Before we get to fantasy football, is anyone else fed up
with the cutesy nature of football telecasts?�
If I got one more graphic on Sunday night, one more reminder to keep my
CBS @ on someone��Why do the networks think that we would rather see some
simpleton graphic on �most passing yards after age 40,�..Larry Chester�s injury�..etc.,
etc., etc. as opposed to seeing pre-snap activity, formations, etc.� It frankly makes me nervous as hell that I�m
going to miss the start of the play, and we sometimes don�t see the play until
it�s in progress.� I don�t mind instant
replay, but these goddam graphics are too much.� Give me the bar on the screen with score,
down distance, time remaining, give me the first down marker, give me the
referee�s voice, and no one else�s, give me the crowd noise��then leave me the
fuck alone, to watch football, not network gimmickry.
Okay, now that that�s out of the way, let�s talk about
Fantasy Football.� I�m not doing Fantasy
Football this year, and I�m glad of it.�
For years, it�s warped the way I watch games (not really Steeler games, because fantasy performance was always, for
me, a way distant second to Steeler wins).� I saw the end coming, though, several years
ago, when on the Sunday night before Christmas, with a ton to do, I stayed up
until
I started doing fantasy in 1982, way before fantasy
magazines, when owners had to get the Street & Smith�s, and base their
picks on real stats.� I�ve never won the
championship, never been to a championship game, and while I modestly consider myself
to have earned my D.S.F degree (that�s Doctorate of Sports Fantasy��not to be
confused with Dumb Stupid Fuck), I�ve suffered from a ton of rotten luck.� Consider:
- Late
�80s�.somehow I have both Steve Grogan and Sissy Tony Eason on my team.� Eason is the Pats starter, and I need one
TD from his ballerina ass on a Monday night to win my game.�
- Mid-80s�.
prior to tight ends being considered anything but receivers.� All year I�ve played Ozzie Newsome.� I need one more win to make the
playoffs.� I bench Ozzie, play Cliff
Branch.� Branch gets shut out, Ozzie
scores�my game ends in a tie�no playoff.�
My mantra for years, �I shoulda played
Ozzie.�� That applied to
anything.� Missed out on a good
investment�..�shoulda
played Ozzie.�� Wished I�d ordered
what my wife was having, �shoulda played Ozzie.�� Ticketed for going through a red light, �Shoulda played Ozzie.�
- The
worst.� I�m in the semifinals a few
years back.� My running backs are
Terrell Davis, who�s scored 20-some TDs that
year, Marshall Faulk with the Colts, and Ricky Watters with the
Seahawks.� Colts vs. Hawks that
Sunday, Broncos at Dolphins on Monday night.� I tell a friend that I�m thinking of
benching Terrel that week�.�You CAN�T bench that
guy,� Joe says.� I listen to stupid,
sweaty Joe, and play Davis and Faulk.�
As Sunday develops, I need ONE TD total from my two backs to win my
game, and advance to the championship.�
I watch the
1) Any
of our Steelers opponents
2) Any
of our Steelers who leave for more dough (not playing time) elsewhere.
-Little digression on
that point.� I�m so well known for this,
that when SportCenter announced that Yancey Thigpen
had signed with the Tittens, I screamed at the
TV.� �What�s the matter, Daddy,� my then
8-year old daughter asked.� �That guy
just left the Steelers to play for another team, � I
roared. �Daddy,� she said, �do you hope he breaks his leg.�� �No Idie, and if I
ever say that, please know that I don�t mean it.��
BUT I DO MEAN
IT!!!� I was so goddam
happy when Chad Brown broke his leg this year, and was free to sample all of
the smelly sushi in
Anyway, no fantasy this year�..and I�m
the better man for it.� When StillMill invited me to write this
year, though, my wife, the anti-fan, who praised God for my fantasy retirement,
said, �Great�another thing for you to be an idiot about.�
GO STEELERS!!