I Want to Shower in the Tears of Bengals Fans
Divisional Round Special by PalmerSucks
January 15, 2016
As someone who’s familiar with the sorry state of Ohio, I can tell you firsthand the hatred that Cincy fans feel for the Stillers. No town hates Pittsburgh like Cleveland does, but the Queen City comes in a close second (along with Baltimore).
So I can only imagine the extreme bitterness – the agony -- the town is feeling right now, given the way the Bengals completely lost control of a game they should’ve had locked up. The Bengals collapse was so shocking, so improbable, so complete, I’m still a little stunned.
Up a point with little more than a minute to go, with possession deep in your opponents territory off a pick, the Bungals could have taken three kneel-downs, forced the Stillers to burn their time-outs, kicked a field goal and pretty much called it a day. Instead they risked an unnecessary run inside into the Stillers sea of hands, and watched in agony as the ball bounced onto the turf and into the waiting hands of Ross Cockrell.
But STILL they had things in hand, as the Stillers gimpy-shouldered QB entered the game needing acres of turf to gain any shot of making a field goal. Even with the Stillers converting both third and fourth down plays, the overthrow to Brown leaves the opponent needing 15 yards, with a measly 20-some seconds and no time-outs left.
Live by the Burfict, die by the Burfict.
The Cincy LB’s totally unnecessary low dive at Brown turned a near-certain Stillers loss into a chip-shot win as the domino effect brought Burfict’s partner in grime, Pac Man Jones, into the picture. Together they sent Cincy packing, and Bungal fans squealing. I still don’t know which is more entertaining, the “crying Cincy girl” meme now playing all over the ‘net, or replays of Burfict running the length of the field and into the tunnel in his hilarious wave-goodbye victory lap after making the pick he thought had sealed the game.
OK, I’ll go with Burfict. But for real entertainment, the Cincy Bungals message boards provided a rich, satisfying stew of anger, denial and bitterness, spiced with an animosity for the Stillers I’d never before seen in my years of laughing at Bungals’ fan misery. And that includes the Kimo episode.
No doubt the chums in Paul Brown stadium though they had it won when Jones came in, but I’m willing to bet a lot of underwear turned brown when they saw Ben return for the final series. Needless to say I enjoyed catching every bitter word spoken after game. Especially knowing how painfully overconfident so many Bungals fans were going into this one.
Of course, that satisfaction evaporated with the news that Antonio Brown is a likely scratch for Sunday’s divisional tilt in Denver. Poor Brownie – guess he’ll have to give back that Grammy now?
You have to give credit to Burfict for one thing: he managed to hit the trifecta this season, knocking out the franchise QB, wide receiver and running back. The one where he had Ben on his back, pivoted all the way around like an NCAA wrestler going for the pin, then drove the knee into the shoulder was classic. Burfict was a terror all game, on one play simply diving at DeCastro’s knees and ignoring the ball carrier completely. With any luck, this clown adds another suspension soon after he returns from the first, and we can be rid of him for an entire season.
Brown’s absence combined with the uncertain shoulder status of Ben Roethlisberger makes for the big story going into the game and shapes this week’s game preview.
M*A*S*H UNIT STILLERS VS. DENVER BRONCOS: THE PRE-LOOK
The talk this week is about Roethlisberger’s shoulder, with even many Stillers fans expressing doubts about his ability to be effective. However, Roethlisberger’s been through this kind of drama before, namely on September 14, 2008. Playing with a split shoulder he helped the Stillers beat Cleveland; his 13-for-20, 169 yard day doesn’t look like much, but keep in mind he was throwing into wind gusts that approached 60 miles and hour. His efficiency was sparkling, however, as he notched a red-hot 110 passer rating, which included a sweet 9-yard touchdown to Hines Ward to notch the win.
Mike Tomlin’s post-game quote is one we hope sums up Sunday’s game: “He's hurting pretty bad, but he's a tough character. Is he 100 percent? No. But no one plays as hard as he does without getting banged up."
Given that Roethlisberger will also be less-than-a-hundred for this one, I’d suggest an offensive game plan to match whatever percentage will be full: I call it “Bits-Burgh.”
With the good fortune of the long week to rest, I believe Roethlisberger can look strong accurate up to 20-25 yards. The Bits-Burgh offense includes lots of screens and circle patterns to the backs, Todman and Touissant, who showed surprising skills last week. Todman especially proved elusive, and quick pops to the backs on the run should match up well against the Denver defense, whose weakness is guarding the catch-and-run. Likewise, it calls for the Stillers to mix in screens and reverses to Bryant with his deadly open-field running ability: I expect him sooner or later to break the wash and take it 70 yards to pay dirt.
Teams have been dropping safeties deep against the Stillers lately, but Denver may reel them in and stack the box this week. Play action to passes that go just past the upfront cluster (think Tebow and that infamous last play) could break big. If they do drop back, the slants and crossers are there – if they don’t, I expect Ben to take his shots downfield. (Don’t be shocked to see a 40-yard laser followed by lots of arm-holding and painful grimaces.)
In other words, look a little like the New England Patriots this week.
