Pro Bowl!The GilDong Report (Dec. 27th, '00)

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong�s 11 sacks in �98 --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I devoted considerable time last season to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '00, I'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he is.

Gildon, the pro bowl reservist, came into the game, looking to pad the stats that enabled him to snow just enough voters to eke into the free trip to Hawaii. Being the sstack-jumping mongrel that he is, he pretty much achieved his goal, posting another game that looked adequate on paper but pitifully mediocre via rigorous analysis.

On the 2nd series of the game -- remember, the first SD series was a 1-play, 71-yard TD bomb -- on a 2nd & 4 run, TE Freddie Jones literally bullied Gildon off the line of scrimmage and muscled & shoved Big Jason around like a hapless rag doll.

On a 3rd & 4 from their own 28, at 2:42 of the 1st qtr, Leaf hit Graham on a piddly little hitch route. Gildon, who was playing in a short zone, barely made a shoestring trip-up of Graham, and Graham was able to get the first down. This hardly-toothrattling tackle by Big Jason counted as a solo stop.

On the first play after Stewart's 19-yard TD, late in the 2nd quarter, Leaf faded back in the pocket, and had loads of time. Unable to find an open receiver, Leaf finally pulled the ball down and lumbered toward RT.  Gildon, who stunted to the inside of the RG, came around the guard (Gogan), and hauled down Leaf a good 5 seconds after the ball had been snapped. Obviously, due to the outrageous time it took, this is a Dong Sack.

A couple plays later, on 3rd & 13 from his own 33, Leaf again lumbered from the pocket toward RT after having an eternity and finding no one open. Gildon, who was tittyfighting with the RT, lumbered after Leaf and got yet another fingernail shoestring stop, this time on the clumsy Leaf, for a stop of 7 yards. This meaningless stop was the last play of the first half.

On the first play after the Harrison INT, at 7:13 of the 3rd qtr on the Pgh. 13, RB Fletcher ran toward LG/LT. Seeing no hole, Fletcher reversed field, and raced toward his far right end. Meanwhile, Big Jason -- who's job is to CONTAIN that end -- got totally CAVED IN once again by TE Freddie Jones, who simply manhandled Big Jason and blasted him waaay inside. Luckily, Chad Scott was there to make the stop, or else this was a sure TD.

On a 3rd & 10 from their own 44, at 12:25 of the 4th qtr, SD ran a screen pass to Jones to their right. Gildon was in a very short zone coverage on the play, and being totally untouched, was in perfect position to make the stuff for minimal gain. Instead, Big Jason did his patented FLAIL & WHIFF, and weakly missed Jones. Once again, another Stiller had to bail this buffoon out, as Jason Simmons -- who is about 65 pounds lighter than Big Bad Jason -- made the stop.

Finally, on a 2nd & 10 from their own 2, with only 1:55 left in the game and the contest hopelessly out of reach, Leaf faded back for a pass. DE Chris Sullivan got a rare but good pocket push, and then jumped up right in front of Leaf, which forced Leaf out of the pocket and up RT. Meanwhile, Big Jason did his WLR (wide loop rush), and then peeled back and nabbed Leaf from behind for a meager 1/2 yard loss, and in the process meekly nudged the ball from the disinterested Leaf's hand for a fumble that Sullie recovered. Due to the lengthy time Leaf had, this was a classic coverage sack and therefore goes into the books as a Dong Sack.

That's it for Big Jason in this game. Two Dong sacks; a solo stop of a WR on a 2-yard hitch; and a fingernail shoestring solo stop from-behind on the NFL's slowest, most clumsiest quarterback. The only good thing about the Stillers not making the playoffs, is that I no longer have to subject myself to re-watching The Dong wallow around in mediocrity and ineptitude for another week. 16 games in a season is more than enough, believe me.

Stay tuned for the final Gildong '00 summary report, which will include a listing of every sack Gildong had this year, including game time, down, distance, opponent, and so on.

Season ending totals for Jason, in 16 games:

Earned Sacks: 5
Dong Sacks™: 8.5
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 4

The Still Mill 

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