Brown’s absence means a reshuffling of the WR line-up – and a test of the Stillers’ drafting ability. You’re up, Sammie Coates, now are you up to the challenge of the playoffs? I believe Coates was a third-round steal; we’ll now see if Denver agrees after the game.
Here’s a look at the receivers affected by Brown’s absence:
BRYANT: As I’ve said, the Stillers deadly WR corps starts with Bryant at #2 which allows Wheaton to excel at #3. I’d resist any temptation to move Bryant to Brown’s spot, keeping him at the Z spot and allowing him to run whatever deeper stuff the Stillers decide to call. As I’ve said though, making full use of his RAC skills are most important this Sunday. Nobody gets into top gear faster than Bryant, and the Stillers have to give him all the shots they can to show it.
WHEATON: He’s no substitute for Brown, but then again who is? As the Stillers’ most experienced WR playing, he’s the logical choice to move into Brown’s spot. What he lacks compared to Brown in getting-open skills can be helped by formation: lots of clusters and rubs to shake him free.
HEY-BEY: This is probably the part I hate most about Brown going down – the appearance of Heyward-Bey and his Teflon hands. As the fastest Stillers receiver he could do well as a decoy, running deep to occupy one – or even two – DBs. Occasionally he will pull in the long ball, so let’s hope we see that Sunday. It’s here I miss dependable depth guys from the past like Cedric Wilson and Randle-El.
COATES: In college he racked up a Bryant-like 21-yards-a-catch average, and we’ve seen his downfield skills in pre-season. The question is, can he handle the shorter routes if needed? Remember, this is a rookie and these are the Stillers -- how many reps do the Stillers trust him with in such a big game?
The focus is on the Stillers offense, but I believe the game will be won or lost on defense. Last year I desperately wanted to see the Stillers get past Baltimore because I knew a date with worn-out Manning awaited. I’d feel the same way about this game, except for the fact that this season he’s enjoyed a bit of a rest. That brings me to my game key: Manning’s condition.
Should Manning be the same limp-armed flatfoot he was against the Colts last January, you can bring the line back to even money. The Stillers’ front seven had a good surge against the Cincy o-line; they should be able to do the same against Denver’s, a softer unit anchored by Michael Schofield, a player Denver fans jokingly claim commits illegal blocks in the back against himself. Harassing last-year-style Manning means sacks and turnovers and a real shot at winning. Should his ball hang at all, the Stillers will have plenty of shots to pluck picks off all those timing routes.
Should Manning appear rested with some zip in his arm, that means trouble. I don’t think he falters the way McCarron did the first three quarters. Nor am I convinced his appearance in the playoffs in below 40 temperatures automatically means failure – a lively Manning could easily pick apart the Stillers suspect secondary.
Last season Manning appeared finished by December. If he at all looks that way Sunday, then it’s Denver who has the QB problem, as Osweiler has apparently suffered a knee injury that’s kept him from practicing. After all the talk of Stiller injuries, it would be amusing if the Broncos have to turn to their third-stringer in case of injury to their starter. If Osweiler can’t go that also robs Denver of their relief pitcher, so sticking with even a horrendously performing Manning isn’t an option.
So it’s Manning against the Stillers D. At first glance, this seems a downer for the Stillers, as what Manning does best is read the zones and blitzes the team likes to run. But the Stillers’ true weakness matches up to what Manning does worst at this stage: chuck the deep ball. What I like better about this defense as opposed to the bigger-name one that lost in Denver a few years ago is this: they create more turnovers. I’m looking for that to translate to a couple of them Sunday.
Of course, there is one other possibility: that Ben can’t go and Landry Jones takes his place. In that case the Stillers best strategy is to head down to the nearest church and light a few candles. Because that’s probably the best hope they’ll have.
I think the Stillers have a shot to pull this off despite all the talk you’ll hear from the “experts” on TV that they’re too hurt to win. They first have to stop the Broncos from jumping out to a big lead early this time – but after last Saturday, I’m convinced the Stillers are on some kind of magic-carpet ride. The running back who fumbled Cincy’s chance to ice the game away never fumbles. Burfict may have taken out Brown, but he pushed the Stillers through to the next round.
CHEATS VS. CHIEFS: I’ve said I believe Kansas City is the real “team nobody wants to play” and they seemed to prove that Saturday. One thing bothers me though – this game was far more about the Texans stinking up the joint (Brady won’t hand over the game like Hoyer did). Kansas City scored on kick returns and didn’t really show any kind overwhelming offense. Still, I expect them to give New England all they can handle. The question is how much Edelman can contribute; if he’s a go, Brady can crawl back into his comfy short-drop game and protect himself from the aggressive Chiefs D. If Edelman can’t contribute, there may be a lot of crying in Chowderland.
UPDATE: I’ve heard as of Friday Ben is practicing and throwing some good solid 40-yarders. This guy has a pain tolerance beyond that of most mortals. I’m sure they’re already chalking up a win in Denver, but I’m not sure they realize what kind of quarterback they’ll be facing.
Enjoy the game,
Palmer